A Little Bit Of Waterboarding Never Hurt Anyone

According to Bush Administration documents, two high ranking Al-Qaeda prisonsers held in Guantanamo Bay were waterboarded a combined 226 times.

Waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing the victim on his or her back with the head inclined downwards, and then pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages. By forced suffocation and inhalation of water the subject experiences drowning and is caused to believe they are about to die. It is considered a form of torture by legal experts, politicians, war veterans, intelligence officials, military judges, and human rights organizations. As early as the Spanish Inquisition it was used for interrogation purposes, to punish and intimidate, and to force confessions. --Wikipedia

INT DAY- The Oval Office. George W. Bush is at his desk, playing checkers against an imaginary opponent. He is losing.

Bush: Gosh Darn it!

(a knock on the door)

Bush: Yes, come in.

(CIA official enters)

CIA: Hello Mr. President. I'm back from Guantanemo Bay.

Bush: Excellent. How are Khalid and Abu Zuba.. Zub.. ah I can never get it right.

CIA: Well, we waterboarded them again, as you instructed.

Bush: Great! Great. Any juicy intel?

CIA: Well... Khalid said he once stole a grape at the supermarket. And Abu Zubaydah says when he was five years old, he told his teacher at the madrassa that his favorite color was blue, but it was actually pink. He was afraid the other kids would laugh.

Bush: Haha. Pink. That's it?

CIA: Well... to be honest sir, we're beginning to doubt what more they can tell us. I mean, after the first waterboarding, they told us where Al-Queda's training facilities were in Afghanistan. After the second waterboarding, we got some names of their accomplices. After the third water boarding, they told us about some of Al-Queda's future plans. But... well... after the 60th waterboarding, they kind of ran out of things to say.

Bush: Ran out?

CIA: Well, Khalid told us his Mom's secret recipe for Babaganoush, and Abu Zubaydah revealed that he used the cheat code "Porntipsgizzardo" to earn money in the computer game "Sim City." But after that, we've received very little information.

Bush: Well, what did I tell you the last time? You're just not waterboarding enough. They've got to know where Bin Laden is hiding.

CIA: Mr. President, they've been in our custody for several years. Our intelligence indicates Bin Laden has been moved several times since.

Bush: They've got to know something. How many times have we waterboarded them?

CIA: 224 times combined, sir.

Bush: What did they say the 221st time?

CIA: Khalid stated that he didn't understand the movie "Donnie Darko."

Bush: Never understood it myself. What did Apu say the 222nd time?

CIA: I have the transcript right here. (takes out paper) Ah, here it is. "Please, please, just let me die. I've told you everything. I've even told you the secrets of my relatives and friends. I no longer wish death to America, only death for myself. Please, please stop and just kill me. Please end the pain."

Bush: He's hiding something. Waterboard him again. Khalid too. And ask him about Memento... did the guy really kill his wife with insulin, or was that really Sammy Jenkis?

CIA: (sighs) I'll do my best sir. (exits)

(Bush goes back to his checkerboard, makes a move)

Bush: Darn! You win again!

END SCENE

Will Bush Destroy The Country?

I know what you're thinking. Hasn't he already? Embroiled in a costly and stagnant war, with our economy on life support and a major city still as mangled as the day it was hit by a hurricane, our country is in deep trouble. But, sadly, it could get worse, and there's a good chance that president Bush will make it so, despite his limited time remaining in office.

Lost amid the hubbub over Obama's cabinet appointments has been a call by Obama and his newly-selected chief of staff, Rahm Emmanuel, for Bush to authorize a bailout plan for the auto industry. Bush has already helped out his pals on Wall Street, but so far, he's seemed reluctant to help an industry that is just as integral to the American economy's success. With unemployment already at a level not seen since just after 9/11, the economy cannot afford more job losses.

Time magazine reports:

It's now clear that GM can't survive as an ongoing entity without massive federal assistance. The company is burning through more than $2 billion each month. It has $16 billion left. As if they were aboard a dirigible losing altitude, GM's bosses have been frantically throwing all manner of stuff overboard — retiree health-care benefits, people, assets, new car design — to conserve $5 billion. That will get it through the year.

Furthermore:

The system — the domestic auto plants and their interconnected group of suppliers — is far bigger than GM. It includes 54 North American manufacturing plants and at least 4,000 so-called Tier 1 suppliers — firms that feed parts and subassemblies directly to those plants. That includes mom-and-pop outfits but also a dozen or so large companies such as Lear, Johnson Controls and GM's former captive Delphi. Beyond those are thousands of the suppliers' suppliers.

