Someone Is Holding Time Warner Cable Hostage For Free Cable

UPDATE (10:03 AM 10/6): And I'm in the Village Voice! Also, cable went out again last night. Is the super up to more shenanigans?

UPDATE (3:10 PM): The Cable and Internet are back! Either Time Warner broke into the building or caved and gave the super what he wanted. Now I can go back to griping about a faceless cable company instead of griping about some random guy.

I live in the East Village. My Internet and Cable have been out since yesterday. I missed last night's Yankees game. I couldn't watch Monday Night Football. My friend in London who is using a Slingbox connected to my TV to watch American television is stuck watching episodes of bizarre British game shows.

I called Time Warner Cable. I was instantly hit with a recorded message that there's a service outage in my area affecting internet, cable, phone, you name it. The message said the service reps have no additional information. I waited on hold to speak with one anyway. I wanted to know what the hell was going on.

Finally, I connected with a service rep. He sounded young. Stumbled a little bit over the script he was reading. I assume he's new. This will be important in a moment. I asked him what the heck was happening. And he told me this:

The box that controls the cable, internet, pretty much everything else for Time Warner Cable in my area of the East Village is located in the basement of a building. In order to service this box, Time Warner Cable needs to contact the super of the building and be let in.

The super of the building, according to the service rep, REFUSES TO LET TIME WARNER INSIDE.

"Why is he refusing?" I asked.

"He wants free cable," the rep responded.

Apparently, Time Warner has tried to reason with the man, but he refuses to budge. Today, he's refused to answer the door or his phone. He's cut off all communication.

"It's a very unusual situation," the rep said.

This pisses me off to no end. So some super on a power trip is the reason that myself and who knows how many others can't watch TV or go online. We all have to pay, and this super asshole thinks he's entitled to free internet because Time Warner has a box in his building. The super doesn't give a damn that he's screwing all the rest of us.

"Where's the building?" I asked.

Now, an experienced rep, I would imagine, would never tell this information. But I'm guessing the friendly script laid out in front of the reps doesn't cover a scenario where a rogue super holds his community's cable service hostage.

"It's on 2nd Ave. I'm not sure I should tell you the exact address," the rep said.

"I understand," I said. "It's just that its ridiculous that one man should stop everybody else from getting cable."

"Yes sir," the rep agreed. "How close are you to 2nd Ave.?"

"I live between 1st and 2nd, closer to 2nd. I'd love to go over there and try to speak with the super to help resolve this."

"Well," the rep said, "I can't see any reason I can't give you the address."

I can see a few reasons. And for those reasons, I won't post the address here. Yet.

Should I call the guy and try to end this standoff? Visit the address and knock on the door? Release the address? Or just the Super's name, so I can publicly shame the guy?

Or should I do nothing, hope Time Warner Cable gives the guy free cable before I get home from work?

Help me decide, America.

Reflections On Derek Jeter's 3000th Hit, Life

I was there. Three words that are oh so satisfying.



I bought the tickets off of Stubhub... well over a month before the game. Well before Derek Jeter was injured, delaying the inevitable milestone. I bought them for my dad, my mom, my sister and myself for Father's Day. I had no idea back then what a momentous occasion we'd be witnessing.

The video above doesn't quite do the job of capturing the euphoria of Jeter's big moment. All the Jeter-haters out there who cry "overrated" won't ever fully understand it, but I know what the Yankee captain's achievement meant to me, and what it probably meant to many others around my age who grew up to be Yankees fans.

You see, the Yankees of my youth were a mercenary organization (and some would argue, still are). They hired the best guns and sluggers from around the league, mostly guys who were too old or had worn out their welcome in other locales. In the late 80s and early 90s, when my baseball fandom was being developed, the Yankees resembled the cast of The Expendables, a collection of action stars past their prime. Sure, there was Donnie Baseball, but back problems signaled his career was near an end.

Then came 1995. I was 13 years old. My Bar Mitzvah theme was "A Night At The Ballpark." For me, that was also the year that cemented the Yankees as my favorite team. I'd grown up rooting for the Mets, against the rest of my family's wishes. My favorite players were David Cone and Darryl Strawberry. But the Mets had betrayed me. By 1992, they'd given away the players I loved. In 1995, The Yankees signed the Straw and Cone. That won me over.

They also briefly promoted a rookie shortstop, Derek Jeter. I identified with the rook, after all, he wasn't much older than me-- only 8 years. I watched his debut against Seattle on TV. The box score says he went 0-5, but I don't remember that. I just remember the announcers saying how much potential he had, how he was a top prospect. Instantly, I imagined myself in his shoes.

