Jewish Fantasy Baseball 2012: The Promised Land, Finally?

The Sluggin' Semites are back for 2012, new, improved, more Jewish than ever!

The year 2011 was a rough one for the chosen team, my annual squad of Jewish major leaguers. While Ryan Braun won the MVP award, Ian Kinsler reached career highs in home runs and steals, and Sam Fuld entered the national consciousness with a stunning (and running) start to the season, injuries and ineffectiveness took their toll. Bear Jew Kevin Youkilis went down with back and hip injuries and a sports hernia. We lost Ike Davis to an ankle injury. Rookie Jason Kipnis blazed through 18 games, but strained his hamstring and didn't come back strong. Danny Valencia didn't produce like he did the year before. Ryan Zimmerman was out for extended periods with a torn abdominal and a strained hamstring and... well, the list goes on.

Despite all that, the 2011 Jew Crew finished in 6th place out of 12 teams, and earned a playoff berth for the first time. The team was aided by honorary Jews Derek Jeter, Mat Latos, Michael Pineda, Matt Garza and Yovanni Gallardo (I had to fill out my pitching staff somehow).

This year, I joined a CBS Fantasy Baseball league, "Omens of the Apocalypse." A solid draft landed me nearly everyone I wanted. The one player that didn't make it, however, leaves a gaping hole in my lineup I'm unsure how to fill:

C		Montero, Jesus (C) SEA	Well, Jesus was a Jew. Maybe not Jesus Montero. He keeps the seat warm for real Jew Ryan Lavarnway, Boston's rising minor leaguer.
1B		Berkman, Lance (1B,OF) STL	Not a Jew, but a longtime Homerin' Hebrews member, for his Jewish last name.
2B		Kinsler, Ian (2B) TEX	Love this nugget from Kinsler's wikipedia page: "Youkilis will always say something to me on the bases. 'Happy Passover,' he'll throw something at me."
3B		Youkilis, Kevin (3B) BOS	The clear Rebbe of this squad, Youk has been a staple since the early days of Jewish Fantasy Baseball. Can he have a comeback year?
SS		Lemmerman, Jake (SS) LAD	I wanted Derek Jeter. I missed him by 3 picks. Now I have Jake Lemmerman. Jake cuts the challah, but its doubtful he'll make the Dodgers' major league roster out of camp. He's blocked by Dee Gordon, whom I may pick up, simply to have some stats here. I never thought I'd pine for the days David Eckstein was SS-eligible.
OF		Braun, Ryan (OF) MIL	I never believed for a second that Ryan was doping. Good Jewish boys don't do that sort of stuff. His high testosterone levels were clearly due to him being a mensch.
OF		DeJesus, David (OF) CHC	See Montero, Jesus. Keeping the seat warm for outfield possibilities Ryan Kalish or Nate Schierholtz. Where's Gabe Kapler when you need him?
OF		Schafer, Jordan (OF) HOU	Is Schafer Jewish? Well, an unverified source says he is. I'll take their word until Sam Fuld regains a starting spot.
U		Zimmerman, Ryan (3B) WAS	A Jew in name only (JINO), but a longtime Jew crew member. If he stays healthy, can have a monster year.
Bench		Davis, Ike (1B) NYM	Ike, the Matzo Ball Met, is Jewish and getting better every year. Could take over the first base or utility slot of the Sluggin' Semites early on if he proves to be all the way back from injury.
Bench		Kipnis, Jason (2B) CLE	The Jewish Baseball News has disowned Kipnis, much like Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof tore his clothes when Chava married the Russian guy. But Jason's dad was Jewish, making him eligible to go on Birthright. So he's okay in my book.
Bench		Valencia, Danny (3B) MIN	Please, Minnesota. Move Danny to shortstop. I've got too many third basemen. But Danny is a Star of David on the rise.
Bench		Fuld, Sam (OF) TB	Fuld nearly returned humanity to the blissful peace of the Garden of Eden last year, before a rough second half brought everyone back to the real world. If he breaks out again, there's a spot for him in the Major League Jews lineup.

Pitchers
SP		Buchholz, Clay (SP) BOS	Not a Jew. But Buchholz sounds vaguely Jewish. Call his inclusion "Zimmermania."
SP		Scherzer, Max (SP) DET	Ditto. The strikeout JINO had looked spectacular in camp.
SP		Shields, James (SP) TB	Shields is an all-star pitcher. He's not Jewish, but he deserves a spot because of the antisemitism he's had to deal with.
SP		Strasburg, Stephen (SP) WAS	Despite the name, probably not a Jew, as this site divines. But I'm going to keep believing as long as the strikeouts keep coming.
SP		Zimmermann, Jordan (SP) WAS	The first thing that comes up when you Google, "Jordan Zimmermann" Jewish, is this blog, and I am definitely not a reliable source. May be another case of Zimmermania, but I'll allow it.
RP		Nathan, Joe (RP) TEX	The guy's name is Joe Nathan. He's got to be Jewish.According to the Oxford University Press, "[The name Nathan is] from the Biblical Hebrew personal name Natan ‘given’ (i.e. by God). As a modern surname it is most frequently Jewish. Also, I need saves.
RP		Putz, J.J. (RP) ARI	Such a putz. Arizona's closer, and necessary comic relief for the Kaddish Kids.
Bench		Wolf, Randy (SP) MIL	Wolf, a JINO, gets this spot by virtue of his guaranteed rotation spot for Milwaukee and decent strikeout rate. However, if Jason Marquis, real Jew, makes the Minnesota starting five, then I'll be forced to make a switch.