Although the Detroit Three directly employed about 240,000 people last year, according to the industry-allied Center for Automotive Research (CAR) in Ann Arbor, Mich., the multiplier effect is large, which is typical in manufacturing. Throw in the partsmakers and other suppliers, and you have an additional 974,000 jobs. Together, says CAR, these 1.2 million workers spend enough to keep 1.7 million more people employed. That gets you to 2.9 million jobs tied to the Detroit Three... Shut down Detroit, and the national unemployment rate heads toward 10% in a hurry.

We saw what happened when the government chose to let one big banking firm, Lehman Brothers, fail. The entire financial community fell down with it. Now it seems Bush is content to do the same with the auto industry. Except the workers laid off by this collapse won't be as well off as those let go by Wall Street.

So far, the President has offered only to speed through Congress an already approved $25 billion loan to help Detroit create new fuel-efficient models. But GM needs an additional $10 billion simply to pay its bills next year and $15 billion more to close plants, compensate redundant workers and dump some of its lesser-performing brands.

Bush was apparently angry that details of his conversation with Barack Obama were released to the press. One of those details was that Obama had urged him to support an auto-industy bailout. Of course, Bush had other ideas in mind...

The president stressed that his main priority for any postelection action out of Congress is approval of a long-stalled free trade agreement with Colombia. -Jennifer Loven, AP White House Correspondent

Yes, Bush is worried about Columbia, while Rome burns.

It may just be the cynic in me, but it seems to me that the Republicans have little to gain by supporting a bailout of the auto industry. They already took heat in this year's election for supporting the bailout of Wall Street. And by allowing GM and others to go under, they assure that Barack Obama begins his first year as President in a very, very deep hole that's nearly impossible to climb out from. By doing nothing, the Republicans can let Obama and a Democratic congress take the heat for a dead economy in the next election. Meanwhile, if they do approve a bailout and it fails, then the Republican base, already pissed at large government spending, will have all the incentive they need to vote their incumbents out of office.

Already, the Republicans are showing signs that they could care less about 2.9 million jobs.

AP - House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio said Thursday he would oppose an auto industry bailout. "Spending billions of additional federal tax dollars with no promises to reform the root causes crippling automakers' competitiveness around the world is neither fair to taxpayers nor sound fiscal policy," Boehner said.

If Bush uses his veto power to kill a bailout bill, it's hard not to figure he's doing so in order to deliberately hurt the country for the immediate future, creating a toxic environment for the next party in charge.

Given what we've seen so far, I can't say I'd be surprised.

Bush To Live In Cave Until Election

AP – WASHINGTON – It's no coincidence President Bush has been out of the public's eye in recent days — that's the way the Republican Party wants it. White House press secretary Dana Perino said Monday the incumbent's invisibility is by design — because "the Republican Party wanted to make this election about John McCain."
"The president knows there are people in this country who want change and are looking for something new," Perino said.

"We're realistic about the political environment that we are in," she said. "What keeps him going is knowing that he's done the right thing."

That's why Bush has, in recent days, moved into a cave in an undisclosed location somewhere in the southwestern United States.

"He has all the amenities there that he has at the White House," said Jan Fakebody, a senior Bush staffer. "He's got satellite tv, a personal chef, a king size bed. It's just a bit drafty, that's all."

When asked who is running the country at this tumultuous time, Fakebody replied, "The same person who's been running the country since 2000. Dick Cheaney."

As McCain and Democrat Barack Obama made their final pitches to voters over the weekend, Bush spent time drawing pictures on the cave's walls. "This one's a goat," he said, pointing at a crude stick-figure painted with a yellow highlighter. "I call him Freddie."

He has no public events on Monday or Tuesday, not even an Election Day photo op. Bush has already voted by absentee ballot and plans a small dinner in his cave Tuesday night with two purposes: celebrating his wife's birthday and watching old episodes of the WB cartoon "Animaniacs."

"Pinky and The Brain, now that would be a winning ticket," Bush said, in reference to two of the show's characters.

The White House said Bush is keeping up to date with the financial crisis, two wars and the upcoming transition to a new administration, despite being in a cave. "It's a very well-appointed cave," Fakebody said. "It's got Verizon FIOS."

