Killer Cats

The New York Times has an interesting article about wild cats decimating the bird population throughout the world, especially in island and seashore habitats. One bird lover took it upon himself to shoot the offending furballs.

"For the cats, it’s easy pickings. They’re popping birds like they were M & M’s." -cat shooter Jim Stevenson.

Here at Adam's Life, we believe cats are just like people (and dogs are just like really dumb people). As such, some are cute and cuddly, and others would make Ted Bundy afraid.

So I'm not sure shooting them is the answer. The guy who shot the cat didn't catch the cat in the act of eating a bird. How did he know that the cat he shot was one of the bad ones? Maybe that cat was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, lured to the bird's nesting grounds by some of his cat frat brothers, in some sort of cat hazing ritual. Maybe that cat just came to the bird nesting grounds because that's where all the hot female cats hung out. My point is, that poor cat was executed without due process. And that's just un-American.

So what do I propose? How do we solve the feral cat problem? Simple, my friends...

Cat jails.



Two "Cat Jail" Prototypes

In every municipality dealing with a feral cat problem, we set up special tribunals to try accused cats. Each cat will be assigned a public defender, and the prosecution will have to prove that the de-feline-dent actually committed a crime.

If convicted, the cat will receive a sentence anywhere from community service (forced to pick up trash along the highway) to life behind bars (I don't believe in the death penalty).

Now, I know what you're saying. This will cost taxpayers billions. It will make a mockery of the criminal justice system. Billions, you say? Well how much are we spending on the war?? A mockery of the criminal justice system? Um... hello, remember this?:


The System Doesn't Work

Cat jails will work as a deterrent, making feral cats think twice about attacking endangered birds. And they can pay for themselves... just charge admission to cat lovers, turning each cat jail into a sort of petting zoo.

The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced it will work. So write your congressman. Tell him you don't want another cent of your taxpayer dollars going towards the war, and you want it all directed towards cat jails. It's the only humane way to deal with this problem.

Creepy Cat



Cat plays furry Grim Reaper at nursing home

or, as I would headline the article:

Killer Cat Gets Away With Murder Spree

In short, in a Rhode Island nursing home, there's a cat named Oscar who has an uncanny ability to "predict" when someone's going to die. 25 times, at last count, this "gifted" cat has curled up next to patients who then kicked the bucket mere hours later.

No one finds this the least bit fishy?

I mean... if a nurse was around 25 patients who died within hours of being with her... wouldn't that be cause for an investigation??

“He doesn’t make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die,” said Dr. David Dosa.

Of course he does.

Dosa said Oscar seems to take his work seriously and is generally aloof. “This is not a cat that’s friendly to people,” he said.

They said the same thing about Ed Gein.

Doctors say most of the people who get a visit from the sweet-faced, gray-and-white cat are so ill they probably don’t know he’s there, so patients aren’t aware he’s a harbinger of death.

Well... that's comforting to know.

Oscar recently received a wall plaque publicly commending his “compassionate hospice care.”

Wake up people!! You've got a seriously twisted kitty on your hands! Where's Agent Starling's dog when you need her?

One thing's for sure, I'm not sending anyone I know to that nursing home.