Can this team kick some "tuchis" this year and win a playoff game? Are they destined for more? We may need to juice these guys up with Jewish penicillin (and pray a Jewish shortstop drops from the sky), but I'm confident this biblical bunch can do our people proud.

The Legend of Sam Fuld Continues...

This note, on Yahoo! today:

Apr 26 OF Sam Fuld, already one of the biggest surprises in the majors, got a surprise of his own Tuesday, as he was included on the All-Star ballot. The Rays were able to add Fuld and shift Johnny Damon to the DH position after the April 8 retirement of Manny Ramirez.

Let's get voting, people! Sam Fuld! Sam Fuld! Sam Fuld! You can vote up to 25 times.

(You can All-Star vote for superjews Ike Davis, Kevin Youkilis, Ian Kinsler, and Ryan Braun too.)

Going into Week 4 of the season, the Major League Jews are in 5th place at 11-9, 2 games back from the leader. Recent additions to the squad include Padres ace Mat Latos, Cubs K-artist Matt Garza, and Marlins lead-off man Chris Coghlan. Not a bar mitzvah in the bunch, but a guy's gotta fill a roster somehow.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: 2011 Season

It's that time of year again, when good Jewish boys throw on baseball caps and batting helmets over their keepahs and take the field, proving to the goyim that a shnozz and penchant for kvetching doesn't mean the chosen people can't dominate America's pastime.

And that means it's time for another season of Jewish Fantasy Baseball.

I've had my successes over the years, drafting solely Jewish, or Jewish-sounding players. But last year, the Homering Hebrews didn't fare so well. Ian Kinsler was injured for much of the year. So was Kevin Youkilis. Ryan Braun had a solid, but unspectacular season. The emergence of young, only recently Bar Mitzvahed rookies, Ike Davis and Danny Valencia, helped the chosen team, but it wasn't pretty.

This year, I ran into a bit of a problem setting up my Slugging Semites squad. I've always used MLB.com, because it only required choosing a pitching staff, not individual pitchers, and because I could work the autodraft to maximize the possibility of getting all the Jewish players I required.

I'm not sure why, but MLB.com has redone their fantasy baseball site, and its ridiculously difficult to use. I found it impossible to prerank players. After several attempts, I gave up.

So I've drafted a team on Yahoo!. Doing so presented new difficulties. I'd have to fill out a whole pitching staff, using limited Jewish starters. I'd have to fill two utility player spots. Yahoo uses daily lineup changes, not weekly ones. And the way Yahoo!'s head-to-head system works, it would be difficult/impossible to pull out a win. If I stuck to my old methodology, I'd have empty roster spots and wouldn't be able to compete.

So this year, I've taken a different approach.

1. I've drafted only Jewish players (and Jewish-sounding players). I had to make a trade to nab Kevin Youkilis.

2. I will not drop any active Jewish players during the course of the season, unless it's to add a better performing Jewish player.

3. Now, here's the big change: Otherwise unfilled roster spots can be filled by non-Jewish players available on the waiver wire. Much like the brave resistance fighters who helped the Jews during the Holocaust, these players will assist the Jew Crew on their quest to win a championship.

Here's the team I came away with:

Here's the rundown:

C- Russell Martin. Not Jewish. But he's played his ball in LA and NY, so he's had experience in our world. Unfortunately, with the retirement of Brad Ausmus, there are no Jewish catchers in the bigs.

1B- Adam Lind. Probably not Jewish. But the name certainly fits the bill. He had a down year last year, but is more than capable of topping 30 HRs.

2B- Ian Kinsler. When healthy, one of the most feared Jewish hitters in the major leagues. Unfortunately, he's been a bit too much like a glass under the chuppah on a Jewish wedding day.

3B- Ryan Zimmerman. Not a Jew, but a Chosen Team veteran with 30 HR power.

SS- Derek Jeter. What to do, what to do? I've offered 500 shekels for a Jewish shortstop, but until Jake Lemmerman comes along, I got nobody. Even David Eckstein, Jew-in-name-only (JINO) has retired. So I'm gonna use this unverified google find to justify the captain, number 2, as the Gefilte Grand Slams starting shortstop.

OF- Ryan Braun. Jewish, and a multiple Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Year award winner, this guy is the guy that lights this team's shabbos candles. I picked him up for my very first Jewish Fantasy Baseball squad way back in 2007. He's been a winner ever since.

OF - Travis Snider. Probably not Jewish. But Snider sounds close. He's a young guy with oodles of potential. Yes, I said oodles. A 20 HR season isn't out of reach.

OF- Sam Fuld. Jewish... and, this just in: Manny Ramirez has retired. And that paves the way for Fuld to cement a job in the Tampa Bay lineup. He's started off the season strong, leading off and stealing 4 bases. Can he hold off highly touted prospect Desmond Jennings? If he keeps up what he's doing, we might see a Florida baseball team host a Jewish Heritage Day for a player who's actually Jewish.

