Tomato Tomato



This is just sooo funny. I never watched the hills... but this kind of stuff makes me wish I had. Kinda.

Another Great Excuse In Celebrity History

First O.J. Simpson's "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." Then Robert Blake's, "I couldn't have shot her, because I went back inside to look for my gun." Now...

"In 2005, around the time of the congressional hearings into the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball, I had a conversation with Roger Clemens in Kissimmee, Florida. I asked him what he would say if asked by reporters if he had ever used performance-enhancing drugs. When he asked what I meant, I reminded him that he had told me that he had used HGH.

"Roger responded by telling me that I must have misunderstood him. He claimed that it was his wife, Debbie, who used HGH. And I said, 'OK,' or words to that effect, not because I agreed with him, but because I wasn't going to argue with him."

--Andy Pettitte

The embarassing Roger Clemens downfall, here:



Bai Ling, not wanting Roger to be the only celebrity with a bad excuse yesterday, came up with "I only shoplifted because my boyfriend broke up with me."

Well, that explains it then!!

Fantastic Fox


Jessica Alba Is My Superhero

On the cover of Sunday's Parade Magazine, actress Jessica Alba declares "I wish I were invisible."

Jessica and I have this in common. I too wish to be invisible. While in Jessica's apartment.

That was a joke. I am not a creepy stalker.

But Jessica does raise an interesting point. Is there any room for privacy in the lives of the rich and famous? Or is normalcy forfeited upon reaching a certain profitability in the box office?

Last week, we saw A-Rod gallivanting around town with a stripper/Playboy reject. We saw Lindsay passed out drunk in a car. We saw Paris Hilton buying bibles. Isn't there a war going on? Shouldn't we be giving these celebrities some space and focus on more pressing matters?

No. In fact, celebrity watching is the most vital, important thing this country needs right now. Save the Lindsay Lohan strange knife play photos, save the world.

Without the paparazzi, magazines like US Weekly and Star are replaced on magazine racks with U.S. News and World Report and The Economist. Page Six becomes another page of dismal, soul crushing news. We are a species that seeks stimulation, that is driven mad by routine. Locke couldn't keep pushing the button, and neither can we. Every so often, we need to be reminded there's a mystical island out there for us to explore. It's called Ibiza, and its teeming with topless celebrities.

Yes, while the normal world is at work in an office building, our beloved celebrities are crisping on white sands. While we go to bed at 10 PM on a Tuesday night, setting our alarm for work at 8 am, they're doing lines of coke off of the dashboard of their Maseratis. While we have babies that resemble our ugliest relatives, they have babies born with modeling contracts. And we want to see it all. Not out of malice, or schadenfreude, or because we revel in their humiliation. But because by viewing their lives, through the paparazzi lens, we experience just one half of one percent of a hope that one day, we too can experience that reckless, carefree, decadent lifestyle that normal society tells us is both wrong and impossible.

We'll never be able to frolic in the Caribbean with Jessica. But we can watch someone else do it. And it gives us that glimmer of inspiration. No one ever feels good after reading about Iraq, or seeing photos of genocide victims. But people do feel good after reading US Weekly. They feel good after seeing last nights celebrity party pictures on a gossip blog. Shouldn't we want people to feel good? Shouldn't celebrities want to make us feel good?

So as much as I love Jessica, I have to disagree. I want her to be visible. Because the more visible she is, the more people will be feeling good. And if enough people feel good, maybe they'll start doing good. And if they start doing good, maybe we can all make this whole bag of onions we call a world good as well. It's worth the effort.

So celebrities, paparazzi, get your party on. Let's get some US Weeklys sent to Darfur, post haste. The world needs you now, more than ever.


Wanna go out sometime for milkshakes and fries?

Paris In Jail


Let The Male Fantasies Begin...

LOS ANGELES - In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, celebrity heiress Paris Hilton has described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted.

She also fired her spokesman, veteran publicist Elliot Mintz, whom she blamed for getting her into the mess.

I can just imagine Paris's thoughts...

"It's not my fault I drove drunk numerous times and never showed up at my court-mandated alcohol-awareness classes! I was too busy making new sex tapes and saying "That's Hot" a lot."

"It was all that damn Jew's fault. He should have stopped me from driving without a license. How was I supposed to know that by signing a document acknowledging that my license was suspended, that I wasn't allowed to drive? I'm not a rocket scientist."

"It's so unfair!! They're just doing this to me because I'm a celebrity. Sure, most people who do this sort of thing spend 90 days in jail instead of 45, but I'm not most people! I'm hot. You can't do this to hot people!"

"I guess this is a country where a celebrity can't drive drunk without her headlights on. Geesh. Like, lighten up. It's not like I killed anybody. Except for that one guy... But he was ugly so he didn't matter. Anyways, this isn't the America I want to live in. Whatever happened to home of the free? Land of the brave? All that crap???"

[UPDATE] Paris rehired the publicist the ridiculously blamed for her own actions. She has also started an online petition begging Governor Terminator to set her free.

"f the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect the governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton."

Well, at least she's not comparing herself to Jesus... yet.

And The "Out Of Touch" Award Goes To...

"I would say there’s no real upside to fame. No really measurable one. There’s money, but that doesn’t necessarily come along with fame. People always say that they can get dinner reservations, but c’mon. You could always figure out some other way to dinner reservations." - Meg Ryan, in the May issue of Redbook

"No upside to fame"? "Always get dinner reservations"? Lines like this, Meggy, are why you're no longer "America's Sweetheart." Also, you've had some terrible plastic surgery and haven't made a good movie since Sleepless in Seattle.