I grew up. So did Jeter. He hit his first Major League homer Opening Day, just before I graduated middle school. That summer, I watched him hit his way to becoming Rookie of the Year. I was in the common TV area of my dorm freshman year of boarding school when I saw Jeter hit a deep shot that was caught by a kid just a little younger than me in the home run stands, tying the first game of the American League Championship series. My freshman year of college, for Halloween, I dressed as a Mets fan that had been beaten by Yankees fans-- a tribute to the Subway Series. I won a camera as first prize in my dorm's costume contest, Jeter won the World Series MVP award. This year, as Derek has seemingly entered a new stage in his career, so have I-- I moved in with the girl I love and have come to terms with the fact that at age 29, adulthood is here whether I'm ready for it or not.

So in many ways, it felt like Derek and I grew up together. He was the first player I watched transform from a rookie, to an all-star, and now, in his twilight years, to a legend. In an age where we're reminded daily that sports are a business and the players we love appear on ESPN to announce their departures, it's rare for a fan of any team to be able to watch a player grow up in their backyard. So it was fitting that on the day he reached a milestone only 27 others had reached before, I was in the stands, cheering him on.

I'd seen Derek's 3000th hit before, playing the video game MVP Baseball 2005. In my virtual franchise, it had taken him until 2012, due to injuries (I screamed at my Nintendo Gamecube, "Don't you know Derek never gets injured!?"). With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, the bases loaded and down by three, Jeter came to bat. I followed the pitch in and mashed the A button, pushing the control stick right. The ball sailed. An opposite field, grand slam homer. In my head, the crowd roared. The video game announcer congratulated virtual Jeter on the milestone.

Back to reality. Real life doesn't go like that. If it's one thing I've learned growing up, it's that perfect endings only happen in movies. I've experienced many successes and many happy moments, but rarely has my life lived up to the wild fantasies of my imagination.

Jeter's first at bat against David Price, he hit a roller that snuck through the left side of the infield. The type of hit he's been getting recently, as the bat has slowed. The crowd went wild, not because they were impressed with the hit, but because they all were thinking the same thing. He'll be at bat at least 4 more times this game-- I have a shot at witnessing history.

Then came Jeter's next at bat. He worked the count. Fouled a pitch off. The crowd chanted, "Deh-rek Jee-ter!!" over and over again. Price wound up and delivered.

Everybody knew the ball was gone the second Derek swung. It wasn't a grand slam to the opposite field, but it seemed like that, something that happens in video games and dreams, not real life.

Jeter ended the game 5 for 5. Perfect. Won the game single-handedly. And while he may be batting .257 on the year with diminishing range and increasing critics, he looked like the kid I watched when I was just a kid myself, all those years ago.

I was there. So were the others in the stands, screaming their voices out. So were the Yankees fans watching at home. Yes, he's a mensch, and yes, he plays hard, always, but the reason we love Derek Jeter is bigger than that. He's been our benchmark, our standard, a physical embodiment of the best bell curve the course of our lives could follow, from potential, to stardom, to marrying Minka Kelly.

Jeter's 3000th hit wasn't just a milestone for him. It was a milestone for us.


______

Bad Intel

Stoners in New York were excited by a Daily Intel blog post this morning...

Unfortunately, there's a reason that link is to NBC Connecticut...

Oh Noreen!! This is why no blog posts should be made before 10 in the morning.

Sorry stoners. You'll have to go to Yale to avoid jail time. Like George W.

In the meantime, I commend the great state of Connecticut. Decriminalize, not legalize. (click the link for my reasons why) It's a happy medium.

If You're Looking For An Apartment In NYC...

June is a popular move-in time in New York City. It's tough to find a place that will perfectly suit your needs and isn't being fought over by hundreds of people. But if you've always dreamed of living in the heart of Soho, in your very own "artist's one bedroom," with eat-in kitchen, exposed brick, amazing city views, and "A shower big enough for a few of your friends", I've found the place for you-- 7 Spring Street:

Fabulous Funky Artist 1 Bed- SO MUCH Charm and Character

Be the only one to live in in a 1 bed in proper Nolita for $1600 a month

Located: on Spring between Bowery & Elizabeth

Features:
– Shared patio and yard
– Amazing city views with parks gardens and patios
– Bedroom fits a king bed
– Antique original moldings and doors
– Exposed brick throughout
– 5th floor walk up with means drenched with direct light
– Eat in Kitchen
– Built in book selves
– A shower big enough for a few of your friends – it’s actually bigger then the eat in kitchen… this is a classic RARE TO NONE. No one has a shower quite like this shower.. BE THE FIRST. You could set up a small dining area in the shower… Must see to believe.