UTIL- Kevin Youkilis. Jewish, and can play both 1B and 3B in a pinch. Oy, I haven't seen versatility like that since Lainie Kazan played Greek.

UTIL- Ike Davis. Jewish. Ike broke out for the Mets last year, surprising them with a new found power stroke. Just like Moses surprised the Egyptians with that whole parting the Red Sea thing.

BN- Danny Valencia. Jewish, manning the hot corner for Minnesota this year. Yes, Jewish even with that name.

BN- Lance Berkman. Not Jewish. But Lance has been to the hora many times before, as an original team member. He's getting older-- can he thrive playing right field?

SP-Max Scherzer. Probably not Jewish. But this team's Ks have to come from somewhere.

SP-Clay Buchholz. Also probably not Jewish. But Theo Epstein, GM of the Red Sox is!

RP-J.J. Putz. Do I really have to explain this one?

RP-Craig Breslow. Jewish. Hoping he can steal some saves.

BN-Jordan Zimmermann. Probably not Jewish. But I think the extra "N' at the end of Zimmermann stands for "never one to miss a simcha."

BN-Randy Wolf. Not Jewish. But Lazar Wolf was.

BN-Jesse Litsch. Probably not Jewish. But I know a kid named Jeremy Lisch who is. Started off the season strong.

BN-Jason Marquis. Jewish. I'm hoping the Nationals give him plenty of run support.

BN-Scott Feldman. Jewish. On the DL to start the year, and I'm hoping he can bring that ERA and WHIP down from last season.

BN-Anibal Sanchez. Jewish. No, just kidding. But I need Ks, and this guy can get them.

DL-Stephen Strasburg. Not Jewish. But if he comes back at any point this year, he could be almost as big a hero to the Jews as King David.

Will I win my league? My offense is pretty good. Pitching... well, hopefully Scott Schoeneweis will be converted to a starter and suddenly become incredibly good. It's gonna come down to one thing. A little help from the man upstairs. Not Jesus.

If anything though, putting together this team has made me proud that despite my religion's un-athletic reputation, we've got quite a few "Braun-y" boys making themselves known throughout baseball.

Let's play ball!

Major League Jew Attempts A Comeback

Jewish ballplayer, and former New York Met David Newhan is attempting a comeback after a scary neck injury.

Mazel Tov, David! I could use a few more Jewish utility men on this year's Major League Jews fantasy team (coming soon).

One Reason Not To Buy The Droid

I'm an iPhone guy. Even though my new iPhone 4 drops calls like Braylon Edwards drops passes, it wins out in design, features, apps, and ease of use. I've had an ongoing, friendly debate with my cousin about which phone is better, the Droid or the iPhone, and I have to admit, he makes some valid points.

But one criticism of Apple, its tight control over the Apps in its App Store, could also be one of its selling points. After all, there's no danger of typing "Jewish" into the App Store search, and getting a result like this:


Heil Droid?

As Joshua Topolsky writes on Engadget:

No one is going to tell you that you can't install a Nazi theme on your phone, but we're pretty sure that Google shouldn't make it so easy, and it shouldn't subject a large portion of its users to content that rightfully deserves to sit on the fringes, not in the center.

So don't buy the Droid, people. Google may not be profiting off this Hitler App, but they're providing a tool that helps the despicable people who would develop and purchase such an awful thing.

Wait A Minute, Is That A Shofar At The World Cup??



So I click on an article about the vuvuzela, the South African plastic trumpet that makes that beehive noise you hear on TV during the World Cup matches. And in the photo on CNN, what do I see?


Tekkiah!!!!

Either this guy's an African Jew, or he thought the shofar was just a fancy vuvuzela.

Which it kind of is.

These Girls Have Totally Stolen My Shtick!



Hey! I thought of an all-Jew fantasy baseball team first!!! But yeah, I'm not a hot chick, so while they go viral and land on Deadspin, I get one visit from a random internet surfer looking up "my little pony baggy pants porn." I mean, these chicks aren't even digging deeper than Jason Marquis. Come on!

After a flurry of trades, I'm one Jewish-sounding player away from having a full team. Unfortunately, the owner of that last player appears to be asleep at the wheel, as he's ignored my insanely generous one-sided offers.

Maybe he's an anti-Semite.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: This Year, A Championship

There's an article in today's New York Times, about Hank Greenberg, superjew baseball hero, and his quest to break Babe Ruth's single season home run record. I'm not sure that I agree with Howard Megdal (author of The Baseball Talmud) that inflated walk rates towards the end of the season PROVE that anti-Semites kept Greenberg from breaking the record, but it does show that it was at least a possibility.

Antisemitism can rear its ugly head anywhere, even in America's pastime. And with that in mind, I'm putting together the Fourth Annual Jewish Fantasy Baseball Team.

My Longtime reader(s) may recall my previous Jewish Fantasy Baseball squads. Since my first Jew Crew, I've seen stars like Ryan Braun, Ian Kinsler, and Kevin Youkilis, all with Jewish heritage in their blood, take center stage in the Major Leagues (and rise up Fantasy draft boards everywhere). I've also seen non-Jewish players with Jewish names, like Ryan Zimmerman, develop into phenomenal players--Coincidence? Or something more?

