Washington Heights Condo Comes With Giant Spider

Trigger Warning: This post contains what appears to be a GIANT SPIDER.

At first blush, this listing for a Washington Heights duplex seems pretty typical for NYC, if you don't blanch at paying $700,000 for a ground floor apartment on 163rd Street. The size- 1,380 square feet, is admirable, there's a roof deck, and the bathroom appears fully renovat...

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!!!!

It can't be...

No....

WHAT THE F....

Before you tell me spiders have 8 legs... yes, I know. But absent an explanation for this strange decor, I've got to assume this was a tarantula who got in a fight with a rat, and now has 7 legs.

That could explain this in the description:

SELLER MUST SELL ASAP......

I suppose there could be worse roommates in this city.

Update: The apartment has been re-listed, with new photos... but none of the spider's lair... I mean bathroom. The price has also dropped more than $100,000, so if you don't fear giant arachnids, it seems like a pretty great deal.

Every Republican Announces Presidential Bid

WASHINGTON, D.C.-- In a stunning announcement, every current and former Republican elected official has decided to join Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, George Pataki, Lindsay Graham, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Chris Christie, Rick Perry, Bobby Jindal, and John Kasich in a bid for the party's 2016 Presidential nomination.

"Today I officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States!" tweeted thousands of center-right politicians at around 11:01 AM Monday morning. Candidates ranged from distinguished senators on Capitol Hill like Lamar Alexander, to Duxbury, Vermont dogcatcher Jebediah Whitman.

"I didn't want to get left out," Whitman, told the Associated Press. "I figured, hey, I got as good a shot as anyone else."

Republican National Convention chairman Reince Priebus issued a statement welcoming the new field of contenders. "The people are fed up with the Democrats failed leadership. The Republican Party believes America is ready to make a different choice. We've just given them 363,201 real leaders to choose from."

So far, none of the new candidates have explained how their platform differs from the others. All would seek to overturn the Affordable Health Care Act, pursue bans on gay marriage and abortion, and cut spending on the poor in favor of tax cuts for the rich.

"We have plenty of diversity competing for the ticket," Priebus said. "We've got at least a dozen women I'm aware of. And that black guy."

Asked whether the crowded field might turn into a self-defeating bloodbath, Priebus pretended to have received a very important phone call, despite the fact that his phone didn't ring or vibrate, and left the press conference through a side door.

For now, the biggest questions appear to be logistical-- how many candidates can be included on the Republican primary ballot? How big a room would be required for the Iowa caucus or the primary debates? Who will be managing the responsibilities of all these candidates as they spend time on the campaign trail?

Whitman, for one, isn't sweating the specifics.

"I'm already counting on three votes from my wife and kids," he says. "With this many candidates, that might be enough to win."

Chicago Nixes Design Over Gang-like Symbols, Chooses Ambiguously Gay Duo Fondling Penis Instead

The city of Chicago held a contest for area youth to draw the new sticker to be displayed on Police, Fire and Paramedic vehicles. 15-year-old Herbert Pulgar's design won:



Beautiful, right? Unity, togetherness, heroes.

Then a blogger named Detective Shaved Longcock (yes, that's right) suggested the design echoed the signs of notorious street gang the Maniac Latin Disciples.

On its own, the sticker design doesn't really reveal much. The heart is a symbol of the gang... but its also a heart. The hands reaching up are twisted into a shape that could, if viewed the right way, resemble the pitchfork sign used by the gang.

But most damning is the background information Detective Longcock (yes, again) uncovered. Digging into the Facebook pages of Herbert and his family, he unearthed photos of blunt-smoking, bandana-wearing, gun-toting and well, gang-sign-flashing.

Now the city is switching designs to avoid any resemblance to things related to gang activity:

Uh... wait a minute...

Those guys on the right look familiar...

Um... yeah.

What was third place? The Chicago police, fire and paramedics depicted as the three little pigs?

This is why you don't have kids draw things.

Forget The Motorcades... Hit The Used Car Lot

This is the stuff disaster movies are made of. Widespread gridlock clogging every one of New York's arterial streets. Crowds of restless citizens, held back by barricades and anxious cops. Sirens and car horns drowning out the constant city hum, and red and blue strobes lined up like signal fires across the width of Manhattan.

But it wasn't aliens or genetically engineered monsters or even supercyclones powered by global warming that ground the city to a halt tonight.

It was President Obama's motorcade.

My girlfriend and I were walking back to my apartment from dinner, noting how strangely empty third avenue was for the time of night-- and how strangely busy the side streets seemed to be. When we reached 42nd street, we came upon a crowd of people gathered at the street corner, waiting to cross, delayed by heavy police presence.

"What's going on?" we asked.

"Obama's in town for a fundraiser," we were told. His motorcade would be coming by is about 15 minutes. Until it passed and the all clear was given, no one was allowed to cross 42nd street, by car, by bicycle, or on foot.

"How much of 42nd street is closed?"

"All of it. Across the whole island."

Obama eventually came through, in one of two limos, in a parade of town cars, police cruisers, heavy duty trucks, unmarked white vans, ambulances, and a partridge in a pear tree. After the nearly 30 vehicles finally passed, we waited about five more minutes and were finally set free. The Manhattan traffic and assorted food delivery men on bikes were released shortly afterward, but the build up of stopped vehicles for the past hour resulted in a near citywide traffic jam. On the walk home, we witnessed at least two near-accidents.

