This Is How You Promote Girls Soccer

Forget Mia Hamm And Brandi Chastain.

Why focus on the beauty, grace, and inspiration of a sport when you can focus on girls in shorts attacking one another brutally??





That pigtail throwdown is brutal. Now that's entertainment! (/sad state of today's youth, etc. etc.)

Why We Need Better Sex Ed


Kids Today...

DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a dumb question, but I really need to know the answer. Can you get pregnant when your breasts are still underdeveloped?

My boyfriend says you can't, but I need to know for sure. I'm afraid to keep birth control in my room because my little sister, who I have to share a room with, constantly snoops through my stuff when I'm not there. She would be sure to show it to our parents if she found it because she loves to get me in trouble, so I really need to know the answer to this. -- QUESTIONING IN OKLAHOMA

Yes, I read "Dear Abby" everyday. But that's besides the point. Abby answers "Questioning's" question a bit too forgivingly I think...

DEAR QUESTIONING: There is no such thing as a "dumb" question.

Your boyfriend is mistaken. Breast development has nothing to do with whether a girl can become pregnant. The onset of a young woman's menstrual cycle has everything to do with it. Under no circumstances should you have unprotected sex. Not only will it place you at risk for pregnancy, but also for sexually transmitted infections.

I just would have wrote... listen dummy, your boyfriend is a liar who just wants to get his rocks off. Send him packing before he sends you to the maternity ward. You don't want no baby mama drama!!

Ah, I should have an advice column.

Also... why's this girl WRITING DEAR ABBY about this? There's not one person she knows who can answer this question (in a more timely fashion, perhaps)?

And a couple days ago I read the most shocking Dear Abby column:

DEAR ABBY: Please help me to warn your readers about an alarming trend happening in the teenage community: prom babies. I first heard about it while driving my teenage daughter to a lacrosse meet with several of her girlfriends. One girl in the car, "Carrie," said she hoped this year she could have a prom baby. The girls were discussing two former classmates from last year's lacrosse team who had been unable to begin college because they had both become mothers at 17.

Both had deliberately planned to get pregnant on prom night -- hence the term, "prom baby." Abby, both of the girls were studious and hard-working with bright futures ahead of them. One had been accepted to several Ivy League schools. Needless to say, their parents were devastated, and many adjustments had to be made for the new babies.

My daughter later told me that several of her other friends were considering trying to get pregnant near prom time so they, too, wouldn't have to deal with the pressures of going to college. Apparently, parents are less strict about their children's whereabouts on prom night and let their teens spend the night in a hotel or at mixed-gender sleepovers.

I thought this sad trend might be local to our area, but during a class reunion in California I learned the trend may be nationwide. One of my oldest friends, "Dana," confided during the reunion that she had become a grandmother at 43 due to her daughter having a prom baby.

As prom night approaches, please warn parents to talk with their children about the responsibilities of premarital sex and the dangers of a prom baby. -- WORRIED DAD IN ALPHARETTA, GA.

I mean... sure having a prom baby sounds cool. But when you stop and think about it, wouldn't you rather be partying at college than changing diapers? I'll take beer pong over poopy huggies any day.

Maybe I'm just old and out of touch. Maybe you're just not cool anymore unless you've got a newborn to match with your pink rhinestone-studded T-moblie sidekick. A girl's got to accessorize, after all.

Remember when girls used to not slut it up all the time? Why'd I have to be born back then??

Welcome to Paris Hilton's America.

Jewish American Princesses


Role Model

This article raises the question, what is Disney teaching our girls?

I agree with the article's point, although, I'd like to point out some positive messages that some Disney movies send.

Beauty and the Beast, for example. Belle's no stupid ditz like the little mermaid. She reads books! Brainy! And although she could very easily marry the handsome, muscular Gaston, she finds that inner beauty, rather than external, makes for the ideal husband. Beast's heart is what attracts her, not his looks. If only all girls would learn this very important lesson, they'd all go for me.

A similar lesson is taught in the movie Aladdin. Jasmine disdains the wealthy, arrogant suitors... even Aladdin, when he disguises himself as a prince. While I wouldn't want my daughter taking any "magic carpet rides" with some street rat, I would want her to learn that money and power isn't everything... its what's in the heart that counts.

