They Were Terrorists

Ahmad Rahami & Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over— like a syrupy sweet? 

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.  

Or does it explode? 

          --Langston Hughes

 We expect our terrorists to come from overseas. They are not American, they can't be.

(We forget about Timothy McVeigh and Eric Rudolph and we call Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and Dylann Roof and James Holmes by different labels entirely. )

They are not American, they can't be.

Which is why our leaders say these (brown and Muslim) killers don't deserve their constitutional rights. The right to remain silent, the right to a lawyer and a fair trial, the right to not be tortured-- these are rights of Americans--the murderers and rapists and thieves among us. But they are not American, these (brown and Muslim) killers. They can't be.

They came here like so many of our (white, not Muslim) grandparents and great grandparents did, escaping places with no constitutional rights to become citizens of the United States. They became mechanics, opened hair salons. They were high school wrestling captains and Olympic hopefuls. They were restaurant owners and obsessed with auto racing.

Except they weren't like us.

The Tsarnaev family was a neighborhood nuisance, said Rinat Harel, a longtime neighbor. She and other neighbors called police five years ago when the two brothers would hold loud parties and drink late into the night in the courtyard. 

The brothers were “just obnoxious teenage boys,” Harel said, but the father, a short, beefy fellow, was a constant irritant who regularly threw his trash in neighbors’ recycling bins despite being asked to stop, filled precious spaces in this parking-starved city with cars he was working on, and claimed a 10-minute loading zone as his all-day storage space.

 Except they weren't like us.

The Rahami family’s chicken restaurant had its own tense relationship with the community, though it drew a horde of loyal patrons who appreciated their cheese fries and friendly service. 

At first, the restaurant was open 24 hours a day and became a local nuisance, said J. Christian Bollwage, the mayor of Elizabeth and a neighbor. Rowdy crowds appeared after midnight. Dean McDermott, who lives nearby and is a news videographer, complained, as did others. Often Mr. McDermott discovered patrons loitering in his yard and urinating in his driveway, and he called the police.

Except they weren't like us.

Even as members of their extended family found their piece of the American dream, the Cambridge Tsarnaevs’ experience in their new land curdled. Money grew scarce, and the family went on welfare. Zubeidat was accused of stealing from a department store. Anzor’s business, never prosperous, faded.

 Except they weren't like us.

In response to the persistent complaints, the mayor said that the Elizabeth City Council passed an ordinance compelling the chicken restaurant to close at 10 p.m. But the Rahamis flouted the order and neighbors continued to summon the police. Mr. McDermott said that once when officers responded, one of Mr. Rahami’s older brothers got into a fight with a police officer and was arrested. Before the case was resolved, Mr. McDermott said the brother fled to Afghanistan. 

Mr. McDermott said a fragile truce was reached, whereby the restaurant would close at midnight or 1 a.m. A few months ago, however, a for-sale sign appeared on the front.

 Except they weren't like us.

The mother found solace in a deepening religiosity, the father, icy to such devotion and ill with cancer, went home to Dagestan, a place that was never really home to start with. And the boys underwent transformations so dramatic that some friends could barely recognize them.

Except they weren't like us.

Mr. McDermott said that in the lawsuit the elder Mr. Rahimi claimed that he had been discriminated against because of his race and ethnicity. The mayor said: “It was neighbor complaints; it had nothing to do with his ethnicity or religion."

It had nothing to do with his ethnicity or religion (brown, Muslim). It was neighbor complaints.

A neighborhood nuisance. Loud parties and drink late into the night. Obnoxious. A constant irritant. Tense relationship. A local nuisance. Rowdy crowds appeared after midnight. Loitering. Urinating.

Money grew scarce, and the family went on welfare. Accused of stealing.

Got into a fight with a police officer and was arrested. A few months ago, however, a for-sale sign appeared on the front.

"It was neighbor complaints; it had nothing to do with his ethnicity or religion."

Is it only coincidence then? Two families from overseas (we expect our terrorists to come from overseas), pursuing the American dream, like so many of our grandparents and great grandparents did (except they weren't like us), becoming citizens, becoming our neighbors, only to find they weren't citizens, they weren't our neighbors. They were "neighborhood complaints."

They weren't Americans. That could never be.

They went back to the places their families had escaped from. They found solace in a deepening religiosity. Underwent transformations so dramatic that some friends could barely recognize them. Then they returned. Were they who we expected all along? Or did something happen along the way? Did we ever treat them like a neighbor, not a neighborhood complaint?