The hubbub this week has surrounded Obama's birth certificate-- but that's not really an issue that affects anyone. What does affect us is the government budget... A portion of which is devoted to security for government personnel.

Given the events of tonight, which are typical of presidential excursions since the Kennedy assassination, I got to thinking... Isn't this one of the worst, most expensive, most disruptive ways to keep our President safe?

My girlfriend and I had no idea, before running into the madness on 42nd street, that Obama was in town. I'm guessing that your typical terrorist wouldn't either. But by closing off 42nd street to vehicular traffic and lining it with parade barricades-- even informing pedestrians when they could expect the motorcade to come by-- the NYPD and Secret Service basically laid out a well-defined route where the President would be. They basically surrounded the President with flashing lights and flags and held up a sign: "Here He Is!!!"

If I were president, I'd cancel the security theater (Presidents haven't had good luck in theaters.. Or motorcades.)

The best way to keep a President safe is to put him in a '95 Honda Accord.

I know, I know. Buy American. But that's exactly what the terrorists would suspect!

In all seriousness, put the President in an old, nondescript, uninteresting car that no one would look twice at. You still want security, so put the guards in a Mercury Sable station wagon and support personnel in a  Plymouth Caravan. Without all the lights and fanfare attracting attention, you wouldn't need nearly as many vehicles or police presence. No one would know that the President was the guy in the Accord. Especially if he's driving and wearing a Mets cap.

Frankly, it would cost less money, cause less disruption, and make it less likely a crazy assassin could figure out where the President is. Is he in the Accord? Or the '99 Chrysler Sebring?

That's a good deal!

(not the convertible version. Presidents don't have the best of luck in convertibles.)

Consider it, Obama. With this budget thing, every cent counts. And as cool as a motorcade makes you look, it just causes headaches for everyone else.

Fountain Lady Has Lawyer, But Absolutely No Case

This video is hilarious:



This video is sad: "Fountain Lady" Ponders Lawsuit

The original video posted on YouTube did not identify the woman, and the resolution of the tape is insufficient to identify the woman either. The only reason the woman was identified was because she identified herself as the bumbling texter, gave interviews to newspapers and went on television.

So did the video cause her humiliation? Or did she?

She also claims no one came to her aid. As is apparent in the video, not many people saw her. Only one person in the video can be seen looking directly at the incident... and he approaches the woman to ask if she's alright.

The woman got up and out of the fountain swiftly. She didn't appear injured, just embarrassed. Was this something mall security really had to respond to? This seems like something that's not part of their job description.

But now of course, she's planning to sue.

Given the video evidence, she'd fail in court. The threatened lawsuit is simply a ploy to extract a settlement from a mall owner who probably won't want to spend the money to lawyer up. The woman's lawyer is betting they'll settle for a sum less than potential lawyer fees and court costs. Meanwhile, the woman's lawyer will get a percentage of the settlement and some free publicity for his practice.

The irony is, the woman could have spun this into considerably more money by NOT suing. She could have taken advantage of her comic pratfall, spinning it into ads for cell phone unlimited texting plans or one of those, "Wanna Get Away?" Southwest Airlines commercials. I mean, that crying Britney Spears guy made a few bucks, any YouTube viral star should be able to.

Now she's just another sad example of America's love affair with litigation.

Proposed Ground Zero T.G.I. Friday's Fuels Debate, Criticism



Angry relatives of 9/11 victims last night clashed with supporters of a planned T.G.I. Friday's near Ground Zero at a raucous community-board hearing in Manhattan.

After four hours of public debate, members of Community Board 1 finally voted 29-1 in support of the project. Nine members abstained, arguing that they preferred a Chili's.

While the board has no official say over whether the T.G.I. Friday's gets built, already the decision has sent shockwaves throughout the country.

Carrying signs such as, "9/11 Was A Tuesday -- Not A Friday's!" opponents of the proposed casual dining establishment several blocks away from Ground Zero called the plan an insult to the terror-attack victims.

"I mean, have you eaten there lately? It's overpriced crap that tastes like garbage. There's a better way to honor those we lost than the new Jack Daniel's Burger," said a retired FDNY firefighter.

He also raised concerns that terrorists could take advantage of the new restaurant, so close to the location of the largest terrorist attack on American soil.

"I do have a problem with having a T.G.I. Friday's on top of the site where terrorists can sit and enjoy the 3 For $12.99 dinner special," he said, referring to the popular limited-time promotion that includes an appetizer, entree and dessert for $12.99.

Harvey Fakerbean, representing T.G.I. Friday's at the community board meeting, insisted that the restaurant would help "bridge the great divide" between different cultures.

"We have Bruchetta Chicken Pasta, from Italy, the Sizzling Fajitas, from Mexico, Pot Stickers from Asia, the California Turkey Burger and the New York Strip from the United States." Fakerbean said. "We have no higher aspirations than to serve our customers in peace and harmony in this country."

But the crowd got ugly when he added, "Freedom of assembly is the right of all Americans."

Amid boos, one woman shouted, "Not at the World Trade Center!"

Fakerbean's wife, Daisy, followed him to the microphone and pitched the planned restaurant as "much needed party space and much needed dining space" for the area.