I'm seeing it. I don't believe it.

Sort of reminds me of another place...

It's hard being a Realtor.

UPDATE: The price just dropped $50. And the new listing does not highlight the group shower.

Yankees Season Ticket Department Screws Up Again, This Time, Worse

Who the heck is running the show inside the Yankees Season Ticket Office?

For the second time in two years, an email was sent to hundreds of Yankees season ticket holders, revealing personal information to strangers. The first time the Yankees revealed personal information, it was only email addresses... someone used CC (not Sabathia) instead of BCC, a major mass-email no-no that exposed the personal email addresses of hundreds of people (and potential spammers). This time, the Yankees employee went even further, attaching a handy dandy spreadsheet of names, addresses, phone numbers, fax numbers and email addresses-- and the seats they have in Yankee Stadium.

Deadspin first reported the details on the Yankees season ticket holders privacy breach yesterday afternoon. More than 20,000 people were affected, all in non-premium seating-- which means that once again, the Yankees management has screwed the true, blue collar fans and pampered the wealthy people who never show up to games and keep the seats around the infield empty for the majority of the year.

A call to Ken Cleary, Account Executive of Season Ticket Sales & Services, went unanswered Thursday morning. But his email to those affected (including me) indicated that "immediately upon learning of the accidental attachment of the internal spreadsheet, remedial measures were undertaken so as to assure that a similar incident could not happen again."

I assume that would mean the idiot who did this was fired? Maybe not. The original email came from Ken, the same person who later blamed "an employee."

Of course, the personal information was revealed on Monday. It took until Wednesday for the Yankees to send an apology and acknowledgment of the mistake. This is actually better response time than the last time... where they never apologized at all.

Also disturbing, the "recall message" we received shows that whoever sent the email has a huge gap of understanding when it comes to using email. Once an email is sent, you ain't getting it back, buddy. Perhaps the Yankees should use Google's "Mail Goggles."

The things one could do with this list is troubling. It goes beyond spam. Let's say you were wondering who the hot blonde was in Seat 24, Row 11, Section 235. The list could tell you that. Already, my cousin and I are joking about greeting all the people in our row by name next time we go to the stadium.

It's not inconceivable that an enterprising person who wanted to upgrade their seats for the following season could call up the people who held their desired seats, and find out whether they're re-upping for next season. If they're not, they could circumvent the Yankees and arrange to transfer the tickets.

And that's not even getting into other potential abuses. Con artists looking to scam people out of their credit cards could pretend to be Yankees reps, calling people on the list. After all, they know their seat numbers, account codes... it would sound legit to an unwary ticket holder.

Thanks a lot Yankees. It was bad enough you stuck us with a package involving multiple Royals and Orioles games, including two weekday 1:00 games. Now this.

UPDATE (May 2): Got a call back from Mario Oliveri, Yankees Season Ticket account executive. He assured me that the Yankees take this seriously, but repeated the company line that "no information was released that can't be found on Google." Except, you know, unlisted telephone numbers, those seat numbers, and the Yankees account number. He said that they've updated their security procedures, securing spreadsheet files, and making sure they ask additional information from those calling in, like "what credit card did you use to make your purchase?" When I pointed out that a scammer could ask the same thing, Mario said that everybody is aware of the situation, so they're less likely to fall for a scam.

I was hoping they'd offer something, anything, to make up for their sloppy security and revealing information that people would rather not have distributed to thousands of others. A Yankees seat cushion? A free pen? But it seems the Yanks are content to ride this one out, and if they lose a customer or two, they're not too worried about it.

A Tour Of NYC's Public Pools

This past Saturday, I took advantage of NYC's public pool system (not in the sense that it was drunk and I made a move, but in the sense that I went and enjoyed the pools for free). I wrote about the experience for Neighborbee. Check it out.

Goodbye Stuyvesant Deli, Goodbye Stuyvesant Town



In New York City, every resident has their own favorite neighborhood bodega, a small grocery store where vital supplies (beer, lottery tickets, candy and the occasional sandwich) can be purchased 24 hours a day. Mine was the Stuyvesant Grocery Deli. That's it in the picture above, at shortly after 11 AM this morning.