What happens to a dream deferred?

The Boy Who Cried "False Flag"

Conspiracies are fun, aren't they? Sure, you could just repeat the official line--"Muslim extremists carried out a terror attack"-- but that's BORING. It's far more exciting to imagine we're all living in some Die Hard-Mission Impossible-Manchurian Candidate mash-up, and the true culprits aren't the guys with mountains of evidence against them, but instead, covert shadow government agents seeking to turn America into a police state in the most complicated, meticulously planned, secret operation in history.

What movie keeps you on the edge of your seat--the one where it's clear who the bad guy is.... or the one with the unpredictable plot twists? THE KILLER WAS PRETENDING TO BE THE DEAD GUY ON THE FLOOR THE WHOLE TIME!!! OMG!!!

Of course, there are people who actually take these conspiracy theories seriously. In New Hampshire, they call these people "state lawmakers", the rest of us call them idiots. But I suspect that the majority of those espousing these conspiracy theories aren't true believers. Indeed, follow someone's conspiracy story long enough, and you'll hear them contradict themselves. People who are making it up as they go along suffer this problem.

I think they do it because the world is a sometimes scary, sometimes dull place. And conspiracies give us that jolt to the heart... that idea that we're in a battle against foes only the sharpest of us have the eyes to see.

Which is fine and all... except that there actually have been "false flag" operations in the past, sometimes to devastating effect. Our whole current kerfuffle with Iran has its basis in Operation Ajax, a joint British-American plot to overthrow Iran's democratically elected leader and replace him with a dictator more friendly to Western policies. Calling every single event from the past decade into question--as sites like InfoWars have--is like the being the boy who cried wolf. When "false flag," becomes associated with the crazies and the idiots, it makes it that much easier for an actual false flag operation to succeed. Anyone who raises a stink about something will be lumped in with the nutjobs.

Maybe InfoWars is the conspiracy--to make us believe any "false flag" is just a figment of some crackpot's imagination.

Up All Night In Watertown

In a few minutes, the sun will rise over Watertown, Massachusetts, ending one of the longest nights the City of Boston has ever known. I've been up, unable to sleep, following the events. Listening to the police scanner: http://www.broadcastify.com/listen/feed/6254/web, watching Boston's local WHDH 7 News: http://www1.whdh.com/video/7newslive , hearing the buzz of MSNBC in the background, refreshing Reddit and Twitter. Its incredible that through modern technology, I'm better informed sitting in the comfort of my living room than most of the people actually in Watertown.

It started a little after 10PM, when "White Hat Guy," Suspect #1, robbed a 7-11 at gunpoint. They moved on to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where they began to set up bombs, but were stopped by a a MIT police officer, whom they promptly shot. They then carjacked a dark mercedes, and held the driver captive for half an hour, before dropping him off at a gas station and driving to Watertown. The driver called police, and officers found the vehicle. A chase ensued, with the two suspects throwing grenades or handmade explosives. There was a firefight, the suspects chucked a pressure-cooker bomb at police, and Suspect #1 was shot and killed. Suspect #2 jumped back into the stone vehicle and gunned it past officers. He was not able to drive the vehicle too far, however, and fled the car on foot. Police cordoned off a 20 block radius and are currently going door to door searching for the remaining suspect.

So yeah, what a night. The darkness may be done, but this search may continue for a while.

UPDATE: At 6:18 AM, police scanner chatter indicated that suspect has been caught, trying to flee in a vehicle with  "another middle eastern male."

UPDATE: 6:24, It seems neither may be the suspect. Geez. Wife is calling me to bed.

Why Mitt Romney Endangers American Lives

Four Americans are dead in Libya, including the U.S. ambassador to the country, after a rocket attack that came amidst protests against a cheesy, poorly produced, anti-Prophet-Muhammed film that was filmed in the United States and went viral in the Muslim world.

While the rest of the country mourned the dead and decried the act of violence, Mitt Romney went on the attack, accusing President Obama of apologizing to terrorists.

What actually happened is far different.

The American embassy in Cairo, feeling the heat from Muslim reaction to the film, distanced themselves from the film, stating in a tweet: "U.S. Embassy condemns religious incitement." That caught some flack for seemingly going against the right to free speech. They later wrote, "We firmly reject the actions by those who abuse the universal right of free speech to hurt the religious beliefs of others."