She was roundly booed.

President Barack Obama declined to comment on the wisdom of building a restaurant located several streets down and around the corner from the Ground Zero site where tourists buy souvenir t-shirts and commemorative buttons. But he did release a statement saying, "They have a right to build a place of dining and drinking on private property in lower Manhattan. But yeah, I prefer Chili's too. That Awesome Blossom. Delish."

Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin weighed in on the debate on her Facebook page, challenging the President to take a stronger stand against the red-stripe canopied restaurant.

"We all know that they have the right to do it, but should they?" Palin wrote. "And, no, this is not above your pay grade. If those who wish to build this Ground Zero Friday's are sincerely interested in providing a fun, family-friendly atmosphere and good food at affordable prices, then why haven't they recognized that the decision to build a restaurant at this particular location is doing just the opposite? Plus, they charge for breadsticks now. Breadsticks!"

Before the meeting, the Manhattan Borough President, a supporter of the T.G.I. Friday's, stood in front of the site and said, "What we're rejecting here is outright bigotry and hatred. Friday's was born here. Just because a few of their establishments are bad quality doesn't mean they all are. The one at the Monmouth Mall in Eatontown, N.J. is one of my favorites."

Catholic priest Kyle Notreala, of St. Peter's Church, which is a few blocks away, agreed.

"I think they need to establish a place such as this for people from Christian, Jewish and Muslim faiths to come together," Notreala said.

"Because after this," he added, "We could all use a few drinks."


-------------------------------------
For a more serious article on the Ground Zero mosque, click here.

Also, this great rebuttal on Slate.

Quitting Has Never Been So Much Fun!

In these tough economic times, jobs are hard to come by. But that isn't stopping today's over-extended, stressed-out workers from voluntarily joining the unemployment lines. After all, quitting has never been so much fun!

Take Steven Slater, (former) JetBlue flight attendant. Fed up with facing abusive airline passengers everyday and working long hours in the confines of a flying metal sardine can, he finally did what pretty much every person would dream about doing in his situation. When a passenger bonked him on the head with a suitcase and told him to, "F*ck off," Steven stormed to the intercom, told the passengers to all f*ck themselves, grabbed a couple of beers from the galley, grabbed his personal belongings, opened the emergency door, activated that super-fun-looking inflatable slide, and slid down onto the tarmac. Then he ran to his car, drove home, and engaged in victorious sex with his lover.


How Did He Fit In That Tiny Plane??

Then there's this HPOA:


What's a HPOA?

No, she was not a member of the Hispanic Police Officers Association. She was an assistant at some sort of financial firm. She overheard her boss referring to her as a "HPOA." Apparently scrolling down the list of Google results further than I did, she discovered it meant "Hot Piece Of Ass." That, apparently, was enough for her to send 33 photos to various people in the company, which depict her getting progressively hotter and holding a whiteboard that slowly reveals her boss was a Farmville addict, abusing the company's internet in the interest of expanding his acreage. This was apparently cathartic for her. And has made her a minor internet star. Where she can show off her assets to potential future employers. Like Playboy magazine.

Finally, there's Matt Green, a Brooklyn engineer who decided to take a walk during lunch one day. That walk took him to Rockaway Beach, where he took a dip in the ocean. Then he turned and walked in the other direction. He's been walking for 138 days across the country for "no particular reason."


Nope, Not Him...


...Him

He seems to be having the time of his life:

He is armed with a push cart filled with supplies like rain pants, beef jerky, bear repellant and a plunger, which was given to him by a hardware store owner in New Jersey to ward off stray dogs.

A sign hanging from the front of his cart reads, "We may never meet again."

The 30-year-old Bay Ridge resident quit his civil engineering job and set out with no grand plans of raising money or awareness for a cause. In fact, he made no plans at all to stop at popular attractions.

"I've just been blindly following the route and seeing whatever I see," he said. "It's been more about the journey itself."

Ah, the seductive temptress of the open road: the beauty, the freedom, the plunger-adverse rabid dogs!

Hearing these stories kinda makes you want to quit your job, doesn't it?

Ticklish Rats



Well, it beats running them through mazes.

[NYMAG]

Wait A Minute, What Did He Just Say???

Ernie Anastos of Fox 5 New York may have... er... misspoke...



Yes, you heard correctly. Look at his co-anchor's eyes pop.

Courtesy of NYMAG.

Horrified? Click here for the other video of the week. A bit more heartwarming.

White House Keg Party To Serve Bud Light, Red Stripe, Blue Moon



By President Barack Obama, Guest Blogger

My fellow Americans. I am writing to you today to talk about an important issue in our country, one that too often goes ignored in our society. For too long, our United States have been divided. While Americans in generation after generation did their part to end these divisions, the recent events involving a police officer and African-American professor in Massachusetts have shown that we still have a way to go. My hope is that tomorrow, we can continue to blur the lines that divide us. My hope is that tomorrow, we will all have a chance to enjoy the taste of America freely, and without prejudice. My hope is that tomorrow, we can finally stop fighting about which kind is best: Red Stripe, Blue Moon, Bud Light, or Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade.

