Just When You Thought Jesus Was Safe...



... Here Comes "Obama Christ"

I have to say, the Chocolate Jesus had better taste.


Get it? Taste?

Oh I crack myself up.

Creamy, Chocolaty Christ Offends Catholics



Your tastebuds salivated when New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin announced plans to rebuild the city out of chocolate. Now, chocolate-lovers, there's a way to satisfy your sweet tooth and your need for spiritual fulfilment. That's right. Your own, personal, chocolate Jesus.

Now I'm Jewish, so I can't claim to know what the hubbub is about the guy, but clearly, he was someone special. And I know the Catholics love eating his body. But I could never understand why that body was made out of little bland wafer cookies. I always thought, hey, if this guy's so special, how come he doesn't taste more delicious??

Clearly, artist Cosimo Cavallaro feels the same way. Which is why, I assume, he re-created Jesus's body in all his chocolaty glory. He planned on putting it on display at a hotel here in New York City. Strangely, some people are offended by Cosimo's depiction. Perhaps they're diabetics.

Apparently, the main point of contention is the fact that choco-Jesus is naked. I can see why this is an issue. Who wants to be the guy stuck with.. er.. eating the messiah's you-know-what? I'm sure it's just as tasty as the rest of our savior, but so totally not worth the jokes you'll have to endure.

Still, I'm surprised at the backlash. Bill Donahue (no relation to Phil), head of the Catholic League, called it "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever." The Romans throwing them to the lions coming in a close second, of course.

"All those involved are lucky that angry Christians don’t react the way extremist Muslims do when they’re offended—otherwise they may have more than their heads cut off," Bill said.

You said it Bill. If only Christians weren't so damn non-violent, then you could carry out the revenge you really desire!


Not As Friendly As He Looks...

Part of me thinks there might be a bit of a racial thing here. Would Bill be opposed to a Jesus made from white chocolate?? Think about it.

Or perhaps they simply wanted him covered in a candy shell. After all, you want Jesus to melt in your heart, not in your hands.

(insert boooos here)

And this is not even the first time a holy figure has been depicted in chocolate form. Just last year, God himself designed a chocolate Virgin Mary. "I have big problems right now, personally, and lately I've been saying that God doesn't exist," the woman who found the chocolate virgin said. "This has given me renewed faith."

If a three inch Virgin Mary could restore one woman's faith, think about what a 6 foot tall chocolate Jesus could do. Alas, we won't find out. After much complaining, the unveiling of the chocolate Jesus was cancelled.

The Catholic League, in the Christian spirit of forgiveness, had this to say:

“While we are delighted with the outcome, we are not pleased with the comments of the gallery’s creative director, Matt Semler. For him to say that our objection to this outrageous display constitutes hate speech and is the equivalent of a fatwa shows how deliriously irresponsible this man is.

“Because we did not like the way the Roger Smith Hotel handled the decision to drop the display, we have no intention of contacting the 500 organizations that we alerted to this assault on Christian sensibilities to inform them that the exhibition has been cancelled.”

Because, apparently, the Catholic League wants its members to waste their time traveling to the hotel, only to find out they've already succeeded. That'll show em!!?

As a Jew, I may never be able to understand why people believe Jesus is made out of crackers. But from what I've seen and read about, I don't think Jesus would be too upset about this whole chocolate thing. I mean, people nailed him to a cross... is he really gonna get in a tizzy about someone portraying him as a dessert? It seems to me that if he was a-ok with the first thing, then this whole chocolate business wouldn't really faze him.

So Cosimo, consider this an open invite to bring your sweet savior over to my place. As long as I get to choose which part to eat first.

All Aboard The Matzah Bus


Note: Not Used To Cook Children

School Bus Serves Up Flat, Unleavened Bread

Gotta applaud this guy on his creativity. It's hard to find an oven capable of baking tons of matzah that also serves as a form of public transportation. When the matzah is ready, do the red lights flash? That would be sooo cool.

Luckily, the police did not visit the house next door, where a minivan has been converted into a latke* fryer.

In other news, I got a Nintendo Wii. My roommate and I were terribly bored on Saturday, and stopped into a GameStop to see if there was any interesting game we could buy for our Gamecube. There wasn't. I decided, hey, lets get the Wii! I asked the lady behind the counter if they had them in.

"Oh no," she laughed. "We won't have those until April, maybe even May."

I was devastated. But just then, out of nowhere, a creepy guy vaguely resembling a mix of Rob Corddry and Rainn Wilson sidled up next to me.

"Tomorrow. 10 am. Circuit City in Union Square. Arrive promptly at a quarter till. That's all I'm at liberty to say."

I turned to ask him how he knew this information, but he was already gone. Like he had never been there at all...

So the next day I woke up early, despite the fact that it was a Sunday, and my typical Sunday wake up time is 1 pm. I went over to Circuit City. There were about 15 people when I got there, waiting for the store to open. One guy was there with his kid. "I got the XBox 360 and the PS3 for me. I'm getting the Nintendo Wii for him," he said. One woman, there with her husband, was really excited about the Wii, even though she said she never played video games. More than a few people made jokes to the effect of "Oh, they're out of Wii's already, you other guys should just go home." I was one of those jokers.