Now, the American embassy is doing exactly what its supposed to do. It is not the embassy's job to explain "sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," to a populace that for decades was thrown in jail or murdered for proclaiming unpopular beliefs. It is the embassy's job to smooth things over. Their job is to avoid violence in the interest of maintaining diplomacy. The filmmakers certainly had the "universal right" to make their film, however, free speech is not without consequences. If you're Michael Richards and do stand up, and respond to African-American hecklers with liberal use of the n-word, you'd better get ready for the backlash. And as we know, unflattering portrayals of Mohammed (who, according to the Muslim religion, isn't even allowed to be represented in a positive image), often result in protests, which lead some extreme factions to violence.

It's simple cause and effect--insult Mohammed, incite violence. No one's saying violence is the appropriate response to hate speech. We're just saying, it happens. So if you don't want people to die, you should probably resist the urge to insult the prophet.

Now, lets say someone in this country does decide to insult Mohammed. It's their right, sure. But the U.S. government shouldn't be insulting Mohammed, the same way they shouldn't insult Jesus, or Moses, or any other religious leader. The problem is, when an American citizen's insult travels around the globe (the way Pastor Terry Jone's Koran burning did, or the way our soldiers pissing on the Koran did), America's enemies use it as a weapon against America. "See!" they tell their followers. "This is America. Not the home of the free, but the home of hate. They hate Islam! They want to destroy you!" They publicly screen that crappy anti-Mohammed video, and say to those inclined to listen, "This is what America is about! This is what America represents!" They take the action of one individual or one small group and use it to represent what America is all about.

To respond to those extremists, it is necessary for a representative of the United States to stand up and say, "No, this isn't what we're about. We believe in free speech, and that means, sometimes, one of our citizens says or films something idiotic and offensive, like the hit ABC show 'Bachelor Pad.' But we as a country also believe in the freedom of religion. And we believe that it is irresponsible, and wrong, to use one's right of free speech to denigrate and shame another person's freedom of religion."

That's what the embassy said. That's what Hillary Clinton said: "Some have sought to justify this vicious behavior as a response to inflammatory material posted on the Internet. The United States deplores any intentional effort to denigrate the religious beliefs of others. Our commitment to religious tolerance goes back to the very beginning of our nation. But let me be clear: There is never any justification for violent acts of this kind."

It's a statement aimed at refuting what the extremists say-- that the actions by a very few represent the feelings of the greater whole. It condemns violence, while making it clear that perceived cause of the violence--religious intolerance--is not what America represents. In short: "What the extremists tell you is a lie."

Mitt Romney, clearly, does not believe this. Instead of standing up for the majority of Americans who don't think all Muslims are terrorists, he's standing up for the few that do. Instead of telling the world that this hateful, anti-Islam video doesn't represent the best of America, he's saying to the world that it does. Hate, according to Mitt Romney, is America's greatest export. And he's damn proud of it.

"It's disgraceful that the Obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions, but to sympathize with those who waged the attacks," Romney said.

Except, well, of any of the American representatives commenting on this attack, it's Romney who gives the terrorists what they want. Instead of telling the extremists, "Your justification for this violence is bogus," he's AGREED with them. He's saying America doesn't have to distance itself from the film the extremists used as an example of America's intolerance. Rather, he's arguing that America should defend and support what the film had to say! It's free speech, so Romney will stand by it to the bitter end, even if that speech was made by an Egpytian Coptic Christian with a criminal history who clearly intended for the film to cause violence.

As far as the international stage is concerned, it seems that Romney and Obama have very different ideas about how a President should behave. While Obama believes a President should show America is better than what its enemies say it is, Romney believes a President should show America is EXACTLY what its enemies say it is.

You decide which is better. You decide which action really sides with the terrorists.

Love Of Deep Dish Pizza May Have Killed CIA Agents, Informants In Iran, Lebanon

This is not a funny story: CIA Spies Caught, Fear Execution

If these agents are executed, it's a tragedy of epic proportions. If the government of Iran can somehow put a kibosh on the killings (perhaps in exchange for recent sanctions against Iran being reconsidered), it's still a major blow to American intelligence operations in the Middle East.