Professor Gates enjoys the Jamaican-brewed Red Stripe. Officer Crowley has expressed a preference for the Belgian-style white ale Blue Moon. Personally, I enjoy the simplicity and drinkability of a Bud Light. Mike's Hard Cranberry was Hillary's idea. But that is beside the point. Tomorrow afternoon I'm having a kegger at my place, and we're having beers from all corners of our nation and from throughout the world. Because we're in this together, and no matter what our tastes may be, we can all agree on one thing: Dick Cheney is terrible at beer pong, and I'll totally whip his butt.

The kegger will be held in the White House backyard, and food will be served. Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, potato skins, and Michelle's famous onion dip. Arrive early and stay late. You'll be required to go through security, but I've instructed the secret service to allow the entry of beer bongs, funnels, and those crazy looking beer helmets. Because as long as we get good and crunked, we won't care what beer we're drinking.

Beer pong sign ups start promptly at 6PM. House rules are one re-rack per game, and no bouncing. And absolutely, absolutely no blowing the ball out of the cup if you're a guy. I don't want to remind you again, Schumer.

In an effort to stop Biden from dominating the music again, we've hired the Black Eyed Peas. Gotta love that Boom Boom Pow.

It's been a tense two weeks for all involved in this controversial arrest drama, and we're all looking to unwind. So dress to impress and come on over. Cause this is one party on the hill that's definitely not just for old rich guys.

P.S. Don't tell GWB.

Yankees Reserve Seats For Either Messiah's or Anti-Christ's Arrival



After weeks of fans, bloggers, and the media speculating why the Yankees don't drop ticket prices for their laughably inaccessible "Legends Seats" behind home plate and along the basepaths (look at that medieval moat!), Adam's Life has uncovered the real reason why the team seemingly doesn't want anyone to sit there.

"This place is a cathedral," an anonymous source told us. "And those seats are reserved for whichever army ends up winning the battle between good and evil."

Privately, the source stated that he personally hopes the "good" side wins, and occupies the extra-cushy, prime view seating. But he emphasized the official Yankee position is neutral.

"If the anti-christ wins, we don't want to offend him. He and his minions will certainly have a right to those seats and the privilege of free access to the Legends Club food service," the source said.

Suspicions were raised after New York University seniors were denied access to the seats for their graduation ceremonies.

"Of course it didn't make sense if we were only reserving those seats for big spenders. There wasn't a game that day," the source said. "But we're anticipating the end of days any minute now, and we need to make sure those seats are untarnished by mere mortals."

Initially, Yankees owner and Order of the Sixth Stone member George Steinbrenner was reluctant to put any price on the seats, but was finally convinced that anybody spending that kind of money had to be a god, angel, or demon. "It was a way to earn a few bucks and meet a few of the holy warriors deciding mankind's fate," the source said.

Yankee fans must be patient, the source urged.

"We know how it looks, with all those empty seats," he said. "But once the apocalypse arrives, all of the supernatural forces, weary from battle, will pour in through those turnstiles and make this a full stadium again. Unless of course, its a weekday series versus the Mariners."

Phil Loadofbull, a biblical scholar, says he became concerned about the Yankees franchise dabbling in armageddonology when he learned the outfield turf of the new stadium was not Kentucky bluegrass but rather sod taken directly from Meggido, prophetical site of the final war between God and the Devil.

"I thought it strange at the time but didn't really voice my concerns until I saw what they did to Monument Park," said Loadafbull. The once holy ground of the Yankees was hidden behind a wall and buried beneath a casino-sponsored den of opulence. "I wouldn't be surprised if the Yankees host the final battle themselves. It'll be one hell of a ballgame. And think of how much they'll make on concessions alone. Incidentally, I'm a big fan of their garlic fries."

The source insists there are no plans for Yankee stadium to be the final battleground, only the site of the post-war celebration. "Of course," he said, "if they wanted to battle here, I'm sure we could find a corporate sponsor."

Homeland Security Struggles To Stop New Terrorist Threat



NEW YORK - Early reports suggest that a bird strike was responsible for a plane crash in New York's Hudson River yesterday, leaving government officials scrambling to explain how such a large breach of national security occurred on their watch.

Bird attacks have been increasing in recent years. More than 200 people have been killed worldwide as a result of bird attacks on aircraft since 1988, according to Bird Strike Committee USA, and more than 5,000 bird strikes were reported by the U.S. Air Force in 2007. Five jet airliners have had major accidents involving bird strikes since 1975, and in one case, about three dozen people died.

Even the nation's space program has been hit: During the July 2005 launch of the space shuttle Discovery on mission STS-114, a vulture soaring around the launch pad impacted the shuttle's external tank just after liftoff.

NASA put safety measures into place after the incident, lining the shuttle's fuel tanks with cat fur and placing scarecrows along the launch pad and landing strip.

Officials say the birds tend to attack when aircraft are close to the ground, which means just before landing or after take-off, when jet engines are turning at top speeds and a crash is most likely to cause maximum damage.

Osama Bin Chirps, a 12-pound Canadian goose, claimed responsibility for the most recent attack in a video delivered to reporters at Animal Planet, the terrorists' news outlet of choice.

"You steal our eggs and hunt us down. And you think bread crumbs will satisfy us..." Chirps said on the video, according to a translation done by Bigson "Big" Bird, the government's chief Avian language expert. "Our great migration has begun, except this time, it will be America that flies south for the winter."