Finally, there's The Lion King. Nala is in love with Simba. They're childhood sweethearts. But when she encounters the now-adult Simba, wasting his days away in his jungle dreamland, she's repulsed by his lack of responsibility. Only when Simba stops being a slacker and decides to accomplish his destiny does Nala marry him and bear his lion cub. The lesson is obvious. Slackers = not ideal boyfriends. Guys who throw their evil uncles to the hyenas = marriage material.


I'm Not Lyin, It's One Hot Lion...(ess)

Sure, Ariel's a little tramp who'd do any guy on two legs. And speaking of tramps, Lady is a pretty helpless individual. Sleeping Beauty is a clear victim of date rape, and Herbie: Fully Loaded star Lindsay Lohan has been pretty much fully loaded for the past year. "I wasn't drinking officer! I swear!! The car has a mind of it's own!" Sure, Lindsay. Sure. But clearly, not all Disney movies reinforce tired old cliches of the "helpless female waiting for a man to rescue her."

Girls, be more like Belle, and less like Lindsay Lohan. Belle's hotter anyway.

Chivalry

Women like to sit. According to Carrie.

I consider myself a gentleman. I hold doors for women. This week, trying to catch a cab on a busy Saturday afternoon, I let two girls take the cab even though I was obviously waiting there first. And if I were on the Titanic, I would have let the women and children go first, even if one of them was stupid enough to throw the damn Heart of the Ocean diamond necklace overboard. Why'd she do it? Why!?!?

But if I'm sitting on a subway, and some perfectly healthy girl enters, and has to stand... do I really have to get up and give her my seat? Really? Even though she would Mace me in a second if I tried to hit on her? This isn't a lifeboat we're talking about here. Yeah, women have to put up with a lot. PMS for one. But us guys have to deal with a lot of crap too. Like girls with PMS.

Maybe I would have given up that seat before this weekend. I went to a bar with my friend, who I'll call J-dawg. I decided to approach a group of girls.

Now I'm not a swarmy character. As I said, I'm a gentlemanly guy. Me and J-dawg were having a disagreement over whether guy bartenders or girl bartenders poured better drinks. So I decided to ask the girl her opinion.

Here is how it went.

Me: (confidently) Hey.. excu..

Girl: You do not want to be talking to me.

Me: What?

Girl: Trust me. You do not want to be talking to me.

Me: (terrified) But I, uh...

Girl: Ok, what do you want?

Me: (retreating into a shell) Uh... I gotta go.

Yeah. Brutal.

I went to get another drink. I ordered a vodka tonic, cause I'm doing the kosher for passover thing. I overheard the girl next to me mention Passover and I started talking to her. She was Jewish too. Drinking a vodka and diet coke. We had a nice conversation. Got into one of those east-coast vs. west-coast debates (she was from California). I started to get over the searing pain caused by the brutality I'd just suffered. THEN this Jewish girl's friend comes over.

Jgirl: This is my friend, Bitchy McNopersonality

Me: Oh hey, I'm Adam, nice to meet you.

Bitchy: Yeah.

Me: Are you from California too?

Bitchy: No.

Jgirl: She goes to school with me.

Me: Oh yeah? What do you study?

Jgirl: She's studying biology, she's doing a paper on Penguins.

Me: Oh yeah? You think that maybe, when no one is looking, they fly around?

Bitchy: They can't fly.

Me: So you don't think they're just trying to fool us.

Bitchy: No. They can't fly. Are you an idiot?

Me: I'm just joking.

Bitchy: (to friend) Let's go.

Me: You ever hear of this new thing? It's called humor?

Bitchy: Nice meeting you (drags friend away).

Needless to say, after this night, I started to question the whole chivalry thing. Why be nice to girls when they'll treat you like shit and not even bat an eyelash in remorse? I was nice, friendly, not drunk, dressed reasonably well (I had an abercrombie polo on). Why react so bitchily toward me? It was as if I'd whipped out my penis and asked the girls to suck it. All I did was say hi!

So girls, women. The bottom line is this. If you want this whole chivalry thing, you're gonna have to earn it. Women back in the day had no rights, no property, and had to wear things that are now used in Abu Gharib to torture prisoners. Yet, they were polite, well-mannered, sweet. Chivalry made sense because, hell, if they could be nice after we men treated them like second class citizens, they deserved to get in the lifeboats first.

But if you're going to act like a bitch, there's no way I'm standing up for you on the subway.