I'm in the process of assembling the team now. It's a bit harder than usual. Now that most of the mensches are high-round draft picks, I won't luck into getting all of them through the draft. I'm in the process of negotiating several lopsided trades to help everyone I need make aliyah to the Promised Team.

Here's some new Gefilte fans I have my eye on:

Adam Lind, OF/DH, Toronto Blue Jays. I don't know that he's Jewish. But the name fits. This forum includes him with no debate. Then there's this. And his name totally appears on this Reform Judaism website (though not likely the same person.) I'm callin' it like I see it.

Willie Bloomquist, 2B/SS, Kansas City Royals. Willie probably isn't Jewish. But since David Eckstein, the only Jewish (in name only) is only eligible at 2B this year, I need someone to fill the shortstop position. Maxx Tissenbaum is several years away, I'd say, and so is Alex Silver. And I don't know what happened to Jake Wild. If only Ryan Braun, who once played shortstop, had stayed at the position!

Josh Whitesell, 1B, Washington Nationals. A Jew! For realsies! He debuted with Arizona last season after a terrific minors campaign, but now he's on the Nationals, and buried on the depth chart behind Adam Dunn. Will he get another chance to smash a matzo ball out of the park?

Four years ago, I vowed not to finish in last place. This year, I'm setting my sights higher. Nothing less than a championship.

Hey, they once said Israel couldn't defeat the combined armies of Syria, Jordan and Egypt. How did that work out?

Stay tuned for more Jewish Fantasy Baseball team updates. Because as Hank Greenberg said, "Every time a Jew hits a home run, he hits a home run against Hitler."

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Season Shalosh: Final Stretch Update



UPDATE: My Jewish Fantasy Baseball team has gotten some press. Appropriately, Jewish press.

We're heading into the final month of the fantasy baseball season next week, so I'd like to give an update on how this year's Davids of the Diamond have performed. The first year I made an all-Jewish fantasy baseball team, we won 3 games. The next year, we won 8. Will the 2009 Chosen Team improve upon that?

With four weeks to go, it's still possible. The Major League Jews are 6 - 14, good enough for 5th place in the six-team West division of MLB.com league 40701. I admit, I haven't followed as closely as in past years. The team actually started off 3 - 1, but nosedived quickly.. due to me leaving red-hot Jordan Schafer on the bench while Elijah Dukes put up weeks of zeros. Khalil Greene didn't help either. If only I had gone with Schafer/Schierholtz and Eckstein when I left the team on autopilot.

But a big victory last week, 160 - 137, ironically, over a team called "Mount Zion," keeps hope alive for a third straight year of improvement.

This season's biggest Jewish stars:

Ryan Braun: With a .313 average, 26 homers, 12 stolen bases and 89 RBIs, Brauny is punishing baseballs like Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds punishes nazis.

Ryan Zimmerman: He may not be Jewish, but he'd be welcome for any minyan with the way he's been hitting. A .301 average, 26 homers, and 85 RBIs shows that Hashem's written this guy in the book of life for a very good year.

Ian Kinsler: With 26 homeruns and 24 stolen bases, this mench is looking forward to a possible 30-30 season. Could a 40-40 season be in his future? There hasn't been one of those by a Jewish guy since Noah.

(yes, that was an attempted flood joke)

Kevin Youkilis: With a beard Morris Katz would no doubt enjoy painting, the Red Sox third baseman has been playing first for the Jew Crew, and contributing 22 homeruns to go along with a .307 average.

Brad Ausmus: He's tallied only 79 at bats this season as Russel Martin's backup, but from the way Martin has played (.258 4 HR), Ausmus should have been called up to the bemah more. Awesome Ausmus has been batting .304, with 1 HR on the year, and as the only Jewish catcher in the major leagues, that's not too shabby.

This week, the Kee-pa Kids take on the Chicago White Flames, who are 9 - 11 and led by vaguely Jewish-sounding Troy Tulowitzki. Be sure to wish them Mazel Tov.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Season Shalosh (3)

Just in time for Passover, the 2009 baseball season is underway. And you know what that means. Another season of Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball.

For those of you unfamiliar with Jewish Fantasy Baseball, it's played just like normal fantasy baseball. Except my lineup consists of only Jewish Major League Baseball players.

Well, almost.

When I started this two years ago, there were just not enough Jewish players to fill out an infield, much less an entire roster. And there certainly weren't enough starting Jewish ballplayers to make my team competitive. So I allowed for players with Jewish-sounding names. And players who had been mistaken for Jews by various members of the press. And players who simply had the same names of biblical Jewish heroes: like Moises Alou and Elijah Dukes.

Since then, I'm proud to say, some actual Jewish ballplayers have stormed onto the major league scene. Ryan Braun won NL Rookie of the Year. Guys I was previously able to pick up in the late rounds of a fantasy draft, Ian Kinsler and Kevin Youkilis, are being taken in the first two rounds. This year, Ryan Spilborghs earned a starting spot with the Colorado Rockies. And though I'm not sure if he's Jewish or not, Atlanta Braves phenom Jordan Schafer made his MLB debut with a home run in his first at bat.