Fortunately, the latest attack resulted in no deaths or serious injuries as of this writing. But Homeland Security spokesperson Harvey K. Fakefield told reporters that the government is taking the bird threat seriously.

"We've hardened our aircraft to defend against this new threat," Fakefield said. "Future aircraft will be painted to resemble large, flying cats, in order to make these birds think twice about what they're flying into."

Fakefield said the suicide bird remains from Thursday's attack will be sent to the Smithsonian Institution's Feather Identification Laboratory to identify the species and link it to one of several well known Bin Chirps-affiliated terrorist cells, or "Flocks," operating in the U.S..

The President--for the moment, still George W. Bush--expressed his outrage at the "evil-bird-doers."

"Make no mistake, our resolve is strong. And we will prevail over this flying menace. It's like they say, a bird in the hand, well... it's a lot better than a bird not in your hand."

But Dave Notaman, professor of ornithology at Bodega Bay College in California, says birds are a very dangerous, sophisticated threat, practically impossible to stop.

"You can't just put these guys on a no-fly list," Notaman says. "They'd find some way around it."

According to the Journal of Biodiversity and Conservation, there are between 200 and 400 billion birds worldwide. "We have no choice but to negotiate with a population this large," Notaman says. "Perhaps President Obama can include a free birdseed program in his economy stimulus bill."

President-elect Barack Obama has yet to make his plan for dealing with the bird threat clear, but has indicated in the past that he will take a more diplomatic approach to ending world terror.

Fakefield says that Homeland Security is eager to begin working with the new President to solve the bird terrorist problem.

"This isn't a war we're going to win tomorrow," he said. "Our hope is... what the... aw hell... damn bird just pooped on me."

Just In Case You Weren't Going To Vote Today

This should convince you:

See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die

(thanks Brooke!)

A few last minute things to think about:

Who's more likely to "change Washington?" A 72-year old who's been in the Senate for decades, or a 47-year-old newcomer?

Who's more likely to reverse the past 8 years of bad government? A member of the Republican party that's ruled Washington for the past 8 years? Or a member of the opposition party?

Who's more likely to settle the situation in the middle east in a responsible way? The Republican who once sang in public "Bomb, Bomb Iran?" Or the Democrat who believes diplomacy should at least be tried before sending our troops to war?

Which vice president is more likely to be a good president if their running mate is somehow taken out of office? A former beauty pageant contestant and hockey mom who's never left Alaska? Or an experienced foreign affairs committee leader in the Senate who's been on the shortlist for a Presidential bid for years?

I don't think I need to spell it out for you.

Republicans, don't worry. Democrats will never force women to get abortions. They won't begin training kids to be gay. Democrats won't raise your taxes and then give your tax money to terrorists. Obama will not declare Osama as his Secretary of State. About the only thing that will change is that the economy will rebound and less of our troops will be dying overseas. Remember the Clinton years?

Minus the blowjob, of course.

Remember: 9/11 happened under Republican watch. And don't be fooled. While no terrorist attacks have happened over here in the U.S. since, the amount of terrorist attacks in the world have gone up during 8 Republican years. Are they really making us safer? How many times can you kick a beehive before you get stung? Republicans seem to want to find out.

Ok, ok. I've said all I'm going to say. Go vote. For whoever.

Whoever isn't John McCain.

Bush To Live In Cave Until Election

AP – WASHINGTON – It's no coincidence President Bush has been out of the public's eye in recent days — that's the way the Republican Party wants it. White House press secretary Dana Perino said Monday the incumbent's invisibility is by design — because "the Republican Party wanted to make this election about John McCain."
"The president knows there are people in this country who want change and are looking for something new," Perino said.

"We're realistic about the political environment that we are in," she said. "What keeps him going is knowing that he's done the right thing."

That's why Bush has, in recent days, moved into a cave in an undisclosed location somewhere in the southwestern United States.

"He has all the amenities there that he has at the White House," said Jan Fakebody, a senior Bush staffer. "He's got satellite tv, a personal chef, a king size bed. It's just a bit drafty, that's all."

When asked who is running the country at this tumultuous time, Fakebody replied, "The same person who's been running the country since 2000. Dick Cheaney."

As McCain and Democrat Barack Obama made their final pitches to voters over the weekend, Bush spent time drawing pictures on the cave's walls. "This one's a goat," he said, pointing at a crude stick-figure painted with a yellow highlighter. "I call him Freddie."

He has no public events on Monday or Tuesday, not even an Election Day photo op. Bush has already voted by absentee ballot and plans a small dinner in his cave Tuesday night with two purposes: celebrating his wife's birthday and watching old episodes of the WB cartoon "Animaniacs."

"Pinky and The Brain, now that would be a winning ticket," Bush said, in reference to two of the show's characters.

The White House said Bush is keeping up to date with the financial crisis, two wars and the upcoming transition to a new administration, despite being in a cave. "It's a very well-appointed cave," Fakebody said. "It's got Verizon FIOS."

In early September after Hurricane Gustav, Bush scrapped his planned opening-night speech at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minn., and instead spoke via satellite. But in recent days, Bush has declined to issue any statements using the cave's satellite link-up, preferring instead to record videos himself on a Sony Handicam and passing the videotapes to local shepherds, who then provide them to contacts at major news outlets.