Blogger EV Grieve has more on the devastating scene. I won't get there until after work today.

My heart goes out to the guys that run the place. They always asked me how my day was, or where I'd been if I hadn't stopped by in a while. If I find out any way to help them, I'll post it on this blog.

In a way, it's fitting that a place that helped sustain me for the past 6 years just now went up in flames. In a few weeks, I'll be leaving Stuyvesant Town and the East Village behind, moving to a place on 32nd and 2nd, in Kips Bay.

Yeah yeah. I know. Murray Hill. Does that mean I'll suddenly become a douchebag?

Maybe that's unfair to Murray Hill. Not everyone there is a douchebag. But if you're a New Yorker, you know the reputation. I'm leaving a place known for beatniks, punk rock and its rough and tumble character, for a place known for... well, the hair-gelled fist-pumping crowd at Joshua Tree and Brother Jimmy's. My New Haircut wasn't a joke in Murray Hill. It was a docudrama.

But maybe it's time to move on up. My favorite East Village bar, Musical Box, just closed a few weeks ago. Before that, my favorite hidden tiki bar, Waikiki Wally's closed. Before that, my favorite dancing and drinking place, Uncle Ming's closed. When your three favorite neighborhood bars shut down, maybe your neighborhood's trying to tell you something.

And now Stuyvesant Grocery Deli. I better move out soon, before the whole neighborhood closes down and goes up in flames.

Yankees Employee Screws Up



A Yankees employee accidently clicked "CC" instead of "BCC" in a promotional email she sent to nearly 1,000 people. As a result, she revealed nearly 1000 email addresses to total strangers, some of whom, within minutes, were spamming the others on the list with offers for posters and ticket trades.

A quick rundown of the email addresses reveals people working at financial institutions, media companies, military installations and other places that would definitely not appreciate their work emails being broadcast to potentially unsavory characters.

A follow up email simply was an attempt to recall the message... I think we know how that worked out.

I'll accept an apology in the form of Legends Seats tickets.

I Apologize To The Woman I Was Incredibly Rude To In The Subway

This morning I did something really out of character for me. I cursed at an older woman. This happened about 25 minutes ago, and it's been eating at me.

As I walked towards the exit of the subway station at 34th St. Herald Square, I was reading AM New York. I do this pretty much every day. I've become pretty proficient at walking while reading. I haven't bumped into a stranger yet, and I have the good sense to put the paper down when crossing the street or navigating heavy traffic.

But today, a woman, mid to late 40s, I'd guess, spoke up behind me. At this time in the morning, I'm only half awake, so I'm not completely sure what she said, but it sounded to me like a command: "Don't read the paper while walking, people are trying to get by."

She said it in a snide, not so polite manner, talking down to me like I was some punk kid. Maybe this wasn't her intent. Maybe she inadvertently left out "Excuse me" or "please." And around us was enough space to drive a truck through, so it wasn't like I was causing a bottleneck.

But in response, I did something inexcusable. I said "F*ck Y*u." Without the asterisks.

As I said, inexcusable. And completely out of character for me. I can't really explain to myself why I did it. I had been sandwiched into a subway car with a guys hand up my ass moments before, and I was half awake, and I was shocked that a stranger would actually say something to me. But none of that would typically make me lose it. That's just not me.

The woman and I jawed back and forth until I finally got up the stairs and hightailed it down the street. I felt remorse as soon as she went out of sight. That's somebody's mother, I thought. What if someone yelled "F*ck Y*u" at my mom?

Even if I thought the woman had an attitude with me first, I took it to another level. It's like if someone pinched me and then I hit them with a baseball bat (note, this hasn't happened, just a metaphor). What I did just soured things all around. If I had just stepped aside and stewed silently about my perceived slight, I would have gotten over it and never thought about it again.

Its amazing that a curse word, even now in 2010, can still make the record skip and the whole mood of the day turn sour. A badly placed curse can really escalate a situation to a place it doesn't need to be.

What a shitty start to the day. For both of us. It didn't have to be like that.

So I apologize, woman in the subway. I totally gave a harsh reaction to you, and it wasn't warranted. I'm truly sorry.

Watch Bad Hockey, Get A Free Burrito

I did some searching for discount tickets on the NYU Ticket Central site, and came across this awesome deal for New York Islanders tickets:





Yes, you heard right. Your prize for traveling to Long Island and standing in line wearing an Islander jersey is a free Chipotle Burrito.

Perhaps they're trying to co-opt Pittsburgh Penguins' coach Dan Bylsma's pregame tradition. Hey, it worked for the Penguins...