So does this year's team have a shot to win MLB.com League MLB-40701??



Here's the lineup:

C- Brian Schneider, Mets

Brian is not Jewish. But catcher is a thin position already in fantasy baseball, and with real Jew Brad Ausmus assigned a backup role with the Los Angeles Dodgers, I have no choice but to go with the most Jewishy-sounding starting catcher. Hey, he's in New York. We're all a little Jewish here.

1B- Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox

A long-time Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball star, the Youk showed off some power last year, smacking 29 dingers and sustaining a .312 average. He's the real deal, both on the field and in the synagogue.

2B- Ian Kinsler, Rangers

Only Kinsler's dad is Jewish, but while the Orthodox may not accept him, the Adam's Life Jewish Fantasy Baseball team welcomes him with open arms and an honorary tallis.

3B- Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals

If you type "Ryan Zimmerman," "Jewish" into Google, the first result that comes up is this very blog. The next three results? All say that Ryan Zimmerman isn't Jewish. But I believe Ryan is smart enough to know he has a better chance winning on my team than with the Nationals. So put on a keepa, Ryan. You're our honorary Hebrew at the hot corner.

SS- Khalil Greene, Cardinals

Greene isn't Jewish. But he is a member of the Baha’i faith, the only member of that faith in Major League Baseball. Baha'i was founded in Iran in the 1800s and states that all of the prophets from Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism were given the same message and should be united. So he does sort of believe in Judaism. Sort of. Kind of. Ok. You really want to stick me with David Eckstein again?

OF- Jordan Schafer, Braves

Honestly, I have no idea if Schafer likes gefilte fish or not. What I do know is that he's a 15 HR, 15 steal possibility this year, with potential for more. And with a name like his, there's got to be a bar mitzvah boy somewhere in his family tree.

OF- Ryan Spilborghs, Rockies

Ryan came to my attention last season when I read a Wikipedia entry identifying him as Jewish. And several websites refer to him as such. So I'm going to stick with him as my center fielder.

OF- Ryan Braun, Brewers

Phew. After explaining away my first two outfielders, I'm happy to introduce Ryan Braun, who definitely knows what a Kiddush cup is. Braun batters baseballs like the ten plagues battered the Egyptians.

UTIL- Mike Jacobs, Royals

No word on whether the Kansas City Royals have a Jewish Heritage Day at their ballpark, but if they did, they'd probably honor Jacobs, who is not Jewish, but was honored as a Jew by both the Mets and Marlins, his former employers.

Pitching Staff- The Arizona Diamondbacks

The Diamondbacks feature lefty reliever Scott Schoenweis, who's definitely Jewish, and Max Scherzer, who might be, maybe.

Bench- C Brad Ausmus (Jewish), 2B/SS David Eckstein (Not Jewish, despite the name), OF Gabe Kapler (Yes), 3B Geoff Blum (No), OF Elijah Dukes (Definitely No), and 1B Casey Kotchman (Nope).

Free Agents: Chris Getz, 2B, White Sox, Nate Schierholtz, OF, Giants. I've got my eye on these two future stars, who may in fact be Jewish.

All in all, a solid fantasy team. Are they champions? Maybe not... but they also said that about Moses and his band of Jewish slaves.

How'd that work out for the Egyptians?

Jewish Fantasy Baseball-- Season Wrap-Up



Like Moses parting the Red Sea, this season of Jewish Fantasy Baseball was a miracle.

If you recall, we last left the chosen team in a dead heat for first place in the division, with a 4-4 record. Last year's team managed to win only three games, despite the breakout of star(of David) Ryan Braun, so I already considered this year to be a success at that point. Little did I know that this little band of mashin' maccabees weren't done yet.

They went on to win four more games, bringing their final record to 8-9... good enough to tie for first place in the division. Unfortunately, due to the tiebreaking procedure that awards the playoff spot to the team with more total points, the Jew Crew missed out on the post-season. By 46 points.

That's right. 46 points! That's nothing. That's a good week for Ryan Braun. I blame myself... with my trip to Israel, I stopped following the team for a couple of weeks. When Ryan Spilborghs hit the DL, I wasn't there to replace him with Gabe Kapler, Gabe Gross, or David Newhan. Between these three Jewish superstars, I probably could have cobbled together those necessary points.

But I digress. People, a.k.a. Nazis, said that a Jewish Fantasy Baseball team couldn't compete in this wild world of fantasy sports. This team proved that they could.

Braun showed little slowdown from last year's performance, Kevin Youkilis is on pace to better last year's point total, and bit players like Kapler, Geoff Blum and Spilborghs all contributed bigtime during stretches of the season.

This season also saw the breakout of a new star(of David) in the baseball world. Texas Rangers second baseman Ian Kinsler. Although he may be done for the year due to a sports hernia, he led the Hebrew Heroes with 536 total points, second only to Jew-In-Name-Only Lance Berkman. While I thank the Berk for his valuable contribution to the team, there's no denying that Kinsler was the chicken soup that kept the whole matzoh ball afloat.

His numbers on the year: A very Mensch-like .319 AVG, 18 HRs, 102 runs, 71 RBI, and 26 SB.