"We expect his new video soon," Fakebody says. "Hopefully it includes fewer shadow puppets than in the first one."

Japanese People Are Weird...

...but they love Obama:



So, yeah... go vote for him.

Courtesy of Clicked.

PLUS: Just in case you think Sarah Palin's qualified for Vice President:



Not sure what the dancing people have to do with anything, but it's pretty funny.

Other Joes Get Cold Shoulder From Political Campaigns



In the election's final month, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain has repeatedly referenced Joe the Plumber in an effort to show voters how Barack Obama's tax policies could hurt the average working man. The tactic is a slight departure from the campaign's previous focus on Joe Six-Pack, mentioned numerous times in the vice presidential debate.

But there is evidence McCain's strategy may be leaving at least one group of prospective voters out in the cold.

"Maybe it's because I'm Jewish, but I haven't gotten much attention from either of the candidates this year," says Joe Schmoe, a former favorite collective pseudonym referred to by politicians.

"I've always been proud to be a part of campaign speeches and debate arguments," Schmoe says. "For whatever reason, it's just not happening this year."

John Doe, long a favorite of the legal community, has noticed a definite trend of politicians moving away from traditional collective pseudonyms towards more specific monikers.

"There's an impression that candidates can make more of an impact by targeting specific groups of voters rather than an American everyman like myself," Doe says.

John Q. Public agrees.

"I thought that movie with Denzel Washington was going to catapult me back into the big time," Public says. "But these days, all politicians want is an occupational name that screams 'lower-middle-class.'"

That bodes well for Joe the Carpenter and Joe the Electrician, both who claim to have an eye on the big time after Joe the Plumber's meteoric rise.

"I've been waiting for the opportunity to be mentioned in a stump speech," Carpenter says. "With the economy as bad as it is, this might be my only chance."

Joe the Electrician has sent emails to the campaigns of both major candidates. "I'm an undecided voter," he says. "If it's anyone that they should be talking about, it's me."

John Q. Public believes we may see more of this kind of thing. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry wants their fifteen minutes, and a desperate candidate seeking to connect with voters might just give it to them."

Tom, Dick and Harry could not be reached for comment.

Other Average Joes are content to sit this election cycle out.

"I'm focusing too much on improving my scores on the SAT," says Joe Bloggs, an average test-taker many students judge their performance against. "If Joe the Plumber wants to expose himself to that kind of scrutiny, then God bless him."

Jane Roe is refusing to vote due to what she believes is a failure by both campaigns to reach out to female placeholder names. "It's always Joe this, Joe that. You'd think Sarah Palin would at least give a shout out to a Jane or a Mary."

Whatever name candidates decide to elevate into the national consciousness in these final days, one thing is certain-- the notoriety is unlikely to last. Joe Six-Pack, for one, knows all too well how quickly fame can slip away.

"One minute you're on top, next minute, they drop you like a dead hooker off the side of a cruise ship," Six-Pack says. "Politics is a cruel game."

Feelin' Frisky At The South Pole

Polar scientists order 16,500 condoms.

Forget Spring Break in Cancun-- let's hit up Antarctica!

How Baseball Can Strike Out The Recession

Four weeks into the 2008 Major League Baseball season, some of the sport's most legendary players are still standing on line at the unemployment office.

That line includes Barry Bonds, holder of baseball's all-time home run record. Sammy Sosa, a member of the 600-club. Kenny Lofton, a ten year veteran who is 15th overall on the career stolen bases list and holder of the record for most post-season steals. And most recently, Frank Thomas, one of the game's best hitters with more than 500 homeruns.

What is going on here?

One word, ladies and gentlemen. A decline in this country's real gross domestic product, or negative real economic growth, for two or more successive quarters of a year.

Actually, that's a lot of words. So let's just call it "Recession."

Like millions of Americans, Barry, Sammy, Kenny and Franky find themselves fighting each other for applications to the local Denny's franchise because America's economy is in a funk. Others might blame their unemployment on criminal investigations, old age and cranky demeanors, but I'm calling it like I see it. In an America drowning under the weight of debt and inflation, even our national pastime isn't immune.

Consider: The Yankees, long one of baseball's biggest "spendy" franchises, went the whole offseason adding only two players to their roster: Morgan Ensberg and LaTroy "Call Me Paul O'Neill" Hawkins, neither of whom cost an arm and a leg.

Consider: The Baltimore Orioles, who began the season first place in the AL East, in one of the country's best ballparks, can't fill their stadium.

Consider: A mere year ago, Jose Canseco's book exposing steroids in baseball, "Juiced" sold over 200,000 copies and hit the New York Times bestseller list for eight weeks. But this year, his book on exactly the same subject, containing no new revelations whatsoever, is languishing on the Barnes and Noble discount rack. Two books about the same exact thing, by the same exact author. But the one released during this particular financial quarter fails.

Coincidence? Or evidence of our country's desperate state of affairs?

Clearly, we need to turn this recession around. And fast. The baseball season only lasts until November, and if Barry, Sammy, Kenny and Franky don't have jobs by then, they'll be forced to give up one of their many luxury automobiles. Or worse... be forced to appear in ads for Viagra:


Yes, I Should Be An Ad Executive

Yet, not one of the Presidential candidates has mentioned the plight of these unemployed baseball heroes. If a guy who hits 762 homeruns can't get a job, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Fortunately, I have a solution. It worked for Barry in the past, and I believe it can work for our nation.