Of course, doing the math, all you're really getting out of this deal is a $10 burrito.

Full Disclosure: I'm a Devils fan:


That's Me Holding Up The Brodeur Jersey At His 552nd Win

Seinfeld Is Back!!!



(Sorta)

According to the New York Post, the cast of Seinfeld will reunite on the HBO show "Curb Your Enthusiasm," which stars the Seinfeld creator, Larry David. The plot of this season of Curb will revolve around Larry's attempt to make a new Seinfeld episode.

The new "episode" may actually air in its entirety, as the season finale of Curb.

This makes me very, very happy. TV hasn't been the same since the four went to jail for refusing to help somebody. Of course, I'll never accept that episode as the actual finale. I prefer to think of this Saturday Night Live sketch as the actual Seinfeld ending:

Seinfeld in Oz

Smarter Than The Average Bear



In the High Peaks region of the northeastern Adirondacks, somebody's been stealing picnic baskets:

“She’s quite talented,” said Jamie Hogan, owner of BearVault [a bear-proof container manufacturer], based in San Diego. “I’m an engineer, and if one genius bear can do it, sooner or later there might be two genius bears.

Actually, there's already a second:


Sources Say His Name Is Boo Boo

The New York Times couldn't reach Ranger Smith for comment, apparently.

Save (A Piece Of) Yankee Stadium



Read on Yahoo! about this project to help preserve a tiny piece of the old Yankee Stadium. I think it's a great idea.

Why completely erase the old stadium from memory? Retaining the one gate from this hallowed ballpark would honor it without ruining the city's plan for park space.

Check it out.

Please, city of New York, don't pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

Yankees Reserve Seats For Either Messiah's or Anti-Christ's Arrival



After weeks of fans, bloggers, and the media speculating why the Yankees don't drop ticket prices for their laughably inaccessible "Legends Seats" behind home plate and along the basepaths (look at that medieval moat!), Adam's Life has uncovered the real reason why the team seemingly doesn't want anyone to sit there.

"This place is a cathedral," an anonymous source told us. "And those seats are reserved for whichever army ends up winning the battle between good and evil."

Privately, the source stated that he personally hopes the "good" side wins, and occupies the extra-cushy, prime view seating. But he emphasized the official Yankee position is neutral.

"If the anti-christ wins, we don't want to offend him. He and his minions will certainly have a right to those seats and the privilege of free access to the Legends Club food service," the source said.

Suspicions were raised after New York University seniors were denied access to the seats for their graduation ceremonies.

"Of course it didn't make sense if we were only reserving those seats for big spenders. There wasn't a game that day," the source said. "But we're anticipating the end of days any minute now, and we need to make sure those seats are untarnished by mere mortals."

Initially, Yankees owner and Order of the Sixth Stone member George Steinbrenner was reluctant to put any price on the seats, but was finally convinced that anybody spending that kind of money had to be a god, angel, or demon. "It was a way to earn a few bucks and meet a few of the holy warriors deciding mankind's fate," the source said.

Yankee fans must be patient, the source urged.

"We know how it looks, with all those empty seats," he said. "But once the apocalypse arrives, all of the supernatural forces, weary from battle, will pour in through those turnstiles and make this a full stadium again. Unless of course, its a weekday series versus the Mariners."

Phil Loadofbull, a biblical scholar, says he became concerned about the Yankees franchise dabbling in armageddonology when he learned the outfield turf of the new stadium was not Kentucky bluegrass but rather sod taken directly from Meggido, prophetical site of the final war between God and the Devil.

"I thought it strange at the time but didn't really voice my concerns until I saw what they did to Monument Park," said Loadafbull. The once holy ground of the Yankees was hidden behind a wall and buried beneath a casino-sponsored den of opulence. "I wouldn't be surprised if the Yankees host the final battle themselves. It'll be one hell of a ballgame. And think of how much they'll make on concessions alone. Incidentally, I'm a big fan of their garlic fries."

The source insists there are no plans for Yankee stadium to be the final battleground, only the site of the post-war celebration. "Of course," he said, "if they wanted to battle here, I'm sure we could find a corporate sponsor."

Yankee Stadium On Sale Today!

The New York Yankees announced today that they've finally reached a deal with the State of New York to sell parts of "The House That Ruth Built."

Apparently, the Yankees still believe people have enough money to pay for $2,500 dollar seats in the new stadium AND $750 for a seat from the old one.