Kinsler, like the Dead Sea, wouldn't let this team drown. And he is this season's Adam's Life Sluggin Semite of the Year:



Congrats!

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Sophmore Season



Hello my Hebrew baseball fans! And welcome to another year of Jewish Fantasy Baseball.

We get the season rolling late this year, due to the challenge of assembling all the necessary Jews on one auto-picked MLB.com fantasy roster. It's taken 5 tries, and I still don't have a satisfactory result.

Attempts to get last year's honorary Jew, third baseman Ryan Zimmerman, on the roster met with failure. Last year, I was able to get third baseman Ryan Braun in the last round of my draft, because no one else had heard of the then minor-league prospect. This year, I had to spend a first round pick on him. And apparently, MLB.com decided that once I already had Braun as my third baseman, I didn't need to select Zimmerman. Oh well. He wasn't a real member of the tribe anyway.

And, sadly, Kevin Mench is in the minors, depriving my team of much needed Mensch-power.

Here's this year's roster:

C- Brad Ausmus

Last year, the light-hitting hebrew Ausmus actually snagged an Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week award, and finished the season rated higher than highly-touted fantasy "expert" sleeper picks Jeff Mathis and Chris Ianetta. Unfortunately, this year, he loses his starting job to J.R. Towles, who I'm pretty sure believes in Jesus. Let's hope "Awesome Ausmus" finds some way to get some playing time this year and is able to recapture some of that "Maccabee Magic."

1B- Mike Jacobs

Jacobs is not a Jew. But that hasn't stopped the New York Mets and Florida Marlins from honoring him on Jewish Heritage Day. So it won't stop me from featuring Jacobs as the MLJ's first baseman. Last year, he batted .265, with 17 HR, 57 R, 54 RBI, and 1 SB. He's already started this season hotter than a potato latke in a frying pan: .298 with 5 homeruns and 10 RBI.

2B- Ian Kinsler

Kinsler knows how to hit a homerun and steal a base-- he had at least 20 of each last year. But did you know he also knows the difference between a knish and kishka? While his mother isn't Jewish, Kinsler's father is, and Ian has no problem with being identified as such. That's good enough for me. The leadoff hitter and second baseman for the Texas Rangers is one of the top batters at his position.

3B- Kevin Youkilis

Youkilis may be known by his nickname "The Greek," but to his grandma, he still "my little bubbelah." Youkilis had 85 runs and 83 RBIs last year, to go with a .288 average. Batting in the heart of that power-packed Boston lineup, he'll undoubtedly be fed many matzo-balls from opposing pitchers. He'll definitely win more than a few Sluggin' Semite awards before the year is out.

SS- David Eckstein

Now, the Eck will probably NOT win any Sluggin' Semite awards. But he is the only starting shortstop in the majors with a Jewish name. And what a Jewish name it is. As I mentioned last year, Eckstein was once named to the Jewish All-American team, despite not keeping a mezzuzah on his doorpost. For our purposes, we're giving him a mikva.

OF- Ryan Braun

The reigning National League Rookie-of-the-Year burst onto the major league scene last year like a burning bush, out-homering every player in the league not named A-Rod, after his call up from the minors. He also inspired Jewish little leaguers everywhere... even though it turned out he's only half Jewish. This year, he's moved from third base to outfield, gaining two-position flexibility in fantasy leagues.

OF- Lance Berkman

Not a Jew, but, as I said last year, frequently mistaken for one. Must be the ripped Golem-like physique.

OF- Ryan Spilbourghs

Wikipedia says he's a Jew. And if it's one thing we know, it's that Wikipedia is infallible, very much like the Pope. The only thing that makes me think it might be true? His middle name is Adam. My name is Adam. Regardless, when you're trying to fill out a roster using such a small player pool, you have to take some reaches. Who knows? Maybe this Rockies utilityman will have a big year and we'll find out he's 100% Hebrew.

P- New York Mets (representing Scott Schoenweiss)

"Shoe the Jew" has been terrible to start the year, and so have the Mets. But I'm confident they'll turn it around and once again end the season with one of the best pitching staffs in baseball.

Bench: C Brian Schneider (probably not Jewish, but that name!), 1B Casey Kotchman (ditto), IF Geoff Blum (ditto), OF Adam Stern (yes, Jewish, but probably won't be in the majors this year), IF David Newhan (recently called up to the majors due to Kaz Matsui's anal fissure injury), and OF Moises "Moses" Alou (to represent all the African Jews out there).

You may question my methods, but there's no questioning that for a roster made up of Jews, this team is going to need some help from on high to win it all.

Gripe time. What if I told you that there's a Jewish baseball player who's smacking the cover off the ball right now in the majors.. and he's not only REALLY Jewish, but he's so hardcore about his Jewishness that he has parts of the Torah tattooed on himself? He's currently batting .423 with 4 homeruns, 8 runs, 11 RBI and a stolen base, playing outfield for the Milwawkee Brewers. And he's not named Ryan Braun.

You'd probably say, "Why wasn't he 'chosen' to be on your Jewish Fantasy Baseball team?" Valid question. And nice pun! There's a simple answer.