Steroids.

That's right. I said it. We need to juice this nation up with some tasty, preferably racehorse-strength hormones. A nationwide program to inject every man, woman and child with some super-charging serum.

Think about it. Why does the economy fail? Well, I'm not sure, I didn't pay attention in economics class. But I read somewhere it has to do with weak performance. A large company doesn't meet its quotas. A huge construction project doesn't get done on time. A shortage of consumer products creates inflation. Money spent doesn't bring back results. Weak, weak, weak.

With everyone on steroids though, imagine the possibilities. If Barry can hit 70 homeruns in his 40s, then Joe Schmo at the plant can churn out four times as many widgets on the assembly line. Bigger muscles for the masses mean increased spending on new clothes and high-calorie food. No one will care about the price of gas: we'll be able to push our cars to their destinations. Suddenly, with our superhuman workforce, we're producing more than enough products to both fill our needs and trade with the world market. Beat that, China.

And we can cut our spending in Iraq in half: One Super-Soldier can do twice the work a regular one can, meaning we can withdraw thousands of forces and keep winning (cough) the war.

Steroids kept Barry in baseball long past his expiration date. And it can get him back in again. Just as it can get us all back to the muscular heights we once enjoyed in those blissful, Soundgarden-filled days of the 1990's.

My slogan: "Stronger People, Stronger Economy."

Hillary, Obama, John: this plan may just make you a winner. I urge you to consider it.

And if it doesn't work, at least we'll all be ripped.

Guns For Everyone

Should Students Be Able To Carry Guns On Campus?

Armed and Ridiculous
A short play by Adam

Scene: A classroom. Students mulling around, TEACHER prepares, writes some notes on the blackboard.

(bell rings)

TEACHER
Alright class, everyone take your seats.

They don’t respond. MICHAEL faces the teacher.

MICHAEL
Why don’t you take your seat?

TEACHER
Why I…
(is about to scold, thinks better of it)
Quite right, Michael. I must lead by example.
(sits in chair)

MICHAEL
Very good. Gold star for you!

The class laughs.

TEACHER
Well, if it’s okay with all of you… I’d like to begin class.

WILLIAM
Go ahead.
(sits at desk)

TEACHER
Good. Well, where were we? I believe we were on chapter six in your textbooks. Polynomials.

BRIDGET
Can we skip that?

SCOTT
Yeah I don’t want to do that.

MICHAEL
Me neither.

TEACHER
(laughs nervously)Who needs Polynomials anyway?
(tosses lesson plan aside)
Perhaps chapter seven? Combining complex equations?

MARY
Let’s watch a movie!

SCOTT
Night of the Living Dead!

BRIDGET
We watched that last week, Scott.

SCOTT
So?

BRIDGET
It’s a stupid movie.

SCOTT
You’re stupid, Bridget.

BRIDGET
Oh yeah?

They simultaneously reach down towards their sides. Teacher quickly stands up.

TEACHER
(tense)
Okay! Okay, everybody, settle down, settle down. There’s no need for that. Scott, I think Night of the Living Dead is an excellent, excellent film. But perhaps you’d be gracious enough to let one of your classmates suggest an alternative today?

SCOTT
(glaring at Bridget, removes hand from side)
I guess.

TEACHER
Good. Bridget?

BRIDGET
Legally Blonde.

SCOTT
I’d rather be shot in the head.

BRIDGET
Be careful what you wish for.

TEACHER
(nervous)Okay, okay. None of that talk. Nobody’s shooting anybody. Not today, no sir. How about this. Today, Legally Blonde, tomorrow, Enter the Dragon.

MICHAEL
Cool.

SCOTT
Fine by me.

BRIDGET
Okay.

Rest of class assents.

TEACHER
See what happens when we negotiate with words? Everyone can get along.

A gunshot is heard. Everyone takes out their guns. Teacher is terrified.

TEACHER
Class, please, calm down, probably just an accidental discharge, happens all the time.

MICHAEL
(moving towards stage right, the door)I’ll take point, Mary, you cover me.

MARY
You got it.

SCOTT
I’ll set up a flanking maneuver.

BRIDGET
Ooh! I finally get to use my new pink pistol!

TEACHER
Class, please, everyone, stay where you are!

More gunshots are heard.

MICHAEL
(points out a few of his classmates)
You, you and you. I want standard triangle assault formation. We engage on my count.

THREE STUDENTS
Got it. Sure. No problem.

TEACHER
Everybody. The police will handle this!

MICHAEL
(approaches stage right, the door, grabs handle)
Ready?

Michael's assault team nods.

MICHAEL
Go! Go!

Michael leads Mary, Scott, Bridget, and the three other students off stage right, out the door. More gunshots are heard.

TEACHER
(runs over, closes door, turns to face class)
Please, everybody, put the guns away. We’ll be safe in here.

STUDENT #1
Like those kids at Columbine?

STUDENT #2
Or those kids at Virginia Tech?

TEACHER
Those were two, isolated incidents. And the vast majority stayed safe by simply staying put.

STUDENT #3
My Dad says people who stay put are easy targets.