The craziest part is that the spies may have been compromised due to the location where they repeatedly (and seemingly without deviation) chose to meet:

In Beirut, two Hezbollah double agents pretended to go to work for the CIA. Hezbollah then learned of the restaurant where multiple CIA officers were meeting with several agents, according to the four current and former officials briefed on the case. The CIA used the codeword "PIZZA" when discussing where to meet with the agents, according to U.S. officials. Two former officials describe the location as a Beirut Pizza Hut. A current US official denied that CIA officers met their agents at Pizza Hut.

From there, Hezbollah's internal security arm identified at least a dozen informants, and the identities of several CIA case officers...

One former senior intelligence official told ABC News that CIA officers ignored warnings that the operation could be compromised by using the same location for meetings with multiple assets.

"We were lazy and the CIA is now flying blind against Hezbollah," the former official said.

Lazy? Or just in love with deep dish... or stuffed crust? It's not something to laugh about, but something that just makes you shake your head and wonder. Isn't it common sense not to always meet in the same place?

After all, the pizza's not even that good.

This never would have happened if they just ordered in Domino's.

We Got Him

It took nearly ten years, but Osama Bin Laden is dead.

His survival was the greatest failure of our war on terrorism. Now that he's been bodybagged, hopefully, those personally hit by his evil can have a measure of peace. Now, we can heal.

I know I will.

I'll sleep well tonight.

UPDATE: Allegedly, here's where Bin Laden holed up. (thanks nymag)

So I Guess That's The End Of The Mile-High Club?

The FAA has ordered all airlines to disable emergency oxygen masks in airplane bathrooms, for fear that terrorists may use the oxygen to ignite a fire.

This means that every time you go to the bathroom on a flight from now on, you'll be risking your life if the plane decompresses.

So add emergency lifesaving equipment to the list of things the FAA has made us safe from, which includes shampoo bottles larger than three ounces and nail clippers.

Unfortunately, the FAA has done nothing to prevent the obvious terrorist threat posed by obnoxious kids that kick your seat.

National Security

Meet The 8-Year-Old Terrorist The TSA Is Spending So Much Time Protecting Us From (NY Times)

Homeland Security Struggles To Stop New Terrorist Threat



NEW YORK - Early reports suggest that a bird strike was responsible for a plane crash in New York's Hudson River yesterday, leaving government officials scrambling to explain how such a large breach of national security occurred on their watch.

Bird attacks have been increasing in recent years. More than 200 people have been killed worldwide as a result of bird attacks on aircraft since 1988, according to Bird Strike Committee USA, and more than 5,000 bird strikes were reported by the U.S. Air Force in 2007. Five jet airliners have had major accidents involving bird strikes since 1975, and in one case, about three dozen people died.

Even the nation's space program has been hit: During the July 2005 launch of the space shuttle Discovery on mission STS-114, a vulture soaring around the launch pad impacted the shuttle's external tank just after liftoff.

NASA put safety measures into place after the incident, lining the shuttle's fuel tanks with cat fur and placing scarecrows along the launch pad and landing strip.

Officials say the birds tend to attack when aircraft are close to the ground, which means just before landing or after take-off, when jet engines are turning at top speeds and a crash is most likely to cause maximum damage.

Osama Bin Chirps, a 12-pound Canadian goose, claimed responsibility for the most recent attack in a video delivered to reporters at Animal Planet, the terrorists' news outlet of choice.

"You steal our eggs and hunt us down. And you think bread crumbs will satisfy us..." Chirps said on the video, according to a translation done by Bigson "Big" Bird, the government's chief Avian language expert. "Our great migration has begun, except this time, it will be America that flies south for the winter."

Fortunately, the latest attack resulted in no deaths or serious injuries as of this writing. But Homeland Security spokesperson Harvey K. Fakefield told reporters that the government is taking the bird threat seriously.

"We've hardened our aircraft to defend against this new threat," Fakefield said. "Future aircraft will be painted to resemble large, flying cats, in order to make these birds think twice about what they're flying into."

Fakefield said the suicide bird remains from Thursday's attack will be sent to the Smithsonian Institution's Feather Identification Laboratory to identify the species and link it to one of several well known Bin Chirps-affiliated terrorist cells, or "Flocks," operating in the U.S..

The President--for the moment, still George W. Bush--expressed his outrage at the "evil-bird-doers."

"Make no mistake, our resolve is strong. And we will prevail over this flying menace. It's like they say, a bird in the hand, well... it's a lot better than a bird not in your hand."

But Dave Notaman, professor of ornithology at Bodega Bay College in California, says birds are a very dangerous, sophisticated threat, practically impossible to stop.