Finally, the store opened, we were led in, five at a time. And I got my Wii. All the way home I clutched it tightly to my chest, fearing that every person I passed might snatch it away from me.

When I got home, I set it up immediately. For such a seemingly sophisticated device, it was pretty quick and easy to get started.

First, I created my Wii character, called a Mii. I think it's possible to download your Mii and post it on web pages such as this, but until I figure it out, you'll have to make do with my bad drawing...



My roommate and I played for hours straight. We just couldn't stop. After every Wii sports game, they give you the option "Play Again?" And it was irresistable. Wii Bowling was especially addictive. What was amazing about it, to me, was that I bowled exactly how I bowl in real life. Horribly.


Your Mii's Hands Are Detatched Floating Orbs.. Just Like In Real Life!!

What also amazed me was how active you can get. When I first heard about people accidently throwing their Wii controllers through their TV sets, or injuring themselves and others, I thought they had to be complete spazoids. But playing Wii Tennis, I totally understood how that stuff can happen. My roommate and I were both sweating as we volleyed back and forth. The controllers get slippery. Thank God for that wrist strap.



And then there was Wii Baseball, where in order to throw a faster pitch, you need to "throw" the controller faster. I may need Tommy John surgery in a few weeks if I keep this up.

I thought Wii sounded cool before. Now that I've actually experienced it, I'm convinced this is the future of gaming. I can't wait to get home and try Wii Boxing and Wii Golf.

To tie this whole entry together... It's all about human creativity, my friends. The same kind of imagination that can turn a bus into an oven can also create something as magical as the Nintendo Wii. All this has inspired me to start my own creative project. You heard it here first people... I'm turning my parents' Toyota Avalon into a Panini press.

Patent pending.

---------
* the goyim** call them "potato pancakes"

** "goyim" meaning anyone who read this "**" to find out what "goyim" means

Navy Hires Crazy Criminal

Why'd the Navy hire Lisa Nowak, who's out on bail and charged with attempted kidnapping, and burglary with assault and battery?

All I know is, someone high up in government likes her.

Hint: He's known for hiring and firing people on a whim.

Give up?

Bank-Robbing Teens!!!



Stealing a page from the movie, "Sugar and Spice," two Altlanta teen girls decided to rob a bank.

How long until they give themselves away by boasting about it on MySpace?

The girls were apparently laughing and smiling throughout, their faces masked by only oversized Prada-style sunglasses.

"It's all fun and games to them," said officer Wayne Delk, Cobb County police spokesman.

What's with teens these days? Back in my day, we wore masks when we robbed a bank!

I guess I'm just not hip anymore.

[UPDATE!] They got busted. Two nineteen year olds. Turns out, the police believe the bank teller was in on it.

Don't Mess With Grandpa



Mugger Killed By Elderly Man On Carnival Cruise Vacation

The American, who is about 70 years old and retired from the military, put the 20-year-old in a head lock and broke his clavicle after the suspect and two other men armed with a knife and gun held up their tour bus, said Luis Hernandez, the police chief of Limon, 80 miles east of San Jose. The suspect, Warner Segura, was later declared dead, apparently from asphyxiation.

The two other men fled when the 12 senior citizens started defending themselves during the Wednesday attack. Afterward, the tourists drove Segura to the Red Cross where he was declared dead.

I'm not surprised by this. If you've ever seen an old man complain about the service on a Carnival Cruise line, you know that the elderly will stop at nothing to make sure their cruise goes off without a hitch.

The muggers should just feel lucky they didn't attack before the lunch buffet. Two more of them would have been dead.

Found that article on ABC News. Also found this:

Tonight on 20/20, "Worry In America." Features this interesting tidbit:

To help [Sarah] Fortino overcome her fear, [Dr. Robert Leahy, the author of "The Worry Cure"] used a therapy he calls "verbal exposure." Because when Fortino is flying, her biggest fear is crashing, he tells her to repeatedly say, "The plane is going to crash."

"If you repeat the thought over and over and over — hundreds and hundreds of times — you'll find that the thought becomes less frightening," he said. Leahy also asked Fortino to escalate the ugly thoughts and actually say, "I want the plane to crash."

Um, who wants to sit next to this woman on the plane? Sounds to me that the good doctor's advice might send poor Sarah to a detention facility in Guantanemo Bay.

Really Weird

World's Tallest Man Saves Chinese Dolphins

There are real-life superheroes, apparently.

Golden Calf To Welcome Visitors To Billy Graham Memorial



According to The Washington Post, a talking cow will greet visitors to the Billy Graham Memorial, which will give tourists a chance to walk all over Billy's grave.

Disturbing.

What's with the children of famous people wanting to make their parents into a joke post-mortem? Ted Williams's son froze his dad's dismembered corpse. Now Billy's kids want to make their dad's grave the conclusion to a Mr.-Toad's-Wild-Ride-Kiddie-Theme-Park-Adventure.

"Hey Kids!! You know how you wanted to go to Disney World???"

"Yeah!!!!"

"Well, instead, we're going to the place where legendary evangelist Billy Graham was reduced to a cheesy toursit trap!"

"Yayyyy!!!"

I think I join Billy in saying, "Jesus."

Let it be known. When I die, I want to be buried like a normal person. In a cemetery.

On Mars.