But read the fine print... the $750 dollar "deal" is actually a fraud:

The commemorative seats are authentic seat backs and bottoms with new commemorative arms.

Which means that for $750, you're actually getting only 75% of an old Yankee Stadium seat, combined with a brand new armrest.

So if you really want authentic, a pair of seats goes for $1499.99 (plus $70 shipping), and unlike the solo seats, these are 100% the real thing, not refurbished in any way.

But while seats are undeniably cool (and may even tempt some people in this economy, despite the high sticker), some of the other items up for sale at Steiner Sports are, er... less appealing:

Like, er.. this:


Finally, the Famed Yankee Stadium Goya Beans Sign Can Be Yours!!

Or this:


I Swear Guys, It's From Yankee Stadium! I Have The Certificate Of Authenticity Here Somewhere...

Or this:


Brian Cashman's Filing Cabinet! Just Think Of All The Files He Kept In There!

(Like the ones that said "Don't trade for Johan Santana)

To be fair, there's some cool stuff being offered (The auction price for a "Be Alert Foul Balls" sign is only $200 as of now). And if you have an extra $50,000 dollars lying around, why not spend it on the most ridiculous item of all: the Yankee-logo-emblazoned turf from behind home plate:


Um... So, Okay, Where Do I Put This Exactly?

Your personal 20 x 20 foot piece of Authentic Yankee Stadium Sod from behind home plate with the interlocking NY comes complete with a bag of peat moss, grass seed, and a flag stating its origin: Yankee Stadium. You will also receive a 16x20 photograph of the final game at the original Yankee Stadium, a Joe DiMaggio Diary page along with instructions on how to properly care and maintain the sod, the official interlocking NY logo stencil and white paint. A Yankees-Steiner Letter of Authenticity is included. The grass will be delivered to your house and will be transplanted for you. The highest success for replanting is in the northern regions of the United States.

I guess that means Yankee fans down in Boca Raton are sh*t out of luck.

Can you imagine the discussions with the kid who mows your lawn?

"Yeah, Billy... be extra careful on that $50,000 dollar patch of grass right there."

And... oh yeah; come first snowfall, your investment is going to look like this:


Quick! Roll Out The Tarp!!

For $50,000, I'm expecting the Yankee Stadium grounds crew to come to my home and perform the YMCA:

Apparently The Federal Government Has Never Heard Of Photoshop



Proving that government incompetence exists no matter which party is in charge, Obama officials terrified countless New Yorkers earlier this week when they authorized a photo shoot involving a 747 and two fighter jets flying low over downtown Manhattan.

Initially said to be a military drill, officials later admitted the flyby was done to update their photo records of Air Force One:

Air Force officials estimate that the mission and the photo shoot for the 747 and an accompanying F-16 fighter jet cost $328,835. But they said "the hours would have been flown regardless, and the expenses would have been accrued on a different mission."

An Air Force source told CNN on Tuesday that the White House Military Office planned a photo shoot over various Washington monuments next week, but the shoot has now been canceled.

No word on whether the flight was scheduled to fly low across the Pentagon.

This could have all been avoided had anyone working in the government heard of Adobe Photoshop. Take a photo of Air Force One, then take a photo of the Statue of Liberty. Use Photoshop to meld them together. I did this in 2 minutes, and I didn't even use Photoshop, I used the Paint application included with Windows:


The Government Owes Me $328,835

See, wasn't that cheaper? And less panic-inducing?

Obama's done less than I've hoped for so far (no world peace yet) but he can impress by doing what the Bush administration should have done when someone makes an idiotic decision... fire them.

No one who heard this idea thought, "Gee, I wonder if this will terrify thousands of people and cost a lot of unnecessary money?" Wouldn't that naturally be your first thought when the words, plane, lower Manhattan, flying low, and photo shoot are in the same sentence?

Bush didn't fire the idiots. Obama should. Or at least school these guys on Photoshop.

Homeland Security Struggles To Stop New Terrorist Threat



NEW YORK - Early reports suggest that a bird strike was responsible for a plane crash in New York's Hudson River yesterday, leaving government officials scrambling to explain how such a large breach of national security occurred on their watch.

Bird attacks have been increasing in recent years. More than 200 people have been killed worldwide as a result of bird attacks on aircraft since 1988, according to Bird Strike Committee USA, and more than 5,000 bird strikes were reported by the U.S. Air Force in 2007. Five jet airliners have had major accidents involving bird strikes since 1975, and in one case, about three dozen people died.