"You can't just put these guys on a no-fly list," Notaman says. "They'd find some way around it."

According to the Journal of Biodiversity and Conservation, there are between 200 and 400 billion birds worldwide. "We have no choice but to negotiate with a population this large," Notaman says. "Perhaps President Obama can include a free birdseed program in his economy stimulus bill."

President-elect Barack Obama has yet to make his plan for dealing with the bird threat clear, but has indicated in the past that he will take a more diplomatic approach to ending world terror.

Fakefield says that Homeland Security is eager to begin working with the new President to solve the bird terrorist problem.

"This isn't a war we're going to win tomorrow," he said. "Our hope is... what the... aw hell... damn bird just pooped on me."

When Torture Is Not Torture, or, Waterboarding Ain't Boogie Boarding

From the AP:

WASHINGTON - The White House on Wednesday defended the use of the interrogation technique known as waterboarding, saying it is legal — not torture as critics argue — and has saved American lives.

President Bush could authorize waterboarding for future terrorism suspects if certain criteria are met, a spokesman said...

Waterboarding involves strapping a suspect down and pouring water over his cloth-covered face to create the sensation of drowning. It has been traced back hundreds of years, to the Spanish Inquisition, and is condemned by nations around the world.

[CIA Director] Hayden banned the technique in 2006 for Central Intelligence Agenc interrogations, the Defense Department has banned its employees from using it, and FBI Director Robert Mueller said his investigators do not use coercive tactics in interviewing terror suspects.

To reiterate things I've written before in this blog: Torture doesn't work. Torture is not a valid form of intelligence gathering.

If waterboarding isn't torture in Bush's book, then what else doesn't he consider torture?

The Rack



Bush's Defense: "Oh come on, don't doctors reccommend stretching before and after exercise? This is like yoga!"

The Nail Pull



Bush's Defense: "You kidding me? It's just a manicure! Laura tells me they pay good money for this at all the best salons."

Chinese Water Torture



Bush's Defense: "We call it, 'Bobbing for Freedom.' If they find a green apple, then we'll give them a full pardon. Except there aren't any apples. Only water. Makes it harder for the terrorists to get a pardon. You don't want to pardon terrorists, do you??"

Shock Torture



Bush's Defense: "You know when you pet a cat sometimes and you feel a little shock on your fingers? This is no worse than that. Just a couple hundred thousand volts. It's like a hot tub really."

Celine Dion Torture



Bush's Defense: "Ok, you got me. I'll order our intelligence services to end this type of interrigation technique immediately."

Obama Bomba



Is Barack Obama crazier than Bush? No. But he does have a crazy idea: Send troops into Pakistan to hunt terrorists without Pakistani permission.

Sure. Invade a Muslim country that has never attacked us in order to stop terrorism. Why does that some vaguely familiar? The bonus is, Pakistan is a nuclear power. And it's about one presidential assassination away from becoming an insane warlord-led terror state like neighboring Afghanistan.

Obama's statement may have just pushed me toward Hillary and Edwards. At least they haven't been so bold to suggest initiating a nuclear war. Yet.

Working Hard? Or Hardly Working?

On the day of September 11th, 2001, after spending most of the morning flying from one undisclosed location to the next, hiding, in fear of terrorists, President George W. Bush finally made his first statement. He promised, above all else, "Make no mistake, the United States will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts."

That evening, finally back in the Oval Office, Bush set into motion the plan that would eventually become his "War on Terror."

"I've directed the full resources for our intelligence and law enforcement communities to find those responsible and bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them."

Nearly six years later, has George W. Bush fulfilled his promise? Perhaps that's unfair. It was, indeed, a tall order. So let me instead ask, are we safer today from terror than we were on September 10th, 2001?

WASHINGTON (AP)- U.S. intelligence analysts have concluded al-Qaida has rebuilt its operating capability to a level not seen since just before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, The Associated Press has learned.

The conclusion suggests that the network that launched the most devastating terror attack on the United States has been able to regroup along the Afghan-Pakistani border despite nearly six years of bombings, war and other tactics aimed at crippling it.

Yes, of course the CIA is nothing but a bunch of communist baby-haters. And the media is their willing concubine. But Bush isn't exactly denying it.

Bin Laden is still at large. Despite all the power at the United States disposal, the ringleader of the organization that attacked us is free. And he is free because of a concious decision by the Bush administration. "I'm not to worried about him," Bush famously said.