MLB.com said he didn't exist.

Gabe Kapler retired from baseball after the 2006 season, and became a manager in the Red Sox minor league system. But this year, he tried out with Milwawkee, a longshot to make the team.

He made it. And with Milwawkee starting outfielder Mike "HGH" Cameron suspended to start the year, Kapler has filled in and become one of this season's biggest surprises.

Finally, today MLB.com finally wised up and added him to the player pool. I've claimed him off waivers. Hopefully no one else will take him from me. Gabe "The Kee-pa" Kapler must be mine.

So, with him in the fold, that completes the NEW, IMPROVED, 2008 Major League Jews. Hopefully, this season will end in a first place, fantasy league championship, and rebuilding of the temple. Mazel Tov to everyone!

Jewish Fantasy Baseball, Final Standings

Well folks, that's it for the Jewish Fantasy Baseball season. The MLB fantasy game goes into the playoffs this week, and despite some inspiring performances by Elohim's Team, the world's first all-Jewish fantasy squad fell just short of a berth. Weeks 12 and 13 saw two straight losses, but Team Tallis put up a fight in each contest.

The Major League Jews put a scare into the first place Red Rooks, leading them throughout week 12, from Monday until Saturday, when a huge day by Yankees teammates A-Rod and Hideki Matsui finally put Red Rooks on top. The two Yankees had 96 points combined on the week. If either had performed normally, the Joltin' Jews would have snagged an upset. Alas, Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the week, Ryan Braun, was only able to put together a super-human performance, rather than a super-super-human one. He finished the week with a 8 - 29, 2B, 2 HR, 4 R, 6 RBI, BB line.

Wait, did I say Ryan Braun was merely a super-human? Not in week 13. He ascended the heights of Mount Sinai and batted .424, with 3 HRs, 6 Rs, 8 RBIs and a stolen base. Kevin Youkilis had a strong week as well, smacking 2 homeruns with 8 runs and 8 RBIs. The two joined slugger David Eckstein and a strong Mets pitching staff to make a 67.5 point Sunday comeback, but the Lovable Levis fell to The Appeasers (again!), 246-214.

The final results of the first ever Chosen Team season? A 3-9 record, 1930.5 total points. 8 games back from first place, in this particular fantasy league's toughest division.

This season's Most Valuable Jew? He started the year in the minors, occupying a bench spot on the Major League Jews for the first few weeks. But when he was called up the the bemah, he made his congregation proud. Our Adam's Life Sluggin Semite of the Year Award goes to Milwaukee Third Baseman Ryan Braun.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Week 11

Hey there Jewish baseball fans. We're in week twelve of the JFB season, and while the standings may not reflect it, this faithful bunch has given us much nachas.

In a short, post-all-star-break week, missing their starting second baseman and shortstop, the Homerin' Hebrews made a respectable showing, losing to team shutout 140.5 - 105.5.

Adam Kennedy (honorary jew until Ian Kinsler returns from the DL) was impressive in his Major League Jew debut, going 3 for 7 with a double and a homerun with three runs scored and two RBIs.

And, as is becoming the norm this fantasy baseball season, Ryan "Bar Mitzvah Boy" Braun had another week worth singing Hava Nagilah for, with a 3 for 9, 2 HR, 2 R, 4 RBI, 4 BB performance.

His is, once again, our Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite Of The Week.

This week, MLJ faces the first place, A-Rod led Red Rooks squad. It may take a miracle, but if we've learned anything from the bible, it's that miracles can happen. All you need is a magic staff. And we have one-- the Mets pitching staff, led by Scott Schoeneweis.

A Quick JFB Update



At the All-Star break, it's looking like a difficult time to be the owner of an All-Jewish Fantasy Baseball team. Ian Kinsler joined David Eckstein on the disabled list, and I found myself in the difficult position of not having a second baseman. Who could I choose to replace him? JFB fans, welcome St. Louis 2nd Baseman Adam Kennedy. Yeah, I know. He sucks. And unless he's like Virginia senator George Allen, he's not Jewish. But his first name is Adam, and so is mine. And there's no other 2nd baseman in the major leagues who even sounds like he belongs to the chosen people.

That being said, the two weeks before the break saw their ups and downs. The Major League Mensches, led by Ryan Braun, Kevin Youkilis and Lance Berkman, sheared the Fighting Sheep, 236 to 186. Week 9 Adam's Life Sluggin Semite: Ryan Braun (12 for 27, 5 2B, 2 HR, 6 R, 7 RBI, 2 BB, 2 SB)

Week 10, with no one playing second base and minimal output by subs Kotchman and Geoff Blum, the Torah Team fell 147.5 to 56 to the costco fubars. Week 10 Adam's Life Sluggin Semite: You guessed it... Ryan Braun (11 for 30, 2B, 4 HR, 6 R, 7 RBI, BB, 2 SB)

At the break, our brave minyan of baseball heroes finds itself at 3 wins and 7 losses, 6 games out of first place. But with injured stars returning, and the addition of prophet Moises "Moses" Alou, the future is looking as bright as the Shabbos candles.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Weeks 7 & 8


Casey Kotchman and Geoff Blum Join The Lineup

It's been a rough two weeks for Team Tefillin. Week 7 saw JINO (Jew In Name Only) David Eckstein go on the disabled list, and Kevin Mench, filling the outfield temporarily after Elijah Dukes was let go, went 0-4. Twins fan "Bren-skees" won 212 points to... 72. However, Brad "Awesome" Ausmus gave Jewish fantasy baseball fans everywhere something to smile about, batting .526 with a double, homerun, four runs and six RBIs. Someone's been eatin' his matzoh ball soup.