Even the nation's space program has been hit: During the July 2005 launch of the space shuttle Discovery on mission STS-114, a vulture soaring around the launch pad impacted the shuttle's external tank just after liftoff.

NASA put safety measures into place after the incident, lining the shuttle's fuel tanks with cat fur and placing scarecrows along the launch pad and landing strip.

Officials say the birds tend to attack when aircraft are close to the ground, which means just before landing or after take-off, when jet engines are turning at top speeds and a crash is most likely to cause maximum damage.

Osama Bin Chirps, a 12-pound Canadian goose, claimed responsibility for the most recent attack in a video delivered to reporters at Animal Planet, the terrorists' news outlet of choice.

"You steal our eggs and hunt us down. And you think bread crumbs will satisfy us..." Chirps said on the video, according to a translation done by Bigson "Big" Bird, the government's chief Avian language expert. "Our great migration has begun, except this time, it will be America that flies south for the winter."

Fortunately, the latest attack resulted in no deaths or serious injuries as of this writing. But Homeland Security spokesperson Harvey K. Fakefield told reporters that the government is taking the bird threat seriously.

"We've hardened our aircraft to defend against this new threat," Fakefield said. "Future aircraft will be painted to resemble large, flying cats, in order to make these birds think twice about what they're flying into."

Fakefield said the suicide bird remains from Thursday's attack will be sent to the Smithsonian Institution's Feather Identification Laboratory to identify the species and link it to one of several well known Bin Chirps-affiliated terrorist cells, or "Flocks," operating in the U.S..

The President--for the moment, still George W. Bush--expressed his outrage at the "evil-bird-doers."

"Make no mistake, our resolve is strong. And we will prevail over this flying menace. It's like they say, a bird in the hand, well... it's a lot better than a bird not in your hand."

But Dave Notaman, professor of ornithology at Bodega Bay College in California, says birds are a very dangerous, sophisticated threat, practically impossible to stop.

"You can't just put these guys on a no-fly list," Notaman says. "They'd find some way around it."

According to the Journal of Biodiversity and Conservation, there are between 200 and 400 billion birds worldwide. "We have no choice but to negotiate with a population this large," Notaman says. "Perhaps President Obama can include a free birdseed program in his economy stimulus bill."

President-elect Barack Obama has yet to make his plan for dealing with the bird threat clear, but has indicated in the past that he will take a more diplomatic approach to ending world terror.

Fakefield says that Homeland Security is eager to begin working with the new President to solve the bird terrorist problem.

"This isn't a war we're going to win tomorrow," he said. "Our hope is... what the... aw hell... damn bird just pooped on me."

Friday Food Holiday Gift Guide

They say the quickest way to someone's heart is through their stomach (though as my doctor friends point out, it's quicker to make an incision in the breastplate.) In NYC, you can step it up a notch above a box of Godivas fairly easily and cheaply.

Just visit these places below:

The Store: Fat Witch Bakery, 75 9th Ave. (Chelsea Market)

What You'll Find:

Holiday Cauldron Special, $18.99. One luscious, gooey, mmm Fat Witch brownie is $2.75... this collection has 7 Fat Witch Baby Brownies, 3 Blonde Babies and 3 Walnut Babies.

Also look for: For do-it-yourselfers, Fat Witch's Original Brownie Mix.

The Store: La Maison Du Chocolat, 30 Rockefeller Center.

What You'll Find:

Chocolate Macaroon, $2.50 ea. This isn't one of those dry, coconutty lumps for Passover... this is the best cookie they'll ever have in their life. Gift boxes with a variety of flavors are available.

Also look for: Chocolate Covered Fruit, Tasse De Chocolat-- dark chocolate beads, and, if you're in the store, a overdose-inducing cup of Hot Chocolate.

The Store: Butter Lane, 123 E. 7th St.
What You'll Find:

Chocolate Cupcake with French Vanilla Buttercream Icing,$2.50. There's no way you'll want to wait in line at Magnolia, so try these cupcakes on for size.

Also look for: A much-raved-about Banana Cream Cheese cupcake (which I was unfortunately not able to sample), a variety of French buttercream and American buttercream (the staff will explain the difference) cupcakes.

The Store: Build A Green Bakery, 223 First Ave.

What You'll Find:

Big Box of Little Cookies, $15.00. Size doesn't matter... with these cookies. Always fresh, they pack some big taste.

Also look for:New York Chocolate Cheesecake and Peanut Butter Chocolate Cheesecake, out this month, and their tasty Blueberry Corn Muffins.