What has Bush acheived? He's torn apart Iraq, destroyed America's reputation, and sent thousands of patriotic boys and girls to their deaths. And Al-Queda keeps growing back, every time its tail is cut off. Yet Bush still refuses to go for the head.

I'll never understand how Iraq became responsible for 9-11. How Bin Laden became Saddam. How "winning hearts and minds" turned into sanctioned torture and collateral damage.

But I guess it was all part of that vision George W. Bush had for America while he was flying to Nebraska on September 11th, afraid for his life.

Republicans Funded By Terrorists

So that's why they're destroying the country!

Talking Milkshake Shuts Down Boston


The REAL Terrorists

And we're back...

The city of Boston was brought to its knees yesterday when an television show advertisement which had been on display for three weeks was finally spotted by a brainless idiot, who thought it was a bomb and called police.

Eager to show off their brand new "terror-fighting" capabilities, the police chose to mobilize all their units in a citywide sweep to remove the advertisments, which look nothing like bombs, except maybe in the weird fever dreams of Ms. Pacman.


The Ads, Still Called "Bombs" On Fox News, Depicted This Character

Then, after needlessly shutting down bridges and highways, and after wasting nearly a million dollars in taxpayer money removing the harmless ads, the city of Boston decided to waste more money by arresting and charging the lowly paid hippies hired by the ad agency to put up the ads.



"We're not going to let this go without looking at the further roots of how this happened to cause the panic in this city," Attorney General Martha Coakley said.

According to city officials, Cartoon Network was trying to get attention for the show "Aqua Teen Hungerforce" by placing bomb-looking objects around the city.

"It is outrageous, in a post 9/11 world, that a company would use this type of marketing scheme," Mayor Thomas Menino said Wednesday, trying to cover his ass.

"We apologize to the citizens of Boston that part of a marketing campaign was mistaken for a public danger," said Phil Kent, chairman of Turner, a division of Time Warner Inc.

Apparently, citizens in every other American city are smarter (or more Aqua-Teen-savvy) than in Boston.

"We haven't had any calls to 911 regarding this," Seattle police spokesman Sean Whitcomb said Wednesday.

"We haven't had any complaints," said NYPD spokesman Paul Browne.

The stars of Aqua Teen Hunger Force were surprised by the reaction.

"It really makes you think about the world we live in," said Shake, a talking milkshake. "Like when I ate that sandwich and ended up in hell."

"I don't know why they got so angry," said Meatwad, a shapeshifting ball of meat. "I think they just need a hug."

"It's not physically possible to place sufficent incendiary chemicals within such a slim and tiny device," said Frylock, a floating bag of french fries. "Unless you were employing Hawking Radiation contained in a electronically generated Rosen-Podowski magnetic field."

On the other hand, Carl, a co-star on the show, agreed with city officials.

"Kids these days, These hippies. They got no respect, you know. They won't stay out of my pool," he said.

Despite overwhelming, undeniable evidence that nobody involved in planting the advertisements thought they looked anything like bombs, city officials and members of the media continued to use phrases like "hoax," "stunt" and "bomb scare" to describe the incident. An accurate description would be, "City Officials, gunning for political capital, overreact to obvious non-threat."

"Clearly, there is a new threat facing the nation," said President Bush, in an address given to himself in front of his bathroom mirror. "These terrorists call themselves the Hunger Force."

No word yet on whether Bush will authorize an military invasion into New Jersey, where the Force is presumed to live.

In related news, a broken sony walkman lying on the ground near a trash can in Harvard Square forced Boston city officials to declare a state of emergency. More on this as it develops.

You be the judge. Bomb? Or Definitely Not A Bomb?





More Pics Here

While I strongly believe in "See Something, Say Something," I also believe that the police and government should use some common sense. How long does it take to see that something like this isn't a threat?

Government Thwarts Plot To Blow Up Airplanes With Heisman Trophy


The New Face Of Terror

Thank God for our rational, intelligent, and efficient airport screening system. Thanks to the TSA, we've already eliminated the threat of hair gel from our friendly skies. And if it weren't for our terrific, perfectly logical system, we could be reading right now about America's worst airline tragedy since 9/11. Thanks to our ever watchful government, the plot to blow up airliners with the Heisman Trophy has been thwarted.

Now we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

(Four books of matches are still allowed, by the way)