In early September after Hurricane Gustav, Bush scrapped his planned opening-night speech at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minn., and instead spoke via satellite. But in recent days, Bush has declined to issue any statements using the cave's satellite link-up, preferring instead to record videos himself on a Sony Handicam and passing the videotapes to local shepherds, who then provide them to contacts at major news outlets.

"We expect his new video soon," Fakebody says. "Hopefully it includes fewer shadow puppets than in the first one."

Fat Cats

More Israel & Egypt stories to come, once I get all my paid work done... But for now, briefly, the cat EVERYONE is talking about:



Originally called "Princess Chunk" by the press, the 44-pound abandoned kitty was found to be a male-- on live TV, while appearing on Regis & Kelly.

That's gotta be embarrassing.

Apparently her/his real name is Powder. Because like powder, the cat is very light... colored.

According to the director of the animal shelter where Chunk currently resides, an older woman lost her home and could not keep the 10-year-old cat. Gee, I wonder why she could no longer afford her home. What could she possibly have been spending all her money on??



Must just be the lousy state of the economy.

My sister has declared that she wants to adopt Princess... er.. Captain Chunk at the ealiest opportunity. She'll have to get in line. Chunk-love fever is sweeping the nation, here, here, and here for example. In addition to Regis, the fatty catty has also been on the Today show. And the hungry hairball is scheduled for Good Morning America on Friday. Will Oprah be far behind? I don't have the time or dedication, but can somebody please make a Princess Chunk website, devoted to the fattest of all kitties? The public demands more Chunk.

More pictures here.



Speaking of fat cats, there's a new movie coming about about one in Washington D.C...



It just may be the best movie comedy ever. I can't wait.

And We're Back

Sorry for the lack of recent posts. It's been a busy time in Adam's Life. Between my coverage of the Tribeca Film Festival for work, a new article for MSN.com, and the recent, mind-blowing news that I've been chosen as Best Man for my best friend's wedding, I've been slacking on my blogging duties. To you, loyal and frustrated reader, I apologize.

So let's get to it.

I'm still in the Hillary corner personally, but don't you suspect she's disgusted with herself at how ugly she let this campaign become?

Once the shining star of a powerful, respected Democratic party, she now finds herself fighting for position in a spring break KY-wrestling match. Obama vs. Hillary!! Drink specials all night!!

The saddest thing is, at no other time in American history has the media focused so heavily on one political party for so long in the months leading up to an election. It's almost as if Republicans don't exist, other than a few lost souls wandering the halls of the White House. And instead of using that media attention to promote their platform, the democrats instead are shining a spotlight on internal divisions, campaign mismanagement, and extreme wackos like Reverend Wright.

If only Hillary and Obama had led civil campaigns, we'd be hearing about how the Republicans bungled the war, and continue to bungle the war. We'd be hearing about how 8 years of Republican leadership has left our economy on the brink of ruin. We'd be hearing about how Senator McCain sold his soul to the radical right, and plans to continue the misguided policies of Bush II. But instead, we hear about a screaming black preacher, imaginary snipers, racist blue collar workers. It's a damn shame.

McCain loves America-bashing preachers as well, Frank Rich of the New York Times points out. But McCain is not under the microscope. Not yet. The Democratic party is, and will continue to be for as long as this drama continues. And if the slides being magnified are dirty with the muck and mire of two squabbling contenders, you can bet the American voting public will see it. Wouldn't the Democratic party be better served by TWO candidates going after the ONE Republican nominee? Instead of ripping each other's throats out? And Obama fans, don't be so quick to blame Hillary either. Snipergate stole at least a week's worth of headlines that could have been about glaring Republican failures. I get that they can't agree to be President and Vice President. No one wants the consolation prize. But can't they at least agree to support one another against the Manchurian Candidate?

Everyone's all up on Obama, even despite the racist attempts to link him with a loony. But this race is a lot closer than some pundits would have you believe. And when one of the candidates loses, the other one doesn't necessarily win. As hard as it is to believe that an Obama backer could suddenly go against everything Obama stands for and vote for McCain, that's exactly what polls show if Hillary wins the race. That begs the question, Does the Democratic party want a candidate who's supporters would rather vote for the enemy than a fellow party member? How loyal are those Democrats?

It's not looking good for the party of light and hope... something I never thought could happen just a few short months ago. And that means it's not looking good for America. There may be people who still believe McCain is a maverick moderate, but clearly they haven't been watching how McCain's changed since his handlers said the code word, activated McCain's implant and turned him into a robot for the elephant party line. If McCain actually believes what he says (war is good! give the rich tax breaks!) then he may just be more incompetent than George W. Bush, who at least has an excuse. A lot of cocaine use.