STUDENT #4
My brother said if you’re going to die, you might as well die fighting.

TEACHER
No one is going to die! It’s probably just… a car backfiring. Or a stack of books got knocked down. No one is going to die!

More gunshots. Suddenly, STUDENT #5 shoots STUDENT #1. He falls to the floor. Other students turn towards him.

STUDENT #5
I… I… didn’t mean to… I was nervous… My finger slipped.

TEACHER
Everybody… everybody.. it was just an accident…

The students fire in unison, killing Student #5. Teacher throws up his arms.

STUDENT #6
(turns angrily at student #4)
Ow! You shot me!

STUDENT #4
Did not, it was him!
(points at another student)

TEACHER
Please! The police will be here any minute and they’ll sort this out.

STUDENT #3
What if the school shooter isn’t out there… what if he’s in here?

TEACHER
That doesn’t make any sense.

STUDENT #4
Sure it does. Don’t you see? There’s two of them. Like Harris and Klebold. One of them is out there, shooting the people in the hall. And that guy over there is the other one, pretending to be one of us.

STUDENT #7
It wasn’t me! My gun isn’t even loaded.
My mom won’t let me buy any bullets.

The class laughs at him. He puts his head down, ashamed.

STUDENT #4
If he didn’t shoot him, then who did?

The students all train their guns on one another, eyeing each other suspiciously.

TEACHER
No one shot anyone. It’s all just a big misunderstanding.
The police will be here soon. I think I even hear the sirens.

The class strains to hear. The teacher covers his mouth, desperately tries to make a siren sound.

STUDENT #4
Enough of this. There’s only one way to find out who the shooter is.

STUDENT #3
How?

STUDENT #4
We all close our eyes, and fire. God will guide the bullets towards the killer.

STUDENT #7
Of course! God!

STUDENT #3
God!

STUDENT #6
(dying)
God...

TEACHER
Oh God… Please, don’t do this.

The class closes their eyes.

STUDENT #4
On my count. Five…

TEACHER
(gets down to the floor)
God help us!

STUDENT #4
Four… Three…

The door opens, everyone opens their eyes. BRIDGET limps in, holding her pink gun. Her leg is bleeding.

TEACHER
Bridget, are you alright? What happened out there?

BRIDGET
Oh, it was terrible. There was blood and guts everywhere.
It was like… Night of the Living Dead.

STUDENT #3
Did you get the shooter?

BRIDGET
There was no shooter. Just a car backfiring in the driveway outside. But Michael thought someone was shooting at us, so he shot at the car. And then the man in the car shot back. And then Mary went down. Some kids from the other class thought we were attacking the school, so they started shooting at us. Timmy, Jimmy and Kimmy all went down. And then Scott got mad at William because he started the whole thing, so he shot William. And then I shot Scott.

TEACHER
Why’d you shoot Scott?

BRIDGET
Well… everyone was shooting.

STUDENT #3
So there never was no school shooter?

TEACHER
(attempts to correct him)
“Never was any…”
(Student points gun at teacher, he zips his lips)

BRIDGET
No, I guess not.

STUDENT #4
No shooter out there. But somebody shot our friend. Someone in here.

STUDENT #6
I’m… dying…Please, someone…call a hospital.

STUDENT #4
We’re kind of in the middle of something.
(Student #6 dies)
Now where were we?

STUDENT #2
At three.

STUDENT #4
Right. Ready?

Teacher crawls behind desk.

TEACHER
Just like last semester…

STUDENT #4
Three… two… one…

The stage lights die as a fusillade of bullets and screams are heard.

Bringing Up Baby


Luckily Maria and Tony Never Had Kids. Unluckily, Tony Died.

Child-rearing decisions can be difficult, especially in mixed marriages. Do you raise your baby Jewish or Epicopalian? Teach your tot republican or democratic values? Buy him or her a Red Sox or Yankees one-sie? Two young parents living in Commerce City, Colorado were faced with a similar dilemma.

Was their baby a Crip? Or a Westside Baller?


I'm a Blood, foo'

The mother is a member of the Crips. And the father belongs to the Westside Ballers gang. A real-life West Side Story. Except with considerably less dancing.


To Join This Gang You Need Seven Years Of Ballet And Two Of Jazz Tap.

The two got into a very public argument in a Hollywood Video store. Police arrived on the scene and arrested the father for disorderly conduct. "They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" said Commerce City Police Sgt. Joe Sandoval.

I, for one, hope that the parents are able to put their differences aside and do what's best for their child. Which is, obviously, to induct him into whatever gang this guy belongs to:


Because, Don't You Want To Be On His Good Side?

No word yet from the couple's four-year-old about which gang he'll end up pledging his allegiance to. There are two factors he's considering before making his decision. First, how many of the other gang's members he'll have to cap before earning his colors, and secondly, which gang Cassie the dragon from Dragon Tales belongs to.


She's Actually One Of The Southside Scissors

Whatever he decides, this is likely not the last time he'll be forced to choose between the conflicting views of his two parents. For instance, Mom likes Pepsi, Dad prefers Coke. Which caramel-colored soft drink will he prefer? Or will he rebel and go a different way, staking out his own territory in this crazy mixed up world?

Perhaps he'll choose RC Cola.

Until next time, my Eastside Bagelz brothers, peace out.