Why We Shouldn't Care About Global Warming

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, and that means plenty of time with the extended family. In my family, like most others, we have people from both sides of the political spectrum. And that means certain issues are bound to divide the dinner table. One of these is Global Warming. A few years ago, it seemed like Republicans and Democrats had finally reached agreement that it was a very real problem. But recently, Republicans have tended to be more vociferous about the "lingering doubts" and "shady science" surrounding Al Gore's favorite subject.

They're right about one thing. We shouldn't give a shit about Global Warming. In fact, the Earth would probably be a lot better off if we just forgot about the whole thing.

A recent study conducted by scientists at the University of California at Berkeley found that people just don't respond well to the dire, catastrophic worldview presented by Global Warming alarmists. The truth is, Global Warming seems so huge, so... global, that a lot of people have a hard time getting their heads around it.

People don't like the smell of smokestacks. They don't like mountains of trash. People don't like to see baby animals die, and they don't like being stuck in traffic behind some ancient car spewing fumes. People are inclined to want a clean place to live, and they naturally don't want things added to the environment that cause cancer and birth defects. But in people's day to day lives, they really don't think too much about icebergs and polar bears.

According to Wikipedia, Global Warming came into vogue in the late 1980's, when NASA scientist James E. Hansen said to Congress: "global warming has reached a level such that we can ascribe with a high degree of confidence a cause and effect relationship between the greenhouse effect and the observed warming." Why the press and the international community went wild over such a boring quote in such a boring setting, I have no idea.

But what Global Warming did was hijack environmentalism. Instead of arguing that smokestacks and inefficient cars made our country a less pleasant place to live, and hurt our health, the argument became: burning fossil fuels raises global temperatures by a small, difficult to notice degree that will harm the distant future of the world. Instead of arguing that burning fossil fuels is living on borrowed time, the argument became, burning fossil fuels shortens the lifespan of the Earth as a whole.

An industrial polluter, gas company or fan of muscle cars can't put up any argument that burning fossil fuels lays waste to surrounding areas and clogs up our lungs: we see the evidence every day, all around us. Stand on a street corner when a bus pulls up and idles-- you can smell that something's not quite right. Look outside at the neighborhood covered in freshly fallen snow... then look a few minutes later, when soot and grime rules out any snowman-building. With our own eyes, we see how disgusting pollution can be. Hell, drive through Newark sometime.

To polluters, Global Warming was a gift. A difficult-to-see, difficult-to-measure effect that even scientists admitted probably wouldn't bother any of us in our lifetimes. Global Warming could easily be dismissed with jokes about "Indian summers" and beach days in March. Global Warming even provided a great political cartoon character, Al Gore, who could be pilloried in conservative media and of course, South Park:



Our environment is vital to our health and our national security. Pollution puts food sources at risk, and has a measurable effect on lung health and quality of life. When it comes to pollution, air and otherwise, no one wants it in their backyard. Ask anyone, Republican or Democrat, if pollution is bad, and you won't hear anyone say no.

So lets stop harping on this Global Warming thing. Chances are, it's true, pollutants are contributing to a global rise in temperature that will eventually lead to Jake Gyllenhaal heroically saving a band of survivors hiding out in the New York Public Library after a supercell snowstorm sends the northern hemisphere into a new Ice Age. But that sounds ridiculous, and no one except Al Gore really worries too much about it.

Instead, talk about how our dependence on fossil fuels has made us indebted to places rife with terrorism and anti-American sentiment. Talk about how exhaust from gas-powered cars has been found to cause cancer and respiratory illness. Talk about the hundreds, thousands of reasons why caps on pollution are more than just wise, but necessary to prevent the escalating health care costs and deaths associated with burning fossil fuels. You can even get a bit wistful and talk about how all the resources on this planet today are all the resources we will ever have, and once they're used up, there will be nothing but toxic residue left for our future generations.

Just don't talk about Global Warming. It might as well not exist.

Kill, Baby, Kill



Back in the 2008 Presidential Election, Sarah Palin was a big fan of the phrase, "Drill, Baby, Drill." I wonder what her feelings on that are now, given the way the British Petroleum (BP) Deepwater Horizon oil disaster is currently destroying the Gulf states for decades, maybe even centuries to come. But Palin isn't in charge, Obama is, and the way he's handled the crisis really makes me question what side he's playing for. A Louisiana resident, Mac Rebennack, said it best, to New York Magazine:

“The thing is a damn crime scene. Who ever heard of the perpetrators getting to run their own crime scene?”

That's my question also. It's clear that pretty much everyone involved with the exploded oil rig cut corners, covered up safety issues, ignored warnings, and was pretty much incompetent. And nothing they've done to try to stop the spill has shown that they've learned their lesson:

-Initial BP estimates stated that the oil well was leaking 1,000 barrels a day. But the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration estimated that the leak was likely 5,000 barrels. After the video of the leak was released, those estimates shot up... about 10 to 20 times. Certainly looks like BP was trying to downplay the size of the leak. They've repeatedly resisted attempts to allow scientists to more accurately measure the flow of oil. To go with Rebennack's metaphor, this is like a murderer telling the cops they can't examine the victim, but it's okay because the victim isn't really as dead as he seems.

