In Space, No One Can Hear You Yerkin It



The recent auction of a Playboy centerfold smuggled aboard Apollo 12's spaceflight to the moon raises a potentially sticky question for NASA... has anyone masturbated in space?

NASA, predictably, has remained mum on the subject. But according to a blog published by the Houston Chronicle, Apollo 11 command module pilot Michael Collins wrote in a book that:

"One doctor advised regular masturbation, advice [Skylab crew member] Joe [Kerwin] ignored."

If NASA doctors were advising it, then it's likely someone other than Joe Kerwin followed doctor's orders. And, um... how exactly did Collins verify Kerwin's story?

According to space habitat architect Constance Adams, erections are difficult to achieve in zero gravity because "blood tends to collect in the head and feet." But ask any guy who's been in the freezing cold ocean when a rogue wave pops some sunbunny's top off, and they'll tell you that "difficult" and "impossible" are not the same thing.

I Was In The Pool!!!!

And that doesn't rule out female masturbation. Women may not be as horny as men, but Sally Ride had to at least be curious.

As Drew Magary of the sports/whimsy website Deadspin wrote this week, "If you have a confined space to yourself, THAT IS ACCEPTABLE JERKING SPACE."

In any case, its likely that even if Apollo 12 crew member Richard Gordon didn't spend his alone time in the orbiting command module playing the pink trombone, at some point in the 42 years Gordon has possessed the picture, he or another male member of his family probably stretched the skin slinky to it.

In that case, whoever bids $1000 or more on this thing is buying used merchandise. Moon dust might not be the only residue to come up under a microscope.

Just something for collectors to consider.

Shuttle Caught Sodomizing 747



EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. - The Bush Administration and NASA were stunned today as photographs, leaked to several news organizations, revealed the space shuttle Discovery riding piggyback on top of a well-known homosexual Boeing 747 jumbo jet.

Discovery on Aug. 9 completed NASA’s first shuttle mission since its sister ship, Columbia, blew apart over Texas in February 2003, but had to land at Edwards Air Force Base in the Mojave Desert because of thunderstorms at Cape Canaveral.

NASA prefers to use its main landing site in Florida so it can keep an eye on the shuttle. The shuttle family has a history of scandal. Discovery's sister, Atlantis, was found on top of a jumbo jet in June 2002, and Endeavor served a year in a Dade County correctional facility for selling "space dust" to undercover officers.

The U.S. space agency said on Thursday that the next shuttle mission to the International Space Station is unlikely to occur until next March -- a six-month delay -- while the shuttle attends Refuge, a Christian camp run by Love In Action which strives to "minister to adolescents struggling with homosexuality."

Engineers, meanwhile, are trying to find out if insulating foam had anything to do with altering the shuttle's sexual orientation.

Discovery’s return to Florida was expected to take two days. But NASA officials grew suspicious when the plane accompanying the shuttle took two stops during the 2,200-mile cross-country trek -- one in Oklahoma and another in Louisiana.

“They checked into a Days Inn in Oklahoma City and a Motel Six in New Orleans,” said NASA spokesman Karl Herring. "There were reports of the two being seen together on Bourbon Street, drinking appletinis."

Gay-rights activists and liberal groups expressed anger at the government's decision to send Discovery to the controversial camp, and voiced their support for the 100-ton, flamingly gay shuttle.

"When someone this high-profile comes out of the closet, it provides a tremendous opportunity to teach tolerance and acceptance to others," said George Limprist, president of GLADD. "We should accept Discovery for who he is, not force him to become who others want him to be."

James Dobson, head of the conservative watchdog group Focus on the Family, issued a harsh rebuke to NASA and the shuttle.

"First Spongebob, now the shuttle. When will the gay disease stop invading America? It is time for god-fearing Americans everywhere to stand up and fight the liberal Jesus-bashers which blast these phallic follies into the Almighty's blue heaven."

Apollo 11, first manned spacecraft on the moon and Discovery's grandfather, spoke to reporters gathered outside his home yesterday, but refused to comment on his grandson's lifestyle choice.

"All I'll say is that I'm proud of the work Discovery has done in space," he said. Endeavor and Atlantis could not be reached for comment.

Despite the revealing photos, some officials are not yet convinced Discovery is indeed homosexual.

"We think losing his sister had something to do with it," said a NASA official, who spoke only on condition of anonimity due to the ongoing investigation. "It's just a confusing time for him. He's not really gay. He can't be. He watches sports."