Adam and Jay Visit Argentina: Day 3, Muchos Perros



I'm a lover of animals. Though I do have to say, my love has some limits. I've never been a huge fan of dogs, mostly because they often lunge at my crotch. I'm told this behavior means "he likes you," but for me, any creature's sharp teeth near my private area isn't the type of thing I welcome.

Why do I mention this in a recap of my time in Argentina? Well, in Bariloche, Jay and I made some new friends. Friends we had a hard time getting rid of. Like that neighbor in Empty Nest.


Ding Ding Ding!! That's The Sound Of Adam's Life Random TV Sitcom Reference Of The Week!!!

These friends were not Charley Dietz, providing comic relief. They were stray dogs-- apparently, there's a lot of them in South America. Because Argentinians don't believe in animal control, they'd rather feed the strays scraps than allow people to round them up and euthanize them. Go figure.

After waking up from my alcohol-induced coma, Jay and I walked through Bariloche with Jay's friend Mark, who he'd met earlier in his travels. We looked at the ice-skating rink (desperately in need of a Zamboni) and walked a little ways out of town along the main road. A lone dog began to follow us. Instantly, I knew wearing my new Purina One aftershave was a mistake.

At least this dog seemed reasonably well-groomed. I figured he'd been left to roam around by his owner. But as we turned a corner and headed down to the beach, another dog joined us. Then another. Soon, we were leading a stray dog parade, interrupted only by the passing of a unfortunate minivan:


The Dogs Mistook The Minivan For A Giant Steak. There Were No Survivors.

We sped up our pace, but the dogs stayed with us, all the way to a secluded, gorgeous, rocky beach on the shores of Nahuel Huapí. We sat down to take in the scenery and take a nap. The dogs joined us:


Minutes Later, Mark Disappeared Mysteriously

The view on the beach was pretty incredible, and the wind coming off the lake was intense, but refreshing on a sunny, cool day. I can imagine that the windsurfing must have been pretty great just about then:


Sure, That's Me...

Jay and I were a little mystified as to where his friend Mark went, but the dogs did seem a little fatter. "How do we get rid of these dogs?" Jay said in our secret human language. "I don't know," I said. "But maybe we can lose them if we walk on ridiculously rocky terrain back into town."


Well, That Didn't Work

Finally we reached a point where one path led up to town, one path led down to the beach, where a group of Argentinians were sitting in the shade. Jay and I looked at each other, and immediately had the same idea. We headed down the path, leading the dogs... and then, the moment they started to look at the other group...

We took off the other way.

I do mean took off. Ran. Up the street, in relatively high elevation. We were both winded when we reached the main square of town. No more dogs!! Well, except this guy:


Don't Even Think About It, Fido

We had some time to kill before my cousin Mark and his fiancee Kati arrived, so Jay and I went to, what else, the town's only casino. Having successfully lost all my money in Peru, I wasn't too optimistic. But Jay and I got a run of incredibly lucky cards, and I left up 150.

Pesos. But still. Not bad.

My cousin's arrival was met with hugs and a big Mexican dinner at Los Dos Zapatos. I recommend the carne fajitas. Muy bien. We also had some of the most sickeningly sweet margaritas I've ever had.

We couldn't party too hard though. Tomorrow we were off on yet another adventure. A three day, two night camping trip along the Seven Lakes route. At dinner, we looked through our guidebooks: Frommer's, Lonely Planet, and Rough Guide. On one of the last pages in the Rough Guide, there was a cryptic, one-sentence note about some hot springs located at the end of a "rocky" road. "That sounds interesting," I said.

Oh Adam. When will you learn?

Tomorrow, more. I promise.

Halloween Hot Dogs

As seen in Tompkins Square Park yesterday...


"It's Elemetary, Dear Watson..."


"Cotton candy, sweet and low, let me see that tootsie roll..."


Some Owners Were Scarier Than Their Dogs...


Uh Oh, Looks Like Someone's A Lobster Dinner Tonight


Michael Phelps-dog, World Record Holder In The Doggie-Paddle


"Here Comes Santa-paws, Here Comes Santa-Paws..."


...and his reindogs


"Tell Me More, Tell Me More, Did He Bark All Night..."


Nacho Libre-dog

And my personal favorite (in cuteness):


He Doesn't Lay Eggs, Just Poops

The winner of the canine costume contest?


Sadly, Rapunzel Was Not Rescued Because The Prince Had To Chase A Squirrel

Liberals Steal Dogs From Children



By Robbie Republican

Everyday in this country, I hear another frightening story about the downfall of the American family. Our values are quickly vanishing, and soon, we'll be left with nothing but a wasteland of homosexual baby killers, who will soon die off from lack of reproduction and return the land to its natural, God-given state.

The latest story concerns the recent dog adoption by famous lesbian Ellen DeGeneres. You undoubtedly have read my book, Lesbians Are Hot But Gays Are Not, in which I write that lesbians use the devil to convince certain parts of the male anatomy into approving of their lifestyle. On page 113, I refer to DeGeneres as "Ellen Degenerate." That's trademarked by the way.

But Ellen did a noble thing recently. Realizing that two pie eaters are unfit to raise a dog, she gave her adopted pup, Iggy, to a heterosexual family. If only more liberal free love drug addicts did the same thing. Ellen gave the dog to her hairstylist's family. The hairstylist's two daughters, 11 and 12, fell in love with it.

But when the agency called to check in on the dog, they found out about the transfer of ownership. Apparently, they think heterosexuals shouldn't own dogs. So they sent their Greenpeace thugs to the hairdresser's house, and ripped the dog out of the arms of its loving, and moral, new owners.

I am outraged. And so should you be. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I say that liberal America is on a rampage, seeking to tear out the pillars holding up the basic values of our country.

If a dog adoption agency thinks a lesbian junta is a fit owner for a dog, but thinks a typical American family is not, then who's to say that a human adoption agency won't conclude the same thing? It's a slippery slope, people, and the communists are greasing it up.

I urge every good, honest, Christian, hardworking, strong and patriotic American to protest this "Mutts & Mao" adoption agency. Show them that we'd rather let dogs get euthanized then send them into the hairy, brainwashing arms of the liberal lezzies.

My hero, Ronald Reagan, once said, "Win one for the Gipper!" I say, lets win this one for Iggy, for our children, and for America.

Next week, on my radio show, I'll talk about how the liberal media is using Hollywood studios to fool the American public into thinking the war in Iraq hasn't ended already.

Till then, God bless America. We're gonna need it.