Hopefully, the primaries today will cause one or both of the candidates to realize they're not getting anywhere by playing a game of division. Only by rallying their supporters around the party, and not themselves, can either of the candidates hope to reclaim this country from the crooks and liars who've owned it the past 8 years.

Ah, kickin it off with a patented Adam's Life rant. It's been a while.

When Torture Is Not Torture, or, Waterboarding Ain't Boogie Boarding

From the AP:

WASHINGTON - The White House on Wednesday defended the use of the interrogation technique known as waterboarding, saying it is legal — not torture as critics argue — and has saved American lives.

President Bush could authorize waterboarding for future terrorism suspects if certain criteria are met, a spokesman said...

Waterboarding involves strapping a suspect down and pouring water over his cloth-covered face to create the sensation of drowning. It has been traced back hundreds of years, to the Spanish Inquisition, and is condemned by nations around the world.

[CIA Director] Hayden banned the technique in 2006 for Central Intelligence Agenc interrogations, the Defense Department has banned its employees from using it, and FBI Director Robert Mueller said his investigators do not use coercive tactics in interviewing terror suspects.

To reiterate things I've written before in this blog: Torture doesn't work. Torture is not a valid form of intelligence gathering.

If waterboarding isn't torture in Bush's book, then what else doesn't he consider torture?

The Rack



Bush's Defense: "Oh come on, don't doctors reccommend stretching before and after exercise? This is like yoga!"

The Nail Pull



Bush's Defense: "You kidding me? It's just a manicure! Laura tells me they pay good money for this at all the best salons."

Chinese Water Torture



Bush's Defense: "We call it, 'Bobbing for Freedom.' If they find a green apple, then we'll give them a full pardon. Except there aren't any apples. Only water. Makes it harder for the terrorists to get a pardon. You don't want to pardon terrorists, do you??"

Shock Torture



Bush's Defense: "You know when you pet a cat sometimes and you feel a little shock on your fingers? This is no worse than that. Just a couple hundred thousand volts. It's like a hot tub really."

Celine Dion Torture



Bush's Defense: "Ok, you got me. I'll order our intelligence services to end this type of interrigation technique immediately."

The End Of The World As We Know It

Two Plus Two Equals Five

"How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and two are four."

"Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane."
--George Orwell's 1984

This week, you may have heard about a little U.S. intelligence report that declared, "Iran stopped nuclear weapons work in 2003."

You would think this news would be cause for celebration. Bogged down in the explody mess of Iraq, and the forgotten war in Afghanistan, the last thing America needs is a third conflict to divide our already stretched-thin troops and sink us further into debt. And you'd think that Bush and Company would welcome this news, because it proves that however misguided their war in Iraq was, it may have influenced Iran's decision to halt their program. Hey, they actually did accomplish 1/100th of their mission in the Middle East!! Hurrah!!!

Except well, according to Bush, Fox News, and INGSOC, despite the fact that the report says Iran has halted their nuclear program, Iran is now a bigger threat than ever.

Huh?

"Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous and Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon," Bush said.

National Securirty Adviser Stephen Hadley was quoted as saying, "If we want to avoid a situation where we either have to accept Iran ... with a path to a nuclear weapon, or the possibility of having to use force to stop it, with all the connotations of World War III -- then we need to step up the diplomacy, step up the pressure, to get Iran to stop their so-called civilian uranium enrichment program. That's our policy going forward -- no change."

Bush has pushed for MORE sanctions against Iran.

So let me get this straight. A report that says Iran cancelled their nuclear program is actually an indication that they will soon make nuclear bombs and start a World War III?

2 plus 2 equals what now?

Bush To Go Under, Cheney To Stay In Charge



The White House announced today that President George W. Bush will undergo anestheisia during a routine colonoscopy, meaning that while Bush is unconcious, Dick Cheney will continue to be acting President.

"I'm thrilled to be able to continue the great job I've been doing as head puppeteer... I mean President," Cheney said, in a statement.

The so-called Bush Presidency, now in it's 7th year, has been troubled by the war in Iraq, the war on terror, and myriad domestic issues, but Cheney is confident he can turn things around during his short term in office.

"I've got a few tricks up my sleeve," Cheney said. "Hint, it rhymes with atom bomb."