-BP claimed that the chemical they're using to break up the oil in the water is perfectly safe. Biodegradable, non-toxic, absolutely no carcinogens. So of course the Environmental Protection Agency approved it. But there's just one little problem:

Despite [the seller of the dispersant's] claims that Corexit is safe, biodegradable, and free of carcinogens, it happens to contain substances that--you guessed it!--are dangerous, non-biodegradable, and carcinogenic.

This of course, despite the fact that safe chemicals have been around for decades. BP, saying poison is safe does not make it so!

-BP has announced publicly that they can't understand why their stock price is dropping. This actually makes a lot of sense. See, BP expects the government to twiddle their thumbs before making a largely symbolic, hardly punitive action against BP. They expect the financial penalties to be small. Then the company can go about its business, putting this hiccup behind it. Already, since the spill, the government has approved six deep-water wells. BP knows this. And they know that once you've got an addict hooked, even if you kick the shit out of them, they'll keep coming back for more.

So lets review. The government's letting BP cleanup its own crime scene. It's letting them use a toxic chemical to clean the spill, just because BP says it's safe. And to top it off, BP is so confident that the government won't severely punish them, that they're miffed at investors for getting antsy with their stock.

Does this sound like a company that's learned its lesson?

Does it sound as if our government is going to teach it one?

Maybe if the oil washes up on Martha's Vineyard, those who should be taking charge of this mess will finally do something.
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P.S. Does the name of the oil rig, Deepwater Horizon remind anyone else of these three movies: Deep Rising, Open Water and Event Horizon? No wonder there was a blowout: the whole thing sounded like a horror film.

Killer Cats

The New York Times has an interesting article about wild cats decimating the bird population throughout the world, especially in island and seashore habitats. One bird lover took it upon himself to shoot the offending furballs.

"For the cats, it’s easy pickings. They’re popping birds like they were M & M’s." -cat shooter Jim Stevenson.

Here at Adam's Life, we believe cats are just like people (and dogs are just like really dumb people). As such, some are cute and cuddly, and others would make Ted Bundy afraid.

So I'm not sure shooting them is the answer. The guy who shot the cat didn't catch the cat in the act of eating a bird. How did he know that the cat he shot was one of the bad ones? Maybe that cat was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, lured to the bird's nesting grounds by some of his cat frat brothers, in some sort of cat hazing ritual. Maybe that cat just came to the bird nesting grounds because that's where all the hot female cats hung out. My point is, that poor cat was executed without due process. And that's just un-American.

So what do I propose? How do we solve the feral cat problem? Simple, my friends...

Cat jails.



Two "Cat Jail" Prototypes

In every municipality dealing with a feral cat problem, we set up special tribunals to try accused cats. Each cat will be assigned a public defender, and the prosecution will have to prove that the de-feline-dent actually committed a crime.

If convicted, the cat will receive a sentence anywhere from community service (forced to pick up trash along the highway) to life behind bars (I don't believe in the death penalty).

Now, I know what you're saying. This will cost taxpayers billions. It will make a mockery of the criminal justice system. Billions, you say? Well how much are we spending on the war?? A mockery of the criminal justice system? Um... hello, remember this?:


The System Doesn't Work

Cat jails will work as a deterrent, making feral cats think twice about attacking endangered birds. And they can pay for themselves... just charge admission to cat lovers, turning each cat jail into a sort of petting zoo.

The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced it will work. So write your congressman. Tell him you don't want another cent of your taxpayer dollars going towards the war, and you want it all directed towards cat jails. It's the only humane way to deal with this problem.

The Elephant That Went Over The Falls

When hotels are built where wildlife preserves should be, tragedy occurs.

This just made me sad.

1st Beaver Spotted In NYC In 200 Years



By Jose the Beaver

Yo. What's up? Jose here. You know, NYC's first beaver in 200 years. You're probably wondering what I'm doing in town. Well you know what? It's none of your business.

If you must know, I've been living in Hoboken until I could afford the NYC rent. You know how much a single-occupancy beaver dam in Manhattan is going for these days? Forget about it.

Plus, I've been layin low. Us beavers haven't been too popular lately. First, Leave it to Beaver got cancelled. Then, Beaver College changed their name to Arcadia University. And I heard that Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan SHAVED theirs! I don't even wanna know what that means.

Yeah, it's not easy being North America's largest rodent. The American Indians used to revere me. Now, you Americans accuse me of messing up the ecosystem with my dams, meanwhile, you're dumping crap in my river. Well, I say, dam you all to hell.

Ok, I'm sorry. That was harsh. But for over a hundred years, you dumped the most disgusting filth imaginable into the Hudson, the Bronx River and the East River, and you expected us Beavers to just stick around? The only reason I'm back is because the suburbs are so damn boring. Us Beavers like to go where the action is.

And New York City has never been a better place for beaver action. You see how many Christmas trees were out on the curb last month? Enough to build a hundred quality dams. And don't get me started on the culinary and cultural delights. The sets of "Lennon" and "High Fidelity" were delicious to chew on, and New York Magazine, you were right about new East Village hotspot Momofuku: I think they've got the best chopsticks in town.

So yeah, I'm back. But please, if you see me walking down the street, listening to my iPod, please don't get in my face and try to give me a hug. Beavers don't like to be touched without permission. And only my girlfriend gets that.

But feel free to send me an email telling me about all the hot new beaver spots in the city. You can reach me at josethebeaver@gmail.com. And please, keep our waterways clean.

Beaver, out.