The Store: Dylan's Candy Bar, 1011 Third Ave.

What You'll Find:

Dylan's Candy Bar Striped Scarf, $42.00. I was gonna feature some candy here, then I saw this scarf with pockets. A scarf with pockets! I thought of that first.

Also look for: Candy. All kinds. Everything from a Pez Elvis Gift Set to Chocolate Covered Peanuts in a Paint Can. Yes, a Paint Can. Paint not included.

New York City Holiday Gift Guide: Sports and Dorks

Just a handful of places today, where you can find gifts for your sports fan or, er... anti-sports fan. Let's go NYU Bobcats!! Yes... its Bobcats. Not Violets. I swear.

The Store: Steve & Barry's, 100 W. 33rd St. (Manhattan Mall)

What You'll Find:

Long-Sleeve College T-Shirt, $4.00. Help your friend or relative feel like a college kid again.

Also look for: Steve and Barry's is going out of business, and the phrase "picked over" doesn't begin to describe the remaining items from their closing sale. But if you get there this week, there's still plenty of Steve & Barry's fleeces, Laird Hamilton's "Wonderwall" surf-clothing collection, University of Michigan Varsity-Style Jackets, and ridiculously cheap earrings and other accessories.

The Store: Yankees Clubhouse Store, 393 Fifth Ave.

What You'll Find:

New York Yankees vs Boston Red Sox Connect Four MLB Game, $19.99. The only bad part about this gift? Someone ends up having to play as the Red Sox.

Also look for: Yankees Jerseys and Caps, a Yankees Mr. Potato Head doll.

The Store: Paragon Sports, 867 Broadway

What You'll Find:

Finis SwiMP3 V2 Player, $111.96. For the swimmer who found out the hard way that iPods don't work underwater.

Also look for: Every sporting good under the sun, Custom Pocket Knives, and some great lawn games, like the Franklin Sports Spongebob All Sport Set, which includes a pop up goal and soccer ball.

The Store: Jewish Book Center of The Workman's Circle, 45 E. 33rd St.

What You'll Find:

Mensch T-Shirt, $13.00. For the mensch who has everything, except a T-Shirt printed with the definition of what a Mensch is.

Also look for: Musical Dreidels, books on Kabbalah, or Jewish Mysticism, and for aspiring Jewish Jocks, the Shvitz! My Yiddishe Workout DVD.

The Store: Bauman Rare Books, 535 Madison Ave.

What You'll Find:

Issac Asimov's Book Of Facts, Signed By The Author, $150. The king of sci-fi for your sci-fi fan. As long as he doesn't mind that Asimov wrote in it.

Also look for:A framed collection of Beatles' Autographs, rare first editions of books and manuscripts.

More gift guide to come. See the whole gift guide, here.

New York City Wacky Japanese Gift Guide

The gift guide continues...

Those Japanese are really ahead of the curve. I mean, first, Nintendo. Then sushi. Then Tamagachi. Then Alyssa Milano and Jennifer Love Hewitt as major pop stars. Well, okay, maybe they don't know music. But they good know what looks good and is fun to play with. Us Americans struggle to keep up. Unless you shop at these stores below, beacons of Japanese brilliance shining through the concrete caverns of New York City:

The Store: AC Gears, 69 E. 8th St.

What You'll Find:

Takaratomy Air Guitar Pro Acoustic, $55.99. Air guitarists everywhere now have an alternative to Guitar Hero and Rock Band.

Also look for: Cool gadgets like the Dreams DJ Speaker, a keychain-sized device that allows you to DJ-scratch along with your iPod, cool accessories like Angel and Devil Earphones, and the most fun alarm clock you'll ever see, the Bandai Gun Oclock Alarm Clock:



The Store: Kid Robot, 118 Prince St.

What You'll Find:

Yummy Breakfast Keychain, $4.95 ea. Who doesn't want a smiling short-stack of pancakes holding their keys together?

Also look for: Vinyl and metal figurines ranging from the dark and subversive (Cannibal FunFair Figurines) to the adorable and deplorable (cigarette-addicted Smorkin` Labbits).

The Store: Giant Robot, 437 E. 9th St.

What You'll Find:

Lie Detector Toy, $21.00. Now you can tell if they really like their gift.

Also look for: Unique stocking stuffers like the furry monster-shaped Domokun Small Coin Purse, Super Mario Brothers keychains. Also, er, the I'm-not-convinced-it's-innocent Elite Banana Massager, shaped like the fruit.