"Actually, that wasn't a hint. I intend to drop one on Iraq," he added.

Critics of the Bush/Cheney Presidency remain skeptical that a Cheney/Cheney Presidency can turn things around.

"A colonoscopy takes no time at all. He'll be out of there in an hour," said Linda Goodenfake, president of Mad and Raging Parents Insulted By Bush, or MR. PIBB.

"That's what they said about Iraq," Cheney responded. "And we know how that went."

Working Hard? Or Hardly Working?

On the day of September 11th, 2001, after spending most of the morning flying from one undisclosed location to the next, hiding, in fear of terrorists, President George W. Bush finally made his first statement. He promised, above all else, "Make no mistake, the United States will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts."

That evening, finally back in the Oval Office, Bush set into motion the plan that would eventually become his "War on Terror."

"I've directed the full resources for our intelligence and law enforcement communities to find those responsible and bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them."

Nearly six years later, has George W. Bush fulfilled his promise? Perhaps that's unfair. It was, indeed, a tall order. So let me instead ask, are we safer today from terror than we were on September 10th, 2001?

WASHINGTON (AP)- U.S. intelligence analysts have concluded al-Qaida has rebuilt its operating capability to a level not seen since just before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, The Associated Press has learned.

The conclusion suggests that the network that launched the most devastating terror attack on the United States has been able to regroup along the Afghan-Pakistani border despite nearly six years of bombings, war and other tactics aimed at crippling it.

Yes, of course the CIA is nothing but a bunch of communist baby-haters. And the media is their willing concubine. But Bush isn't exactly denying it.

Bin Laden is still at large. Despite all the power at the United States disposal, the ringleader of the organization that attacked us is free. And he is free because of a concious decision by the Bush administration. "I'm not to worried about him," Bush famously said.

What has Bush acheived? He's torn apart Iraq, destroyed America's reputation, and sent thousands of patriotic boys and girls to their deaths. And Al-Queda keeps growing back, every time its tail is cut off. Yet Bush still refuses to go for the head.

I'll never understand how Iraq became responsible for 9-11. How Bin Laden became Saddam. How "winning hearts and minds" turned into sanctioned torture and collateral damage.

But I guess it was all part of that vision George W. Bush had for America while he was flying to Nebraska on September 11th, afraid for his life.

My Strategy For Winning The War

by George W. Bush



Congress told me that I need to communicate with the American people about how we're going to win this war in Iraq. They told me people don't understand what we're doing there. So I'm here to tell you what we're doing, and share with you the detailed strategery that will accomplish our mission.

Step 1: Work Hard.

I know I've been working hard. And so has Dick Cheney. And Donald Rumsfeld. And all our troops over in Iraq. Spreading freedom is hard work. And we need to work hard to make it happen.

Step 2: Keep Working Hard.

This is an important addition to step one. We must keep working hard. Even if it gets hard to work hard. I'll tell you, it was tough this summer to stay focused, with all the hard work that had to be done on my ranch. But I kept working hard. That's the most important thing. We can't cut and run. If we don't keep working hard, how are the Iraqis supposed to?

Step 3: Make Fun Of People Who Say We Don't Work Hard

I haven't been to too many hospitals, visiting wounded troops. In fact, I haven't gone to any. But when someone who has gone to those hospitals, and fought in a war (I didn't do that either) starts to say we're not working hard, we have to make fun of that person so people think he's not working hard. Because we're the ones working hard. No one works harder. I don't have time to visit memorial services or listen to soldiers complaining. I'm too busy working hard.

Step 4: Take A Vacation

The thing about hard work is, it makes you tired. So those of us who work so hard need a vacation. No, not our troops... Me. I've spent more time on vacation than any other President. That's because I work harder than any of them ever did. Especially that Clinton guy. He barely took any vacation. Because he didn't work hard.

Step 5: Success

If we keep working hard, and making fun of those people that say we don't work hard, then Iraq will be a beacon of freedom in the Middle East, and the world. And Jesus himself will return to Earth and gather up us hard workers, leaving behind only the Democrats, the Log Cabin Republicans and John McCain. And then we won't need to work hard anymore. Because in heaven, coke is good for you and there are no dirty stinking lying journalists poking fun of your bad vocabularization.



So that's the plan. It's not a timetable. No war has ever been won on a timetable. The only way to win a war is through hard work. And we're working hard. We are. A lot harder than Osama. What's he done recently? Bring it on!!!