Last week, recent squad convert Casey Kotchman was supposed to make his debut... but ended up out with a concussion when he was hit in the helmet by a pickoff throw from Dodgers catcher Russell Martin. While Ian Kinsler (42 points), Ryan Braun (38), and Lance Berkman (29) got the job done, they couldn't overcome the loss of Kotchman and a pedestrian performance by Eckstein backup Geoff Blum (jew? mayyyybe). The MLJs lost a squeaker to "San Diego 619," 240 to 192.5.

The Chosen team may be mired in a losing streak, but us Jews are no strangers to adversity. This is a team that just needs to find its Moses to lead it into the promised land. Coincidentally... Moises Alou is coming off the disabled list soon...

Adam's Life Slugin Semite Of The Week Award:

Week 7: Brad Ausmus


Ausmus Knows, The Ladies Love A Mensch

Week 8: Ian Kinsler


Kinsler: 8 for 22, 2 2B, 3 HR, 11 R, 6 RBI, 6 BB Last Week

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Update: Week 6

I have sad news my little latkes. The Major League Jews have been forced to drop one of it's star players. He engaged in very un-mensch-like behavior, and it was time to cut ties. Elijah Dukes, who allegedly threatened his ex-wife with a gun, and impregnated a 17-year old, was just too much of a negative influence to ignore. We hope he can get his act together off the field. When that happens, he's welcome to come back.

The other sad news? The Baseball Boichiks lost to, of all teams, "The Appeasers." Never again!! I swear I'll try and win it next time.

The good news is, Angels first baseman Casey Kotchman joins the team. Not sure if he's Jewish, but his last name sure sounds like it.



Sluggin' Semite of the Week?? That Rabbi of Rookies himself, Ryan Braun, with a 10 for 27, 2 2B, 2 HR, 7 R, 4 RBI, BB line.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Team Update

The last two weeks have been tough for the Major League Jews. On a positive note, last week hot hebrew prospect Ryan Braun finally made his way to the majors, and started things off going 4 for 11 with a double, a homerun, three RBIs and a stolen base. But an injury to Shawn Green sent him to the Disabled List for the first time in his career. And Elijah Dukes allegedly threatened to kill his wife, which led to a (self-imposed) one week suspension. Kevin Youkilis came up big again, but in Week 8 of the Fantasy Open, the Yalmulke Yankees lost to Team Shutout, 207.5 points - 191. In week 9, despite a fine 23 point week from Braun and a 28 point week from Youkilis, the Green and Elijah-less Jew Crew was blown out by the A-Rod led Red Rooks team, 240 - 143.

Ryan Braun is this week's Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite Of The Week Award-winner.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Update: Week 3

A lot of people called me crazy when I put together an all-Jewish Fantasy Baseball team, and still expected to win. "Adam," they kvetched, "You won't beat anybody with the likes of Brad Ausmus and David Newhan. You better add a nice Christian boy like David DeJesus." Well, guess what. After three weeks, the Major League Jews are second place in the division, winning last week to improve to 2-1 on the year.

The Number Crunchers, led by Albert Pujols, Carlos Beltran and Russell Martin, were no match for the dynamic dreideling duo of Kevin Youkilis and Ryan Zimmerman. These two tallis-wearing youth combined for five doubles, five homeruns, 11 runs, 12 RBIs and 3 walks. Honorary Jew Elijah Dukes contributed two homers and six walks for a 26-point week, and Shawn Green, Ian Kinsler, Lance Berkman and David Eckstein all added double digits. Awesome Ausmus continues to be a workhorse behind the plate, and Scott "Shoe" Shoenweis, despite getting roughed up, saw his Mets pitching staff get quality wins over the Yankees.

All in all, a 167-point week for the boys in white and blue, and a shofar call to the rest of the league. The Maccabees have arrived.

This week, we have our first two-time Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week Award winner. Mazel Tov to Kevin Youkilis, who batted 11 for 27, with 2 2B, 3 HR, 5 R, 7 RBI and a walk.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Update: Week 2

The Major League Jews suffered their first loss of the season, unable to overcome the Jose Reyes and Magglio Ordonez-led "Statistics" team (what's with that name? Must be coached by a math teacher.) But the chosen team did boast some fine performances: Lance Berkman went 8 for 25 with 3 homeruns, 8 R, 6 RBI and 6 walks, and David Newhan hit his first homer of the year for the Mets. Unfortunately, former Jewish-All-American David Eckstein remains mired in a slump.

Berkman was impressive, but he usually is. This week's Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week Award goes to a fine young boychik who stepped up to make this week's contest close. This week, we honor Boston's Kevin Youkilis, who went 11 for 21 with 4 doubles, a homer, 4 runs, 6 RBI, and 2 walks.